Sunday, February 26, 2006

got an email from my EX today, made me cry. it was not that i regret ending the realtionship, as much as his listing all our privet moments that he misses, in a way i still beat myself up for all the mistakes we made on the way and how long i knew it was heading for a fall before i could voice it myself. he became a really good friend and it hurt more to break it up cause i knew id break his heart which i did but it still hurts as he does deserve better even though he will never agree with me about it.
i need to sleep over this some more its all too fresh.
to be continued.
*the next evening...*

we apperntly started a new line of comunication, we mail each other long mails, i dont know where its heading but i'm glad he is making some progress if anything at least he learned a few things about himself no matter how painfull they are.
one day i'll learn not to break sweet mens hearts fooling them into bellieving that i am as inlove with them as they are with me, the one before this one informed me the other day that he's expecting his first born in 4 months ... i am happy for him just wish he could reach this happinness with out me trampling his heart like i did, even though i know that its posiable that if i hadn't brought him back form amsterdam he would not have met his wife and mother of his first child. i dont think i'll get lucky this time not with all the time me and EX spent together before i realised i was there for the wrong reasons and that i apperntly was never inlove with him in the first place, but was just having so much fun with him i thought i'll i dont know what i thought... but we had some really good times together i just i could avoid breaking his heart. the only other person who knew all this till now was my Mother and she guessed most of it, this is the first time i admit to all of my crimes against my dearst friend.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

shorter men.. and:.Safe Gray Boxess

damn it, another lame excuse another body on the wall of *i'm scared of this lady, shes all tall and direct and she'll bite my head off..* damn you men, go join Prince Igor and Flirting Guy on the wall of shame!! maybe the three of you could have a pissing competion on how lame you're excuses were to avoid me...
i am a good person whome two of you havent even botherd to meet cause i'm taller then you? i mean come on what ever happened to your balls you dangeled so proudly in the foreplay of flirting... so yeah my pic is not in my profile and when you ask me about it you turn all bussy and cold and distant...
i mean fuck! its only a social get together no one is expecting you to A:fall madly in love with me,
B:buy me drinks in hopes i would put out, C: offer you my total devotion and wrap my self around your finger...
damn it i'm just trying to meet new people... if you liked me so far what makes you think it would cange if i'm taller then you?
(for those who are not in the loop: 181cm thats the whole deal.. i'm no giant woman freak!!! no offance meant to taller woman then me! i am sure you have your fair share of idiotic men to deal with)
i promise i'll be sitting the whole time so no one will see that i tower over you! why are you men get so intimidated by me?
i am not that amazing! i am more intelegant then some and have a very open mind and i am very out spoken, but hey why is that so frightning? damn it P.Igor was right when he said: We are all Robots! you men are! you have no idea how to break the siliy box of protection and safe gaurds you put up since childhood, to make sure nothing strange and out of the ordinary will creep into your safe box of gray normality... damn you boring people!!
how you like to pretand your something more, something close to intresting, you play with words and play with fire and then you realize the heat is too much so you slither out of my kitchen back to your safe boxes! so you could tell all your gray safe people how you were playing with fire but maneged to escape with only singed eye lashes, and the hint of true freedome on your finger tips, and boy, that freedome tastes good... but this taste comes with a high price tag ... of unknown amount of p

guess what? its the weekend again!!!

time flys when your having fun they say, well don't know much bout the fun bit but it does fly. if all goes well i'll be heading to the movies tonight and might just meet some people there, already got one positive response from someone and hopefully there will be more then just one. worst case i'll watch a movie by myself and go home, as we all know i have had worst weekends than that ;)
*minutes later*
i got a response from one that seems to want to join the wall of men i scare... and that wall is getting crowded.. apperently my hight is a factor.. never saw that as a problem.. but apperntly some men find it intimidating.. i cant help them there. will see maybe Batman will find the courage to look me in the eyes and risk his neck and come see a movie with me..all i'm saying is it's only a damn movie.. nothing more!!

someone yesterday said i was brave/nuts to post my number like that and invite the whole world to join me at the movies! well i am quite desperate by now i need to meet more people and if this will get me to know a few more people then great! you need to take risks to get furthur in life it doesnt happen by itself change comes from within and as i am not a very patient person i'll invite and risk and share and maybe someone else will find the courage to venture out of their cosy box and try something new and exciting, i dont see too many choices for me. i risk my neck a bit or i stay lonely! so a bit of risk is fine with me! at the end i can only gain from this...
going to have a Sponja break and come back with more news soon!!!

Bastt save me from chikenshit men!!

