its old news but its still bugging me so i'm just going to say more about it: this Andy bullshit is still really anoying me, coming over like that being all vague, not saying anything bout this stuff that has happened. i mean he knows he has an effect on me! i know he is still not willing to comitte to anything and yet its so damn confusing being on the reciving end..
i know i would have liked to take it furthur and if i thought there was half the chance something could actually happen there i would go for it..or know what the hell he's thinking i wont be hanging on air again.
i can only hope that by now he might have read what i wrote him and hopefully not much more than that. after getting access to my entire confused stream of thoughts, it was a risk giving him the adress to this blog but i didnt seem to find any other way to be heard, and now this. i just dont get it anymore, what is the point?
you want something ? you dont want something? just grow up and make up your mind..
dont keep me hanging. by now i could have just let it all go and forgot about it (with time).i know i had this feeling that it wasnt over yet but i was hoping that next time we met there would be some kind of a conclusion.. not more confuison..
i can understand if he is still confused and still in some remote way intrested but damn it..
my boss told him while at my shop(thanks Arik!) that no matter how many women he might meet he will never find another as special as me and he said he knows i am diffrent and unique. but that still dont do me shit unless he would actually do something about it.. i have been strong enough so far not initiating any contact and i am keeping that resolve but damn it! ppl who heard about it were sure he was going to call me up this weekend and that has not happend yet and probably wont happen still.
am i the only one who finds this to be totally fruastrating, or do we at least share that feeling.. me knowing what i want but not willing to make more of a fool of my self over it and him not knowing what to do about it so he does nothing more then that freaky surprise visit..
knowing that he will be in tel aviv every sunday now for his damn course isn't making any better for me either.. i need to get some distarctions from this whoel bullshit situation..
as there is still a good chance i will punch him in the face next time i see him..
argh....!

i'm looking farwards to going back to TA, new hair cut to show off, friends to see, drinks to be had..
all the things that make a girl happy..
i want to meet up with Rose&Itch, share the whole shocking expiriance with my new friends and get it totally analized by the ppl who have been with me through the whole thing, i know i can trust them to give me insight on the whole thing that i dont see, Itch could give me some male sharp view of the matter and Rose with her silence will then jump in and make the final cut. hard truths are hard to come by these days.. just the other day me and Rose were talking bout all sorts and i was stating that i was about over him, that if he would have stuck around a bit longer he would have broken my heart.. then she goes: are you sure he hadn't? (ouch!) and i think still that he hasnt. then the next day he shows up.. so i am really looking farwards to talking with them, hear some other ppl's wisdome..

its nice to finally have more ppl around to share your life with, till a little while back i was not totally friendless but most of them were away in amstredam or not my friends but my ex's (dragon not cheff aka cook). i kind of miss him now, dragon that is, even had the wild iresponssible notion of giving him a booty call but i know better than that and i wont..
now i'm building up my family of friends i can go to and get my comfort zone and enjoy their company and envy their stable love life and strive to have one of my own.

had a good long chat online with Ironman, he's far away on his travels and we kind of regret not getting something going when we had the chance, remenicing on old times and sharing privet jokes. heart warming and sad at the same time.. he is going through some life changes now and is in some way i gues is looking forwards to going back home to start his life again, and yet there is still 5 more months of travling to be had for him, maybe by the time he gets back he'll get most of his internal change done which might make coming back easier or not.. i envy him at times for the travels and adventures he is going on.. i know he has totally earned them... after five long years study and heart ache he desrves it more than anyone.. i just miss him teribly..

lets wish me a really great week, purim is coming up next weekend.. i am going to be a pirate again, maybe this time i'll also get a better purim party than last year.. another thing to look farwards too.. that and maybe a new drinking buddy if he'll manage not to disapoint me and actually show up.. who knows what else life has instore for me for this week..

with a whole bucket of optimisem i'll sign off till next time..

news flash...

so when i thought it was just bout over, that i can start getting over "new-guy" he decides to show up at my work today totally out of the blue, shocked me completely.. was glad my boss was there to make sure i wont drop anything thing and act semi normal..
have no idea what brought the idea to his mind that left me completely dumb founded.. not a thing that happenes to me: me speechless...(all my new friends choking on their meal when they hear i was never this verbal before.. apperently i wont shut up unless am asleep..).

so he shows up, i'm totaly shocked, he acts normally talks with my boss and is all friendly while i try to recall how to breath without hyper vantilating.. not very elagant of me i must add..
we chit chat about mostly nothing, in my head all this questions keep screaming to be asked and i have no clue where to start..

to those of you who are not in the "know" i kind of ambushed him in his home town about three weeks ago, it didnt go well (DUH!!) and i havent heard from him since, the "dear Andy" post was my way of dealing with what has happend and i have to say i was a goodgirl and havent initiated contact till he showed up in the shop today.. that should explain my shock and surprise..

