Wednesday, August 23, 2006

i have no idea whats wrong with me lately..

i seem to be falling from one storm to another..
the other woman slept with us yesterday, which is ok, i just made it clear that i wasn't intrested in doing anything together as i am not attracted to her one bit. so yeah that went ok, and still i slept bad as she was sleeping next to putting Chef out of my reach, in the morning i found myself inraged by her presence i had to leave, took Cher for a walk and called M to bitch about it.
got home and i was still inrage, so much my hands were shaking..
caught myself and started wondering where it was all coming from? i'm not like that it disturbed me. Chef pulled me in to the room put the cat-o'-nine in my hand, the other woman wanted to feel what it was like... it took alot of self control not to flog her to oblivion.. i maneged to give her a gentel taste and went to the loo, in the mean time Chef and me talked it over i tryed to explain to him that i am not jealous that if i would have met her on diffrent terms we wouldn't go past hello hello, that she has to many ticks that blow my mind but as she is part of his life i tolatrate her as best i can. that i don't understand their realtionship but it's not for me to understand but to except as is.

later in the day with this whight on my shoulders i brain stormed the issue with my self and came to understanding that some of that useless rage wasn't even mine, i was poisend by another and was voicing feeling that weren't all mine. i feel like a total shit about it.
i'll apologise to the other woman tomorrow as i do feel shity about it.

i'll talk to M about it as she is the source of the poisen and it's getting in the way. she can keep it to herself from now on.
told Cheff about it, how i feel and my conclusion my intent to repent and apologise to her, he said he had a feeling bout it but didnt want to say it, i agree i had to come to it by myself,
part of my growth..
lets hope the stormy weather is behind me..
wishing me a sunny weekend.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

i lost my self yesterday.

" i hurt my self today,
to see if i still bleed. "

it's not an excat qute but close enough to how i feel.
after a strange yesterday.

i invited Summer over to our place yesterday and was quite surprised at how easyly she said yes and then came over, even though she only just met Us the other day.
i have to admit she makes me tingle. something about her gets me going. i chose her and told Chef she's my choice. we spoke at homw bout what she does (Jazz singer, up coming show this saturday) how old she was (21(dear me)). what else is she intrested in(cooking especialy deserts..) and bout her goals in life. we offered our selves as assiting bodys, she excepted.
she seems a bit reluctant bout men (no boyfriend at the moment) and scared to admmit shes attracted to women as well. i was sitting behind her while Cheff spoke with her and couldnt take my eyes of her, the line of her neck her young breasts through her top.. madning. never looked at a girl like that.

Chef told me she's mine, to play with, teach and dominate.
he explained to her how things work in the house, she seemed curious and aroused and still afraid. i walked her to a cab and told her she can call me whemn she needs too, and sent her on her way.

now from here things got strange, i came home after walking the dog, and was in a diffrent world, havent even noticed it then, but i want fully there. we talked a bit about her, and watched tv fell asleep infront of it, which was when i became more aware that i want totaly there, it was anoying, but i wasnt able to do much then. everything was just strange in my head.
we went to bed and i couldnt give Chef full heartedly, i was distant and absent minded easyly iratated, and somewhere through there on the verge of falling asleep a though came to me: "i must speak to him in the morning and apologise for not being there"
it was a horrible night for both of us, i was harboring my blenket in my corner not leting him get close to me at all.
woke up all disturbed and frightened, he asked me what was up, all i could say was strange things happened last night. not beeing able to pin point the source, seem to be hiding it from myself and feeling guilty all the same.
i have no idea where i went to. i dont want to go there again.
he asked me why i was grieving on one of the realtionships? if it was this one or another for me
i was shocked. i dont want to end this at all i was having such a great time lately espcially after our down hil things are picking up.. i dont want to end it now over a cute piece of too younge ass..

dont belive i lost my head over her..
i know as he told me that if i'm going to be happier with her i should go for it, that no matter what my happines is most important, that he's allways there for me that i can be sure my place besides him is allways there for me.
and in my head i scream but i dont want this, i like where i am i'm not going anywhere!!

i know shes intrested but denying it, i know she needs guidence, i only want to play around with my new toy.

i'm trying to find a way to let my dominant side show in a healthy way.
in some way i'm scared of it, dont know how to use it proporly yet. iwant to lead her not get carried away, which i am afraid i will. i'm affraid it's going to get complicated. somehow.

i'll figure it out.
will continue later.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

damn it..

Chef is going through something, and he won't talk about it. i know i need to give him time to sort it out with himself, and that he's the only one who can help himself out of it.
i hope that with this Lebnon situaition clming down (i hope) a bit it will get easier, and soon he'll come back to himself.
in the mean time i am feeling really fraustrated, its been more than a week since we last had sex, he spent a few nights on the couch, falling asleep there. so there wasn't much of the morning activitys i got used to, and so its sexual fraustrtion on my part and feeling a bit left out and neglected. i feel stuck as i am in many ways dependent on him being out of work and not having my own place and not much money so it just hightens the whole issue. and so my deamons, are screaming to be heard and i know it's not really proportional to what's actually happning but i still feel like that. i know that it would be easier for me if he wasnt so far away as he is now, that if i could actually sleep with him in the same bed and feel him next to me i would feel more secure about my place. it's hard for me to be strong for him and just be there when he seems to be offering to save every other maden in distress but me, i have no problems with the madens or sharing him as long as i get some on the way too! it's hard for me to except them when i don't feel my needs met. i know it' a faze, i know that when he'll sort his shit out things will get better but in the mean time i feel like this. i try not to be too noticable in feeling so as to not get dragged into an argument. i try to be there for him and support him as much as i can i just need some tender love and care too..

we are suppose to go to the dugeoun tonight and hopefully we will.. maybe a session w'll do me some good, would release some of my deamons through my pain. even though at times i wish it could be only us there, wish we could keep the intimcy of the rack afterwards just for us, i dont like to share him then, i want to enjoy the conection we have alone, have him all proud of me and happy with me alone with out being distracted by another piece of ass or tits..
i dont ask for it as i don't want to come out as possesive.

i know it will all get its proportions soon, that i just need to get this out as to let my deamons be heard so they'll stop chasing and screaming in my head.

and still there are time when i think : why the fuck do i need this for? why can't i just find myself a nice simple guy to sink my teeth in every night? (M will attest it isn't as easy as it sounds.. )
and answer my self in the same time: been there done that seen the movie bought thr t-shirt.. i.e: ex boyfriend..

i need the thrill i need the chalenge. otherwise it's not enough fun for me and i get boerd..
Asprine told me that a long time ago.. i can't deny myself who i am and unlearn what i have learned.. i need to puke my deamons voices out release them, look up and move farwards happy with who i am and proud of myself for not widrawling again in to my shell..
who ever said its going to be easy..?

Bast be with me today, more then everyday..