Friday, February 24, 2006

that horny weather is upon us again...

that horny weather.. that spring in the air... the nice weather reminds me of friday afternoons on my balcony in my first place in tel aviv, reading the papers listning to to the blessed silence decends on the city and this new air coming in filled with promisess and hopes of a good night out, this is when i really miss tel aviv, just walking in the streets on a friday everyone winding down before the weekend... even as a true winter person i miss spring/begining of summer in tel aviv.. there is romance in the air...
yep i am still as horny as ever and my flirting friend who chickened out is staying away, i dont know if its becaues he's busy or just really intimidated which would be a real shame as i was having fun talking to him he had enough brains on him to have a really cool interaction.. was hoping to meet up as friends and maybe catch a movie or something tomorow as my design class got cancelled, so i have no need to get any home work done and i dont have to wake up early on sunday, so what a better plan then to do something instead of rotting at home.. maybe i'll send an open invetation ... i think i'll do that right now...

* few minutes later*

well thats done now i just have to wait and see what and who will pull on my hook... if nothing happens, i will be heading to tel aviv anyway tomorow as i hope to see that place i'm hoping to rent so maybe i could kill two birds at one strike..

Bastt save me from boring weekends...

i am going to try my newlly borrowed cd player from Simpson! *my head phones are broken* damn it!! so yeah i just shoved Smashing Pumpkins in the computer..
a bit depressing at times but its good for the soul...
i think i need a cigarret walk wish i could take some music with me.. maybe i'll find some head phones somewhere at home to take with me. a smoke walk with out music is like meat with no gravy...
i'll be going to look for some head phones maybe i'll get lucky..

Bastt save me from myself.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

NIN in the player,,,

in a militant mood, been to tel aviv this morning for a complete waste of time, nothing from the things i went to do there worked out.
the appartment i was going to see: the guy living there was no where to be found. the things i was trying to buy in rashbel: my card refused to assist in and then the shop i was looking for for design homework: was noth there... so yey me for the wasted time the headach in the bus from the annoying grandma on the phone with her grand son... i wanted to scream.. and all that before coffe and breakfast!!! hope fully this day will prove to be better, as after work i'm going back to tel aviv to see another place and then to Simpsons place for a drink. my flirting guy chickend out but its ok. i think it might be the begining of a beautyful friendship... at least i hope so.
havent been to my tat place for a while, havent been in the area for a few days, i wonder if they miss me? tomorow i'm going to the movies with Mother after work instead of saturday i guess hope i'll have some time to work out all of my homework, many ideas that most have such labor pains they never get born not enough technology to save them...

i am not very cohernt today i must admit, i'm afraid i'll loose my fans... :)

hey at least i'm not pregnant... and from P.Igor of all people.. but i'm not(!) so all is actually very well.... just imagine that conversation... hey dick head you knocked me up what do we do?
well that just gave me some real perspective on this whole shit day!! thank Bastt for little mercy's...
so yeah this place i'm seeing again tonight, has good music in it, have no idea how i live in this place without being able to listen to my music!! so that place has two kids living in it who both play bass and are in metal bands.. and one also plays contrabass.. i am afraid i'll be a bit of a nanny but at least i'll have a place of my own and some music to keep me company and dearest Polish Princess will have a kitten friend to get her fit and happy! so cross your fingers for me that everything clicks that needs clicking... with the Boys.
hope to come back from the weekend with some new insights...
NIN give me the best chills ever i need to have sex with them in the background hopefully on thoes oh- so -horny two days after that-time-of-the-month!!!

Bastt save me from normal people!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

i made 3 silver rings!!!

i am the greatest... i made three silver rings today!
i'm happy and tiered and i cant type so i'll be proud and sign off quiclly this time.. wish me luck on the weekend...

Monday, February 20, 2006

Been A Good Day!

been a good day today, made alot of progress at school, welded/soldered.. (you choose which ever one is corect) my first two trail rings today!! showed my teacher my design for wedding rings, and i think i even heard a glimmer of a compliment:"the design is intresting" (yey me!!!) so we sat down and talked it through , how and what and where to get it... i'm excited bout it..
worked in a difrent shop today, in the city of dark lights. was a nice change just being away from Boss woman, and made an important decsion bout school:i'm taking wednsday off work to stay in school till late and make up for my forced leave. this way i can probably keep up the pace with the class and hopefully catch up. i also got intresting homework at design class which means i have some good ideas and i'm excited bout starting to play with them and see what happens. hopefully they would work out half as what i expect them to.
besides all things i'm flirting with this guy online who might be reading this... (if you hope you enjoy yourself.. ;)
so maybe i'll get some next week... that would be fun as i really wish someone will finaly catch me in the two days after that time of the month when i am at my peak.. i think i could make someone truelly, happy he'd probably need a holliday afterwards to lick all his wounds but he'll be smiling just the same while doing it...

having someone when i am in that state of mind whould truely be divine pleasure!!!

ok it's geeting late cinderella is going to bed.. long day again tomorow..