now that we are all updated i can go back to ranting.. here i go here i go here i here i go:
so i got off work, asked him what's he doing now? he said he is wandering bout and needs to be somewhere round some time, so he came with me to a friends shop and we are still chit chating on the way i try to hide my confusion as best as i can, and am glad to hear he is making progress in his life: he signed up for some digital study thingy, and he is trying to find a place in tel aviv, he seems to be more relaxed and even smiles more.. which is a good thing. i am actually really proud of him.. i asked him if he read the post that was ment for him and he says he hasnt got around to it yet and he wil try this weekend..( i think in my twisted mind would he still have come if he would have read it..?) kind of pissed that he hasnt yet, but its there so he actually might now..? i walk him to his bus useing up all the time this surprise visit will allow me as i have no idea when i shall see him again.. i find out that he's actually staying over in tel aviv for the night and i am heading to my mom for the weekend which is where i am at right now..

bottom line: i am more confused than ever and i promised myself i wil not initiate contact and let him make his moves or not.. i will learn to be patient the really hard way...
here goes nothing.. wish me luck i so need it now..

well as i should have known there was no response from dear Andy, so i'll try ando stop waiting. just drop the matter for at least a good long while till i'll get fed up with it and check up on him..

after the honesty buissnes is out of the way we can move on to the useall ranting of the above-avarge-single-girl about town.. in two words: it sucks!
its truelly anoying to know that you are looking for something and/or someone while trying your hands at this whole "goining out" hoping something remotley intresting might come out of it.
as it is that obvius for everyone with a pair of eyes in their heads that you are "looking" which kind of cramps your non-chalante style " i'm just here having fun with friends-being queen of cool- am not in any way searching for someone to pluck me of my feet-offer a night of magic..."

i mean i know both sides are searching, and i know that there is something about me that intimidates men, so when i make the move before they got around to find the last location of thier lost balls, they are just not ready or willing to play ball with me(pun very much intended..).
so after a weekend of actually going out i can say: 1- going out with my best (male) friend is fun but the men dont seem to catch up on the totally platonice vibe going on and are not even trying. 2. going out with my best (female)girlfriend is fun too but we need to plan our outing better and try and target a place where our presence will be better noticed and appriciated..

i want to be adored and admired while out and about town!!

so all you men out there here is your new mission in life: lift yourselvs from the mundane and try something new it will change your whole view on life, try something diffrent it just might surprise you..

Dear Andy

06-02-07
now after the deed was done and the dust(at least on my side) has setteled, i can look at it and make some conclusions: i am ahead of my time, eaons ahead when it comes to you. for some reason the day we met you jumped out of your shell and were someone you are still not ready to be. ever since then you have been running fast to find your safe zone again. deep inside your shell. no wonder we don't seem to understand each other so well anymore, as i still reacte to that person i met that night and you are no longer there. i don't want to complecate your life anymore then what you have so far, i don't want to impose or ask for things you are not ready to give. i know you won't agree with most of what i have written here and that's ok each to his own: ideas and thoughts alike..
i know i saw alot of potential in you that first time we met and in our time afterwards, i stll see it in you now!
you can disagree: i see things diffrently than you do. i know you have a lot to offer and i know you need your own time and your own speed to share them with the world. i believe that you will find the courage to come out one day and hopefully the reality of life won't slap you in the face straight away but will give you a chance to build some kind of armour to gaurd your sensetive self from the worst of it. i hope that life will treat you well, that you will find your freedome to be yourself and happy with what you are, as after all even though i made a really shitty job at it all i ever wanted for you was to be happy.
hopefully by then you won't be as confused as to why someone you just met might be so intrested in your well being and care about your happiness. in a diffrent place and a diffrent time you might see my coming over unannonced wasn't such a frightning thing to happen and might even be flatterd by it (i know i would have been).
i really do wish you all the best , wish you happiness and joy out of life. maybe one day you'd look me up and we could just laugh about it and maybe you won't. i shall miss you all the same.
good luck to you sweety, and thank you for a truely wonderfull time!
Kittie.

well well...
what can i say now that i am wiser to the whole new guy thing situation, i called him we talked for the shortest time till now.. had to ask some hard and heavy questions.. got me some answers, i should be happy as they are not totally bad but i'm not as they were not what i really wanted to hear even though they were honest, he brought up the dreadfull pltonic issue which was in some way scarier than total rejection but i guess he just needs more time to get to know me. maybe if its actually meant to be we would walk together towards some sunset..
right now i at least know where i stand, i know he likes me and is happy that he met me(his words) but he doesnt know if he is ready for a realtionship.. we are still going to see eachother maybe even this week, we are still going to stay in touch and if i'll stop getting ahead of myself and let off the pressure, something might come out of it.. (my words).
the hard bit will of course be for me not to get ahead of myself and settel for what is actually on offer and bite my time, maybe something else will come my way maybe i'll get over this thing and maybe just get my heart broken..
maybe some starnge sort of friendship will come out of it, i'll learn something new and make another step farward towards a better future..
lack of patince was allways one of my vices.. maybe i'll get better at that too..

