Sunday, January 21, 2007

well well...
what can i say now that i am wiser to the whole new guy thing situation, i called him we talked for the shortest time till now.. had to ask some hard and heavy questions.. got me some answers, i should be happy as they are not totally bad but i'm not as they were not what i really wanted to hear even though they were honest, he brought up the dreadfull pltonic issue which was in some way scarier than total rejection but i guess he just needs more time to get to know me. maybe if its actually meant to be we would walk together towards some sunset..
right now i at least know where i stand, i know he likes me and is happy that he met me(his words) but he doesnt know if he is ready for a realtionship.. we are still going to see eachother maybe even this week, we are still going to stay in touch and if i'll stop getting ahead of myself and let off the pressure, something might come out of it.. (my words).
the hard bit will of course be for me not to get ahead of myself and settel for what is actually on offer and bite my time, maybe something else will come my way maybe i'll get over this thing and maybe just get my heart broken..
maybe some starnge sort of friendship will come out of it, i'll learn something new and make another step farward towards a better future..
lack of patince was allways one of my vices.. maybe i'll get better at that too..

i'm trying to think if this whole thing would have been easier for me if we hadnt end up in bed on the first night we met, or is it a good thing i at least got a taste of what he is capable of
jury is still out on that one..
i guess i will be fine with it as long as i am not aware of him fancying anyother girl. that would be probably too hard for me to handel right now and also in the near future...
time will tell..
fraustrating Time allways has the last say in these matters.. and as it seems that one thing i have learned from my past that the ones who have been into me from the start have turned out to be no good for me then maybe this will prove to be diffrent.
the knowledge i have of actually wanting something like love and a realtionship, a good healthy realtionship, doesnt necceserly brings the things to your door step in the most obvious ways. the fact that i know something good is going to happen to me can be confusing when you meet ppl who seem to fit the bill when you first meet them..
i have alas no choice but to bite my time and sit back and wait.. damn but i hate that bit but its the one thing i do need to learn.. and so it seems that i will..
with these thoughts i shall sign off and hope for a good productive week.. i do have one great thing i know will happen this week to look forward to.. my new tattoo!!
good night to all and may your dreams and mine come true..

Saturday, January 20, 2007

new day new fraustrations..

talked with new guy thing for two hr yesterday and except the fear of runing out of things to talk about and him finding out i'm not that exciting as i might have seemed to be and hiding back in his shell, it seems that he is conflicted (his words) on the subject of should we talk about what we are doing or not. which kind of puts a cork in my bottle of never ending angels on what we have as my insecuritys just keep on poping up no matter where i look..
i told him that i wanted to see him again mentioned the weekend and heard him freak out..
i wish i could have some time together not on the phone with out the having to go to work and stuff.. just some unlimited time so i could try and maybe ask some questions i kindda need answered like does he even like me as i really am totally clueless as to where i stand..
i keep on wondering if it was some kind of a one time thing and i am now labeled as an out spoken kind of platonic girl he just listens too and not much more.. i am freaked out out him as i know i'm hooked i like him and afraid of getting my heart tangeled on a fruitless tree..
it seems i do all the talking and when we talk on the phone and as i'm so afraid of freaking him out and making him run away from me too soon i try not to confront him too much its so fraustrating..
i asked him last night if there were any actuall ruels of engagment when it comes to this tea and cake stuff that i should follow as all this unknowen stuff is hindering me and he didnt know what to say we both seem to be hanging on air..
i wish that we could just talk person to person not with this phone thing but just some time for just the two of us to see what is this thing we have, do we actually have something?
i am doing better on this holding back thing i think. only sent him one sms today a really short one didnt freak out too much for still not having a response but i might just be avoiding the inevitable.. i know this things are most of the time this unclear its part of their so called magic.
he said he might be in TA sunday or monday to do some stuff and i just hope to maybe bump into him or have him actually come and see me, i had my fantasies of having a long weekend with him but i am frightened to offer as it seems to scare him, so i just droped the idea and told him to just consider it with out having to actually say if he wanted too or not. thats kindda of hard for me too as i have this need to plan my week ahead of time as to have something to look farwards too, but with him i cant i can only wish that he might think it would be a good idea to see me again too and maybe do something about it..

food break i shell be back..

