Sunday, November 12, 2006

here's something i jotted down friday night..

what is it with you guys?
why do you complicatethe simplest things in life?
why can't we trust you to grow up and speak your mind?
what makes it so difficult for you to deal with us that turns growen men in to todllers when the time comes to say it like it is?
why do most of you prefare"fading out" instaed of just saying no?
rejection is allways a posibilitywhen we go after you (waiting for you to grab your balls and go after us is to damn tiering), but we still put ourselves out there and have a go..
why cant you stand up and really be men all the way and say it like it is?
is being an arse prefable to being honest?
do you fear us?
do you find us (me) too intimidating? am i too much for you to handel?
what is so terefying about being honest?
am i the "lone ranger" in beliving that honesty is the best policy?
is there ever going to be a man who can stand up to me and not try to tame me and fit me into his mold (cheff i'm talking bout you!!)?
am i so diffrent to you that facing me is so scary?
or do you dread i'll turn all "fatal attraction" on your arse?
that i'll bite your head off?
where are the men who who could stand their ground and not cower in shame while facing me as i am in all my "awasome power"?
you all come off so sure of yourself and balsy and when i respond to you as i am you go run for cover and fade out leaving behind nothing but a pair of balls hanging in your spot..

my wall of shame is getting crowded damn you weak men..
do you see us as to fragile to withstand rejection? do you hate yourself for not being all that strong like your suppose to be as socsity says you should be?
and still you complain that we play games and that you want things to be straight farwards..
and when your finally face someone who isnt playing games and tells you what they want and how you like it you cant handel it.. it scares you shitless..
why is honesty so over rated? and still everyones voicess their claim to honest no plays deal while lying through their teeth..
honesty is cherished like some old unacchivable virtue.. unacchivable being the main point it seems..

another one bites the dust, another head on the wall.
another expectaion for something more blown on an idiot who cant handle it no matter how much he claims to be after it..
why do you keep lying to yourselves and me, that your diffrent and evolved, when you really are quouting what the magazines say you should..

go back to your safe gray box and dont tease my time..
i still have some faith in your kind but its running out..
dont want to end up like the lonely cat lady at the end of the street who just gave up on humens ever understaning me or feeling like i was born in the wrong fucking era.. way ahead of my time..

Saturday, November 04, 2006

there has to be a better way..

a better way to deal with this. this bullshit.
after i returened the dog yesterday, and noticed that he took the picture i gave him for new year's of the wall replacing it with some other picture and told him i would call later to take the dog for her nightly walk, he said there's no need that he would take her himself, while coocking dinner for more than himself, i went out partying hoping i could find someone something to sink my teeth in just to distract my self from the humilition and to just get my mind of his shit. came back round six in the morning alone and missing the comfort of sharing some affection with anything even the dog would have been something. while still liveing by myself before i met him i had my cat to fondel after a late night.. i just miss that touch of warmth, its harder to handle late at night this loneliness..
so the party was good and i did have fun but still wish i had something to take away just for a moment the hurt and loneliness.
dreamt of him again last night: that in some anoying way i get to see him with his new chikky and she was fat and rather ugly and again we get to a confrontation and again the fraustration of not really being heard by him came up again, the arguments the need to get a say in things and not just have him block me out like he did. oh the joy..
now i'm here at his palce again, have to get some shit off my chest, and in the same hand i keep loading it in cause being here iritates me so. having all this small and petty thoughts of who washed his dishes and who bought the diet yogort in the fridge. its killing me inside and still its like a damn road pile its horrible to look at but you cant stop yourself from doing it.
think i'm going to adaopt the kiosk with internet in the hood as this is painfull as it is.
having to call to take out the dog.. its more for me than the dog damn it i need her time more than she needs to go. having to go through him first is just so annoying. having to almost beg for time with her is like him having power over me still and i so fucking hate it! i need that dog and i know that if i had some distraction from him i could handle his shit better. i am a sad little thing now and i'm pissed off with him and with me for having to go through it like this.
must be a better way of doing this bullshit.
my own place is still a mass and at times i hate coming home to that place as it still doesnt feel like home, it will take time i know. i know all the god damn answers but they really dont do shit for you while feeling like this, knowing its gonna get better is such a lame comfort while your drowning in your own bile even knowing its self fed bile doesnt make it taste any better.

i'm going to take my time of joy with the dog now might just put a smile on my face..