i'm trying to think if this whole thing would have been easier for me if we hadnt end up in bed on the first night we met, or is it a good thing i at least got a taste of what he is capable of
jury is still out on that one..
i guess i will be fine with it as long as i am not aware of him fancying anyother girl. that would be probably too hard for me to handel right now and also in the near future...
time will tell..
fraustrating Time allways has the last say in these matters.. and as it seems that one thing i have learned from my past that the ones who have been into me from the start have turned out to be no good for me then maybe this will prove to be diffrent.
the knowledge i have of actually wanting something like love and a realtionship, a good healthy realtionship, doesnt necceserly brings the things to your door step in the most obvious ways. the fact that i know something good is going to happen to me can be confusing when you meet ppl who seem to fit the bill when you first meet them..
i have alas no choice but to bite my time and sit back and wait.. damn but i hate that bit but its the one thing i do need to learn.. and so it seems that i will..
with these thoughts i shall sign off and hope for a good productive week.. i do have one great thing i know will happen this week to look forward to.. my new tattoo!!
good night to all and may your dreams and mine come true..

new day new fraustrations..

talked with new guy thing for two hr yesterday and except the fear of runing out of things to talk about and him finding out i'm not that exciting as i might have seemed to be and hiding back in his shell, it seems that he is conflicted (his words) on the subject of should we talk about what we are doing or not. which kind of puts a cork in my bottle of never ending angels on what we have as my insecuritys just keep on poping up no matter where i look..
i told him that i wanted to see him again mentioned the weekend and heard him freak out..
i wish i could have some time together not on the phone with out the having to go to work and stuff.. just some unlimited time so i could try and maybe ask some questions i kindda need answered like does he even like me as i really am totally clueless as to where i stand..
i keep on wondering if it was some kind of a one time thing and i am now labeled as an out spoken kind of platonic girl he just listens too and not much more.. i am freaked out out him as i know i'm hooked i like him and afraid of getting my heart tangeled on a fruitless tree..
it seems i do all the talking and when we talk on the phone and as i'm so afraid of freaking him out and making him run away from me too soon i try not to confront him too much its so fraustrating..
i asked him last night if there were any actuall ruels of engagment when it comes to this tea and cake stuff that i should follow as all this unknowen stuff is hindering me and he didnt know what to say we both seem to be hanging on air..
i wish that we could just talk person to person not with this phone thing but just some time for just the two of us to see what is this thing we have, do we actually have something?
i am doing better on this holding back thing i think. only sent him one sms today a really short one didnt freak out too much for still not having a response but i might just be avoiding the inevitable.. i know this things are most of the time this unclear its part of their so called magic.
he said he might be in TA sunday or monday to do some stuff and i just hope to maybe bump into him or have him actually come and see me, i had my fantasies of having a long weekend with him but i am frightened to offer as it seems to scare him, so i just droped the idea and told him to just consider it with out having to actually say if he wanted too or not. thats kindda of hard for me too as i have this need to plan my week ahead of time as to have something to look farwards too, but with him i cant i can only wish that he might think it would be a good idea to see me again too and maybe do something about it..

food break i shell be back..

tea and cake kindda suck..

so yeah i met someone new and exciting and i think my lesson to learn here to start from is patienc..
it's hard and anoying most of the time but as i do think he's worth it i'm grinding my teeth and pulling through somehow, got me creative all this holding back thing got me making a whole brand new chainmail braclet yesterday while grinding my teeth not picking up the phone as not freak him out, i belive he's really worth it so i'm doing my best. that is also the reason i'm not going to share so much info about him at least not yet as he is kind of shy and doesnt feel to comfortable with it, so all you avid readers of mine(ha!) will have to wait and see and hope to godds like me i wont fuck it up..

