a better way to deal with this. this bullshit.
after i returened the dog yesterday, and noticed that he took the picture i gave him for new year's of the wall replacing it with some other picture and told him i would call later to take the dog for her nightly walk, he said there's no need that he would take her himself, while coocking dinner for more than himself, i went out partying hoping i could find someone something to sink my teeth in just to distract my self from the humilition and to just get my mind of his shit. came back round six in the morning alone and missing the comfort of sharing some affection with anything even the dog would have been something. while still liveing by myself before i met him i had my cat to fondel after a late night.. i just miss that touch of warmth, its harder to handle late at night this loneliness..
so the party was good and i did have fun but still wish i had something to take away just for a moment the hurt and loneliness.
dreamt of him again last night: that in some anoying way i get to see him with his new chikky and she was fat and rather ugly and again we get to a confrontation and again the fraustration of not really being heard by him came up again, the arguments the need to get a say in things and not just have him block me out like he did. oh the joy..
now i'm here at his palce again, have to get some shit off my chest, and in the same hand i keep loading it in cause being here iritates me so. having all this small and petty thoughts of who washed his dishes and who bought the diet yogort in the fridge. its killing me inside and still its like a damn road pile its horrible to look at but you cant stop yourself from doing it.
think i'm going to adaopt the kiosk with internet in the hood as this is painfull as it is.
having to call to take out the dog.. its more for me than the dog damn it i need her time more than she needs to go. having to go through him first is just so annoying. having to almost beg for time with her is like him having power over me still and i so fucking hate it! i need that dog and i know that if i had some distraction from him i could handle his shit better. i am a sad little thing now and i'm pissed off with him and with me for having to go through it like this.
must be a better way of doing this bullshit.
my own place is still a mass and at times i hate coming home to that place as it still doesnt feel like home, it will take time i know. i know all the god damn answers but they really dont do shit for you while feeling like this, knowing its gonna get better is such a lame comfort while your drowning in your own bile even knowing its self fed bile doesnt make it taste any better.
i'm going to take my time of joy with the dog now might just put a smile on my face..