Friday, January 19, 2007

tea and cake kindda suck..

so yeah i met someone new and exciting and i think my lesson to learn here to start from is patienc..
it's hard and anoying most of the time but as i do think he's worth it i'm grinding my teeth and pulling through somehow, got me creative all this holding back thing got me making a whole brand new chainmail braclet yesterday while grinding my teeth not picking up the phone as not freak him out, i belive he's really worth it so i'm doing my best. that is also the reason i'm not going to share so much info about him at least not yet as he is kind of shy and doesnt feel to comfortable with it, so all you avid readers of mine(ha!) will have to wait and see and hope to godds like me i wont fuck it up..

on the updating buissness as i just stoped myself from sharing anymore info concerning my new thing..
its been almost a year since i started writing this blog and so much has happened this year its kind of exciting and dramatic in many ways.. i have been going on some wild roler coastr of evolution with myself i seem to have reached so many insights an revelations on what and why i tic a certin way compared to others on how much progress i have made and how much more i still have to learn its scary and exciting just like how i feel bout this new thing..
iron man has left for another of his great travels in the worst time for me(only kidding dear just read your mail box and you could grin back at you your screen saying bitch ass..!) anyway so i am heading in the right direction and i must addmit with some trepedition that the intense new thing i wished my self is just around the corner.. new thing guy when meeting him and spending some time with him seemed like someone was reading over my shoulder when i made a silly little list of what i wanted to find in my next guy i meet and he fits the bil in so many ways its frightning.. guess my sacrafice for making it work will be learning to hold back and being patint and a potential for a siriusly broken heart... yeah i know but i guess that is one of the ways to learn and its an important lesson to learn...wish me luck i'll probably need it..knowing me.. again iron man is smiling wickedly to himself glad i could finally pick up on his logic... he reminds me so much of you dearest ironman..
i want to say so much on the matter of this new guy thing but i know i shouldnt its annoying, i'm biting my tounge constantly grinding my teeth and pushing on with the tea and cake settelmant we kindda came to as so i wont frighten him away.. and to think that i thought i could find solace in my own damn blog but no i'm sirious bout this tea and cake stuff.. i shall make it work.. somehow..

so updating stuff.. hmm... well been to a henry rollins spoken word show!! was really good (was also where i met the guy so cant really go there..
oh i know! my b-day! now that was truelly amazing had the time of my life loads of laughs went round but you had to e there so its not that much to tell.. i am 29.. thats kinnda new..not precisly where i hoped to be ut yeah its been a funny year..

funny year indeed.. read some of my postes from the time i was with the cook.. aguh.. its amazing how perspectives can change.. that was one important lesson in digusting.. i cant say that i cant belive i was actually with him but it does turn my stumec in the worst way posiable reading that stuff.. the way things turned from bad to worst after i ran away.. how much reality was slapped in my face bout where i was and with who i was.. that is one lesson i hope to goddes and goddesess i have learned.. damn but did things turned ugly after i cut him off my money.. ridiculess that might sound but damn true.. really sad truth.. how ugly ppl can turn when you set yourself free of their greedy reach and i do not mean the money ...damn... that is one tale i would really dread sharing with new guy thing.. i would run away from me screaming after that tale...

i must share some items of intrest concerning him in a round about way.. we talked on the phone for hours.. and i do mean hours.. 4 hr the first time 2hr the next day.. alot more the second time we were together.. i know i might be falling for him its spookey.. i know that with all the hardship it can bring: falling for someone like him might bring i would still do it without flinching knowing heart break is just around the corner and still so is an amazing love story and i am after all an optimisic little girl..

i'll sign off for now but i'll keep you avid readers in the loop as much as i can..