on the updating buissness as i just stoped myself from sharing anymore info concerning my new thing..
its been almost a year since i started writing this blog and so much has happened this year its kind of exciting and dramatic in many ways.. i have been going on some wild roler coastr of evolution with myself i seem to have reached so many insights an revelations on what and why i tic a certin way compared to others on how much progress i have made and how much more i still have to learn its scary and exciting just like how i feel bout this new thing..
iron man has left for another of his great travels in the worst time for me(only kidding dear just read your mail box and you could grin back at you your screen saying bitch ass..!) anyway so i am heading in the right direction and i must addmit with some trepedition that the intense new thing i wished my self is just around the corner.. new thing guy when meeting him and spending some time with him seemed like someone was reading over my shoulder when i made a silly little list of what i wanted to find in my next guy i meet and he fits the bil in so many ways its frightning.. guess my sacrafice for making it work will be learning to hold back and being patint and a potential for a siriusly broken heart... yeah i know but i guess that is one of the ways to learn and its an important lesson to learn...wish me luck i'll probably need it..knowing me.. again iron man is smiling wickedly to himself glad i could finally pick up on his logic... he reminds me so much of you dearest ironman..
i want to say so much on the matter of this new guy thing but i know i shouldnt its annoying, i'm biting my tounge constantly grinding my teeth and pushing on with the tea and cake settelmant we kindda came to as so i wont frighten him away.. and to think that i thought i could find solace in my own damn blog but no i'm sirious bout this tea and cake stuff.. i shall make it work.. somehow..

so updating stuff.. hmm... well been to a henry rollins spoken word show!! was really good (was also where i met the guy so cant really go there..
oh i know! my b-day! now that was truelly amazing had the time of my life loads of laughs went round but you had to e there so its not that much to tell.. i am 29.. thats kinnda new..not precisly where i hoped to be ut yeah its been a funny year..


funny year indeed.. read some of my postes from the time i was with the cook.. aguh.. its amazing how perspectives can change.. that was one important lesson in digusting.. i cant say that i cant belive i was actually with him but it does turn my stumec in the worst way posiable reading that stuff.. the way things turned from bad to worst after i ran away.. how much reality was slapped in my face bout where i was and with who i was.. that is one lesson i hope to goddes and goddesess i have learned.. damn but did things turned ugly after i cut him off my money.. ridiculess that might sound but damn true.. really sad truth.. how ugly ppl can turn when you set yourself free of their greedy reach and i do not mean the money ...damn... that is one tale i would really dread sharing with new guy thing.. i would run away from me screaming after that tale...

i must share some items of intrest concerning him in a round about way.. we talked on the phone for hours.. and i do mean hours.. 4 hr the first time 2hr the next day.. alot more the second time we were together.. i know i might be falling for him its spookey.. i know that with all the hardship it can bring: falling for someone like him might bring i would still do it without flinching knowing heart break is just around the corner and still so is an amazing love story and i am after all an optimisic little girl..

i'll sign off for now but i'll keep you avid readers in the loop as much as i can..

another movie scenario been flushed down the toilet, after a veryverbal thingy came a very unverbal thingy who was sp much more attractive and ilusive by being all sexy and mystirous but thats over now so i can move on with mylife and plan on having a good time in my last week of being 28..
been coming to all sorts of conclusions about my life and where its going and why i have made the mistakes i've made in my past, this is a time of better understanding of oneslef. in hope this new knoledge will saty with me and help me keep on evolving into something better and healthier.
i am now willing to admmit to wanting realtionships and those only and as long as they are healthy.. i know i have great things awaiting to happen to me as soon as i'll be ready to embrace them whole heartedly, i know i cant rush them just cause i can feel them in my gut that they are going to happen. its fruastrating at times but thats just life.
also having a bit of a crisis with school dont know if i want to go on or not as that is extra fraustrating latley. i'm trying to think it through and make my decicssion based on how i really feel and not based on my ever changing mood.
i am still happy with myself most of the time i know myself better and like myself better and forgive myself when i need to.
in the meantime life goes on and i go with it looking farward to my birthday this saturday hoping it will be at least half the fun if not more the fun as last year..
speaking of which, it seems like so much time has past and so much has happened in this one year, from breaking up with ex to moving in with my mom starting this blog and meeting cheff and breaking up with him, moving out and living on my own.. realizing that i finally enjoy myself in tel aviv and israel in the whole..
i feel more acomplished now than ever...
to this new amazing year coming upon us..
i intend on being good to myself and happy with myself...
as we all should.

it has been a whille

havent got around to find a computer in a long while, alot has happend since it always does.. so it seems.. i wont recount it as its in the past and not that intresting anymore.
i've been doing some writing in my notebook that goes everywhere with me so i wouldnt loose those moments by just not having a pc to go to. i have been talking with myself alot been finding out new-old truths bout myself and who i am. i feel like i'm growing into myself and maturing in to a more productive person for myself i'm driven by diffrent things now than before sometimes i'm saddend by the changes in me as in grieving for my old more insecure self and than at times she rears her head and bites me in the arse.. allways with me.
i realized just last week that i finaly started enjoying myself being in israel. it was quiet astounding to realize it. but its true i am finaly having fun here. i'm by myself and more or less independent i'm working hard at reaching my goals and am also in the middle of some leap of faith and evolving into better awarness of who i am and what i really want from life i'm not shy bout my opinions i stand by them proudly, i am developing my own privet style and loving it, by reviews from around me i'm doing something right and good too..
yeah i am getting there with a spring in my step and a smile on my face.
i allow myself my down time and respect it for what it is. i handle it better just by knowing its part of life and tommorow is a new day and i will feel better in the morning..
i like my self way more now than a year ago and thats for sure..
happy!

