Sunday, April 29, 2007

i did something silly friday, i asked TT to come with me to a shabat dinner at Itch&Rose..
it only occurred to me yesterday what an idiotic idea that was, for the record i did ask him first and he thought it would be amusing, which it was, and still it's such a couple thing to do, maybe its this false sense of security i have or just that everything just seems so easy bout this "not yet definable" thing we have here. so we went and it was fun and yet only yesterday it dawned on me..
it does seem to resemble a relationship and in a way it is in some strange way, still at the end of the day i am as yet more comfortable with the idea that this is a fucking buddy kind of deal, no matter what it might look like to others. we talked bout it a bit the other day online, and I'm still safe guarding myself as much as i can as not to fall into ideas of anything else that might be or might not be happening between us.
i think this might be an evolution of what used to be the old fucking buddy deal. its new and different to what I'm used to have with fucking buddy's(FB's) but i guess we have a good time together to make this thing slightly more cozy then what we are normally used to in this type of situations..
besides that we still seem to have a ball in bed with each other and there is some sense of intimacy between us that is fueling this whatever thing it is we are having together.
we had a talk the other night over the idea of adding another "component" to bed, i had to recoil in fear due to my last episodes with the damn cook, cant handle that as of yet, too painful for now for me to consider, i know that is something he would enjoy and so would i if i wasn't so itchy with the idea, and as i promised myself after the cook never again to compromise my self, especially not for others sake, i gave him a rain check and promised him and myself to consider it again at a later time. i can totally see how much fun it can be as i remember some of those times as a lot of fun, its just all the abuse that was sent my way through those times with the damn cook that i rather pass up the fun for now till i feel like its me who wants this and not just something i do to please my eye candy of the month..
i must say i was in some way dreading that conversation.. i saw it coming a mile away and the only thing that surprised me was that it took that long to come up.
i understand him bringing it up, i would too if i was him, knowing him to be who he is and what we have being a FB's kind of thing..
i have still some insecurity's about what i can offer him in terms of sex, thoughts of not being able to keep him satisfied or challenged enough but i guess that type of insecurity is just part of having whatever it is we are having, and so far i have manged to do some damage control.
we have found other things to spice up the sex and they are a lot of fun(!) i just try to stay on top of things and not over stay my welcome.
time will tell taken in one baby step at a time.
I'll try to keep up dating as i go along.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

TT as in Audi TT..

sit back enjoy the ride, but don't dare fall in love with it, you can not afford too!!
thats what i have been doing for a while.. TT, i know i made some life changing decision, but i could not resist the the temptation upon meeting TT. so while the "thing" TT and i have is fun and a lot of fun i need to add..
i knew what i was getting myself into. i know what are the TT's weakness and i have become quite familiar with his strengths.. so a "thing" is what I'll call it and see where it would take TT and me next..
And on other fronts: school starts again next week (wax carving..), not really sure how i'm going to pay for it but Arik promised me he will chip in and the rest.. well I'll come up with it somehow, somehow being the key word...
haven't been much to my place lately and that includes my pub too.. i have a feeling they might miss me.. at least i hope they do.. but thats the thing again with TT you don't seem to find anything better then taking it for another and another ride.. when every time is even more exciting than the one before you just want more and more.. who could blame me?
the TT doesn't seem to mind my joyriding so I'm not going to be the one to stay stop at least not yet..
and if it ain't broken..
asprine seems to be having his share of joyriding too.. hooray asprine!! in his back side of the world..
while the rest of them safe gray boxes people pile themselves to and from work.. others like us go joyriding.. just the way it should be!!
till next time..
i know its short but hey thats all i have for now..
keep that damn motor on babe!!

Sunday, April 01, 2007

the next day..

i have been doing alot of thinking and talking with mom about the contents of my last post, i still stand by it and am happy and kinda proud of my writing, besides the issues brought up in it i am proud of the way i deliverd it. i believe i am getting better at this. and still some things don't ring clear enough for me i think that some of them are still cloudy, maybe that is because i still can't see the whole picture, maybe the dust has not setteld as of yet, i am unsure of the cause and it bothers me. not the "not knowing" as such as i know that i will never really know for sure, that is part of the learning experience, its the honing of better writing, of finding the right words and phrases thats still elude me. i know i am geting better at this i know that because i read alot of books in English enriches my use of words and discriptions of my mantel states to be better understood by me and by those who read me, and still i find myself troubled by my lack of a richer vocabulaery.
the day will come when i will find my freedome in English. i try from time to time to express myself in Hebrew but there too i seem to lack all the words i need to express myself fully as i still think in English most of the time, all due to the time spent away from Israel. i try to read more Hebrew to get better and more fluent in that old languagh(sory for the type o' i do hate that too..).

i have come to realise after talking with mom about all i wrote in that last post that no matter how late and/or how obvious it might seem to those around me, untill i won't feel whole within there is no chance that anybody will be able to fill the void within me. no matter how hard i try to find my "other-half" he/she will allways be lacking as i need to find myself whole and therefor happy before i could be happy with what they have to offer me and therfor be happy together, two whole people sharing an experience together. that is my new goal in life, finding within myself my missing picecs of the puzzel that will make me whole within myself and offer a better healthier version to the outside world and aid me on my quest for happiness, i hope to find my freedome in setting my dreams in motion, my freedome and my own style that could carry my art to higher levels and hopefully towards some sort of sucsses and therefor having the abilty to live off my art and not compormise at all sort of sales jobs helping and serving people who have lesser ideas on personal style (no matter if that is the only way ends meet and i am able to pay the rent due to those mundane jobs i dont have to really like them or the people i help). as even though that is what i do, i try whenever i can to inspire them to make more enlightend choices and sometimes i can recomande something i truely do like and not just what happens to be trendy or hip or whatever at that point in time.
i allways have the same argument with my boss that there is no way to sucseed without becoming comersale. he claims there is no other way to do it. i say that he sold his soul too long ago to remember what its like to have one. he says i am naive, we are both right in our own ways. i dont wish to be obceanly rich, i want to make my art work for me and be alowed the freedome to make what i want and what i like to a smal but stylish crowd who doesn't want to be seen wearing what everybody else does. i want to have the freedome even if tight to make my dream come true and have a small studio of my own where people who know of it gather and share their life in some way or another. i don't want to be known all over the world. i want to stay underground and be me. i know that without the mainstream i won't be as unique as i know i am, i know that without H.Stren and the like i won't have my own place in this world but i have dreams of my own select crowd who can appreciate what i have to offer in small and very stylish amounts to set them apart from the rest of the people in the street. i want to carve myself a little piece of heaven here in this world and share it with those on the same quest as i am on who are outside the box and feel comfortable there like me.
every now and then i bump into my future costumers, sometimes we are both aware of it sometimes its just me or just them and i hope that we shall bump into each other again in the future too.