here's something i jotted down friday night..

what is it with you guys?
why do you complicatethe simplest things in life?
why can't we trust you to grow up and speak your mind?
what makes it so difficult for you to deal with us that turns growen men in to todllers when the time comes to say it like it is?
why do most of you prefare"fading out" instaed of just saying no?
rejection is allways a posibilitywhen we go after you (waiting for you to grab your balls and go after us is to damn tiering), but we still put ourselves out there and have a go..
why cant you stand up and really be men all the way and say it like it is?
is being an arse prefable to being honest?
do you fear us?
do you find us (me) too intimidating? am i too much for you to handel?
what is so terefying about being honest?
am i the "lone ranger" in beliving that honesty is the best policy?
is there ever going to be a man who can stand up to me and not try to tame me and fit me into his mold (cheff i'm talking bout you!!)?
am i so diffrent to you that facing me is so scary?
or do you dread i'll turn all "fatal attraction" on your arse?
that i'll bite your head off?
where are the men who who could stand their ground and not cower in shame while facing me as i am in all my "awasome power"?
you all come off so sure of yourself and balsy and when i respond to you as i am you go run for cover and fade out leaving behind nothing but a pair of balls hanging in your spot..

my wall of shame is getting crowded damn you weak men..
do you see us as to fragile to withstand rejection? do you hate yourself for not being all that strong like your suppose to be as socsity says you should be?
and still you complain that we play games and that you want things to be straight farwards..
and when your finally face someone who isnt playing games and tells you what they want and how you like it you cant handel it.. it scares you shitless..
why is honesty so over rated? and still everyones voicess their claim to honest no plays deal while lying through their teeth..
honesty is cherished like some old unacchivable virtue.. unacchivable being the main point it seems..

another one bites the dust, another head on the wall.
another expectaion for something more blown on an idiot who cant handle it no matter how much he claims to be after it..
why do you keep lying to yourselves and me, that your diffrent and evolved, when you really are quouting what the magazines say you should..

go back to your safe gray box and dont tease my time..
i still have some faith in your kind but its running out..
dont want to end up like the lonely cat lady at the end of the street who just gave up on humens ever understaning me or feeling like i was born in the wrong fucking era.. way ahead of my time..

there has to be a better way..

a better way to deal with this. this bullshit.
after i returened the dog yesterday, and noticed that he took the picture i gave him for new year's of the wall replacing it with some other picture and told him i would call later to take the dog for her nightly walk, he said there's no need that he would take her himself, while coocking dinner for more than himself, i went out partying hoping i could find someone something to sink my teeth in just to distract my self from the humilition and to just get my mind of his shit. came back round six in the morning alone and missing the comfort of sharing some affection with anything even the dog would have been something. while still liveing by myself before i met him i had my cat to fondel after a late night.. i just miss that touch of warmth, its harder to handle late at night this loneliness..
so the party was good and i did have fun but still wish i had something to take away just for a moment the hurt and loneliness.
dreamt of him again last night: that in some anoying way i get to see him with his new chikky and she was fat and rather ugly and again we get to a confrontation and again the fraustration of not really being heard by him came up again, the arguments the need to get a say in things and not just have him block me out like he did. oh the joy..
now i'm here at his palce again, have to get some shit off my chest, and in the same hand i keep loading it in cause being here iritates me so. having all this small and petty thoughts of who washed his dishes and who bought the diet yogort in the fridge. its killing me inside and still its like a damn road pile its horrible to look at but you cant stop yourself from doing it.
think i'm going to adaopt the kiosk with internet in the hood as this is painfull as it is.
having to call to take out the dog.. its more for me than the dog damn it i need her time more than she needs to go. having to go through him first is just so annoying. having to almost beg for time with her is like him having power over me still and i so fucking hate it! i need that dog and i know that if i had some distraction from him i could handle his shit better. i am a sad little thing now and i'm pissed off with him and with me for having to go through it like this.
must be a better way of doing this bullshit.
my own place is still a mass and at times i hate coming home to that place as it still doesnt feel like home, it will take time i know. i know all the god damn answers but they really dont do shit for you while feeling like this, knowing its gonna get better is such a lame comfort while your drowning in your own bile even knowing its self fed bile doesnt make it taste any better.

i'm going to take my time of joy with the dog now might just put a smile on my face..

so yesterday i had to close my post as he came home at the most akward moment, in the middle of a crying fit. he comes over askes me whats up, i say i will be fine and he doesnt bite it so i tell him its all in the letter...
he goes over reads the letter, i'm all nevrves not so sure anymore it was such a good idea that he should read it, and waiting for some response which isnt coming i wait longer before giving up and asking him if he has anything to say about it... (the bomb falls..) he has nothing to say bout it...
all of a sudden i have closeure..
mr sensetivty is all words no action. his way his terms his time or nothing. all this talk of us staying friends is all bull how can you be my friend if you dont care to react to my woes.. how can you think that things are just plain normal cause you said that how they should be?
so now that all is out in the open and i know where i stand (out the door..) i can move on without looking back, and leave the sad basterd to his deamons and illusions of grandure.
i'm having a sick thought of saying thanks for making it so clear for me.. (i wont at least not yet..)
Romil allways said the best revenge is to lead a damn good life whaich is just what i am going to do no regrets no looking back..

wrote a good post yesterday telling all bout how wrathfull i was with him, and due to nasty network problems it went into the dark void of cyberspace.. anyways..
today i am expiriencing the next stage of griving over the end of my realationship with him which is depression and hurt due to noticing that unlike me who's grieving he's out there moving on with his life and dating..
we were somewhat civil to eachother today even with my eyes filling with tears constantly, and with realising that even though i know i am making the right choice by leaving the actual act wasn't mine and so now that i realize it's finality i start my grieving and as i thought i left some kind of mark on his life with the hardship we have had the last two months i thought or wished or expected that he wouldn't be so "eager" to move on and just discard me so quickly. and even with knowing all his faults and knowing i am doing the right thing this ego thing of how easily he has moved on hurts like hell..
him telling me that i made my choices and that he's being all considerate with not bringing his date home as not to hurt me..

again i couldnt tell him how i felt when we tryed talking today after yesterday when i went in to a blazing rage over everything that has happened, so after he crashed on the couch i wrote him a letter that being the only way i have to be heard all the way without argument or distraption, and left it for him on the coffee table to see as soon as he opens his eyes, which didnt happen and after he put it aside before bringing dinner to the table i had to say something to get his attention to it so he would at least know why i'm all pufy eyed and silent, he says " i'll read it when i get back.." and goes off taking food with him somewhere else..
mr. sensetivety strikes back...
abd that like the worst bit i know he's a jerk and i know i'm doing right with me by leaving but my ego is broken right now
feel like a damn 16yr girl all over again with the high school hunk doesnt know i exsist..
part of my lesson i guess as even though in a way i was the one who broke it up i feel like the one left behind, with all my real realtionships till now i was the one who made the cut after realising i wasnt "inlove" or just plain not loving them anymore. feel like i have been dumped.. i can ratanolize everything and i am aware of the stages and that i'm heading for something good and still it doesnt mend a broken ego.. i still care for the jerk and it just eats me up that he's elsewhere doing his thing with others only days after we broke up.
him thinking we could still be friends and that things are almost normal between us excluding the romantic side. it's like he was never there in the first place like he never felt anything, and i'm here feeling like the fool. i know this is only temporary i know i'll get better that its only a matter of time. but i fucking miss him right now.
he just walked in and i feel like an idiot again.

oh whoop di fucking doo..

this is something i wrote a few days ago after this one wouldn't go online..

i'm having a shity al time and was hoping to bitch and rant on my old blog but the damn computer is against me.. so i'll have to make do with this one..came back from zichron today after fleeing TA on tuesday had to get away was loosing my mind, left my man a 4 page letter and took off. that of course didnt sit to well with him and we had a rough phone talk later that night. we are kinf of not together anymore for all kinds of reasons, and now i'm back "home" as i dont have anywhere else to go just yet. we are going to take a kind of cooling off piriod i'll be home hunting again, for a place of my own again oh fun.. i'm too damn confused now as to know how i really feel, right now all i really want is a big hug and some good crying, cant seem to get those damn tears out, and they are ever present and still not spilling. we hurt eachother in so many ways and i know i feel pretty shitty bout it. i am in such a shitty place with myself now. drowning in shit and cant seem to find my own voice among the screaming voices in my head. i am fighting to find myself and my voice and i know that with him i cant do it now i need to have a place of my own to feel secure in and build myself up from the ruins. almost fucked up a job oppurtunity and just barely maneged to save it. i feel all lost in myself. tyring to direct all that pain into something creative and motiveated. trying to pull through with my teheth and nails. trying not to loose it completely. hoping the new week will help me get some strucher in my life and some forward pulling and hope inertia will help me keep on moving. he's all smashed on the sofa and as much as i have a need to wake him up to hug me and hold me i cant bring myself to do so as i am afraid we lost something along the way and i'm too scared to reach out to him anymore and i am so damn alone now, my closest and dearest are far away and most likely asleep. i want something of my own, that is only mine. trying not to wallow too much in my own sorrows as i am afraid i wont find my way back.
•

i hate money and me not being able to hold on to the fucker..

yeah another prety day day in my life.. good news : it rained today.
and thats about all the good news i have..
i dont know how to hold on to money never could.. now the fucker is here to haunt my every move. so yeah shit is still hitting the fan and everyone gets splatterd.. aint life grand.. box of choclates and i just pick the shitty ones up..
dont know what to do anymore. maybe standing on the corner at some dark alley will get me somewhere..
He asked me today what i would have done if he wasnt here to help me out would i still be up to my ears in shit ..
i would be up to my ears in shit and it would have been my shit alright.. bad shit but my shit. probably found some dead end job to break my back on in my freakingly shitty place with my spoiled ass kitty eating leftovers i brought from the garb cans outside with no hope or love but making it happen somehow as there was no other way no dilusions of grandure of fantasy jobs and shops that were never open and that kind of bolocks..
so yeah you could say what is stoping me now? from doing shity jobs and why am i throwing all my shit on him?
probably cause i got a fals sense of safety when he upped my credit with the bank and asked for a credit card only he uses and pays for mostly lets not get too petty he does pay most of it but still i knew how to handle my shity red account with its off balance and overdraft and now with the higher credit line the hole just gets bigger and fucking bigger...
so yeah my life still suck and i try looking for that tiny lil light at the end of my tunneled vision and hope for some grace to land on me.
i am probably looking in the wrong fucking direction just as it lands in my puddle of mud splattreing me with more of my own fucking bile...
tomorow another day and three difrent places to go to looking for work maybe someone will throw me a bone or a stake or something.
guess whats the next chain in the food chain...: self loathing.. obvious right?
arent you proud to be my friend...
i want the damn job and then out..
i'll handel my own shit lamely but it would be well earened self made shit...

fed up with it all

its been a long while since i last wrote, alot has happened on all fronts, still no luck on the job hunt and it yom kipur now.. so i'm checking my check list see where i am at..
i have a feeling that i'm getting fed up with this chef stuff. too many things iritate me bout it lately, his child like actions his need to be in the center of things knowing everything better then anyone boasting and bulshiting bout shit he's cluless bout, and all sorts of anyoing lil habits that drive me up the wall, i just dont know if its worth it anymore. maybe i'm just edgy as school starts in a lil bit and i have the urge to be left to my own device which right now is imposiable as i cant spport my self.
i was hoping for a quiet yom kipor just the two of us in some hotel somewhere silence all round and no big productions and it didnt happen so we are still here and there is going to be a dinner thingy with pl coming and he already marked some girl as target to be persuied and i just want to throw all my toys out and scream stop..
had a long heavy talk with M and i know more of what i got myself into and where its going wrong, chef and M are on non speaking terms and he thinks she's trying to subvert me to her side sticking wedges as she goes along. it has been stormy for two and a half weeks between us ups and downs on an almost regular basis and it seems to be setlling down but i am still itchy all over. i need to find me a job and reconsider everything again i think i need to detach myself from him a bit even though i'm not sure how much i can with all his envovment in my financess and things with my name on them that he's paying for. its uglier then i am willing to admit and remeniscent of my past life with my dutch EX, right now dear Asprine is cringing in his seat going:OUCH! Damn girl not again!!! i know darling, i'm ouching myself too, this must be worst then your never endind study, heres me doing the same lesson for the third and a half time over again, lets all hope this time i'll get it right..
i say lets meet in a'dam when you finally get back from your travels and celebrate my return to my favorite city..
sounds like fun ha?
i think so too it will keep me warm at night when i sleep on the street and feed on leftovers..
yeah bitch bitchy..
so yeah my exhibition opened last week and except the part where i'm majorly pissed with my teacher for only putting one of my items on display its really beautyfull. ill send you a pic sometime next week (Asprine going: a-ha to himself, that and the rest of them pic's you promised right?) that evening had its own hell intailed.. something bout some guy he introduced to me and then turn around and told me he's bad news after that "bad news" guy took me home from the expo (he lives in the nighbourhood ) and i went up for coffee at his place. yes he flirts with me yes i know he wants to get into my pants, yes i flirt back, yes i find him atractive, no i havent done anything bout it. chef got pisses bout it said the guy was a story teller and it isn't apropiate for me to be seen with him as long as i am with cheff. then had a hard time handling the truth bout me admitting to finding bad news guy attractive even though i have no intentions on folowing through. still was a hail storm to deal with..
on diffrent news his other woman can drive me mad with her lack of sensetivety to the outside world and lack of responsibilty with other ppl's possesions and just a total spoiled brat. cant talk to him bout it as he would say i'm being poisened by M or other imaginary friends and dont want to open it with M as it doesnt help shit.

news flash.. my boss at the shinkin store might have a proposition that can benefit us both, he wants me to make use of the little niche he has behinde the shop as a studio and work there for him and the shop, and have half time there and half time at the shop front. that could be really good for me as its work and getting some more "fly-time" in the studio. i hope we can work something out to benefit us both..

for now chef's "ideas" of buying a house and/or car with my name on it are for now on hold, i hope they stay that way as right now i'm too confused bout "our"future together and those things could get really messy..

school starts in two weeks, hopefully by then there will be a steady job and my own money to claim my indipendence.. and you never know i might just be able to spread my wings and fly out of here again back to where i really want to be which is amsterdam..

i have no idea whats wrong with me lately..

i seem to be falling from one storm to another..
the other woman slept with us yesterday, which is ok, i just made it clear that i wasn't intrested in doing anything together as i am not attracted to her one bit. so yeah that went ok, and still i slept bad as she was sleeping next to putting Chef out of my reach, in the morning i found myself inraged by her presence i had to leave, took Cher for a walk and called M to bitch about it.
got home and i was still inrage, so much my hands were shaking..
caught myself and started wondering where it was all coming from? i'm not like that it disturbed me. Chef pulled me in to the room put the cat-o'-nine in my hand, the other woman wanted to feel what it was like... it took alot of self control not to flog her to oblivion.. i maneged to give her a gentel taste and went to the loo, in the mean time Chef and me talked it over i tryed to explain to him that i am not jealous that if i would have met her on diffrent terms we wouldn't go past hello hello, that she has to many ticks that blow my mind but as she is part of his life i tolatrate her as best i can. that i don't understand their realtionship but it's not for me to understand but to except as is.

later in the day with this whight on my shoulders i brain stormed the issue with my self and came to understanding that some of that useless rage wasn't even mine, i was poisend by another and was voicing feeling that weren't all mine. i feel like a total shit about it.
i'll apologise to the other woman tomorrow as i do feel shity about it.

i'll talk to M about it as she is the source of the poisen and it's getting in the way. she can keep it to herself from now on.
told Cheff about it, how i feel and my conclusion my intent to repent and apologise to her, he said he had a feeling bout it but didnt want to say it, i agree i had to come to it by myself,
part of my growth..
lets hope the stormy weather is behind me..
wishing me a sunny weekend.

i lost my self yesterday.

" i hurt my self today,
to see if i still bleed. "

it's not an excat qute but close enough to how i feel.
after a strange yesterday.

i invited Summer over to our place yesterday and was quite surprised at how easyly she said yes and then came over, even though she only just met Us the other day.
i have to admit she makes me tingle. something about her gets me going. i chose her and told Chef she's my choice. we spoke at homw bout what she does (Jazz singer, up coming show this saturday) how old she was (21(dear me)). what else is she intrested in(cooking especialy deserts..) and bout her goals in life. we offered our selves as assiting bodys, she excepted.
she seems a bit reluctant bout men (no boyfriend at the moment) and scared to admmit shes attracted to women as well. i was sitting behind her while Cheff spoke with her and couldnt take my eyes of her, the line of her neck her young breasts through her top.. madning. never looked at a girl like that.

Chef told me she's mine, to play with, teach and dominate.
he explained to her how things work in the house, she seemed curious and aroused and still afraid. i walked her to a cab and told her she can call me whemn she needs too, and sent her on her way.

now from here things got strange, i came home after walking the dog, and was in a diffrent world, havent even noticed it then, but i want fully there. we talked a bit about her, and watched tv fell asleep infront of it, which was when i became more aware that i want totaly there, it was anoying, but i wasnt able to do much then. everything was just strange in my head.
we went to bed and i couldnt give Chef full heartedly, i was distant and absent minded easyly iratated, and somewhere through there on the verge of falling asleep a though came to me: "i must speak to him in the morning and apologise for not being there"
it was a horrible night for both of us, i was harboring my blenket in my corner not leting him get close to me at all.
woke up all disturbed and frightened, he asked me what was up, all i could say was strange things happened last night. not beeing able to pin point the source, seem to be hiding it from myself and feeling guilty all the same.
i have no idea where i went to. i dont want to go there again.
he asked me why i was grieving on one of the realtionships? if it was this one or another for me
i was shocked. i dont want to end this at all i was having such a great time lately espcially after our down hil things are picking up.. i dont want to end it now over a cute piece of too younge ass..

dont belive i lost my head over her..
i know as he told me that if i'm going to be happier with her i should go for it, that no matter what my happines is most important, that he's allways there for me that i can be sure my place besides him is allways there for me.
and in my head i scream but i dont want this, i like where i am i'm not going anywhere!!

i know shes intrested but denying it, i know she needs guidence, i only want to play around with my new toy.

i'm trying to find a way to let my dominant side show in a healthy way.
in some way i'm scared of it, dont know how to use it proporly yet. iwant to lead her not get carried away, which i am afraid i will. i'm affraid it's going to get complicated. somehow.

i'll figure it out.
will continue later.