Friday, February 17, 2006

the weekend is upon me again...

it's the weekend again, ain't life grand, i'm sitting at home on a friday night writing my blog. i am so lifeless.. (and bitchy..)
i hope to change jobs soon as the one i have right now, which used to be good, truelly sucks now Boss woman is such an iratating humen its madning to work with, shes so strung out on life it's amazing shes still alive, everything is over-complicated and slow and stressfull with her i have no idea what was i thinking taking that job again.. oh yeah i had a worse job before that..
yeah me and the working life, i just can't seem to find a job i can last in more then a year... i don't know if its because i hate most people on a regular basis or that i am too spoiled or that i don't see why you should suffer continuesly while at work? maybe its a bit of all of those.. one day i'll have a place of my own and maybe then i could screen custumer before they walk in to save me all the stupid questions and idiocy thats all around me..
i am actually a realy good sales pesron i am just very selective in who i want to sell too..
have nothing more to share ... i dont have much of a life..

Thursday, February 16, 2006

sex on my mind again...

seen another place today on Hertzel street, the place has potential but i think i rather do the guy who lives there then move in... i know i'm totaly hopless what can i say i have needs which do get stronger when i don't take them out on someone, and its geting close to that time of the month when, i as a woman can't think straight, not that i think i did before :)
in amsterdam i think the hunting was easier for me, i had my dry spells there as my friends will testifay to as i drove them mad with my ranting but at least i could always find someone willing. here its the not knowing too many people to have that guy you've been with that you could call when things get rough, and i try to make some none sexuall friends so coming on to some of my male aquintencess is lacking in future. sometimes i think i come on too strong and that i fright men by being as direct as i am, kinda pulling their game from under them by not letting them hunt me down, i am too impatiant to play this bullshit hard to get as we both know we want the same thing so lets quit beating round the bush and spend more time doing it then playing this silly game of chase and run.
i know it's fun this whole chase thing but i do have better things to do then play those games when i have other, Better, games in mind...
Iron-man bought me a book by Anais Nin, just as i was breaking up with Ex who was abroad at the time (i'll get in to that some other time...) and so i was reading all that erotica and had no where to release all that energy, playing with one self is only half the fun as playing with some one else's self... doing it solo is like teasing with no climex, the excitment of someone else someone new after being with the same guy for two years (not all bad at all just the same) the rush of butterflys in your belly when you think about it is worth the whole damn bitching bout this chase-run shit! i guess i'm a butterfly addict i need to have thrills and excitment on high level to keep me going.
so yeah i got the book and no one to play with, its fruastrating, cause you walk around the whole time thinking bout sex and where can you find someone to get off with. (not as bad as most men but close :)
in my busy no-life-at-all i dont get to meet to many people which makes me more susepteble to jerks.. as i don't get to do proper screenings...
*to be continued*

new ideas new hopes!

well well, been doing some hard thinking bout my life and where its heading and i'm going to be making some changes, that will most certinly keep me too busy to worry bout other irelavent matters such as MEN, for instance... :)

going back to full time school(i.e: 4 mornings a week), going to quit my current dead end job and swap it for a better paying dead end job, going to find a place to stay in TLV hopefully real soon, and not too expensive, and then from next week on be truely busy! too busy to think, too busy to over think and in 4 and a half months time, be out of school, and maybe with some saved money to start my new project which is the ever talked about " my whole back tattoo!!"
cant wait to get it started, (donations will be excepted with a smile) and put my foot down on who i realy am and sprout two eternal feathers in my ever bleeding wings!
those two feathers no one and no thing can ever cut away!
next step after that one would be to start saving money again to get the hell out of this tiny swamp of "normality" and find my own free way in this wide world. first destantion: Amsterdam, how i miss that place, the first time in my life i earned my circle by my own two very presistant hands, from being all alone to having a spportive circle to help me through my down falls and trimph with me at my joys and victorys over homesickness and and lonelines in a forign country, my hell raising uproars at at misbehaving binges and blow (not that kind!!) partys...

thats why this place is so hard for me at times, i need to learn a new toung to get along with the "natives "! to find my own crowd here among all the main stream and the ordered normality is saffocating . to feel like a thorn in their side for wanting something diferent then everyone else, to talk diferent and be diferent then what everyone around you is used to see, to be something else than what they expect from someone "your age" is terefying.
to feel everyday that the REALITY of this place chops down your wings everytime you open your eyes in the morning when you open a news paper, every time you watch tv, when you walk in the street, after already tasting freedome is madning!!

so most of the time you find yourself alone with your true friends living far away from you. when you do meet with them you have nowhere to go out to cause you dont know where to go. when you need advice and a guiding loving hand, a sholder to cry and bitch too, from someone who truely understands you is heaven and is short lived as you both need to go back to your home and to your dead end job to keep on fighting for that place in heavn you promised yourselvs so long ago.

you crave ppl with some open minded intelegance, book reading folk with the vivid imagantion of the dreamer who havent jaded yet. who still see hope and self fullfillment.
i admire those ppl who go with their belife in this Real place with out shame and with disregard to onlookers and narrow minded jealous men and women around them who wear their hearts on their sleeves with pride and honesty, who go about their daily lives as they belive they are!
i admire their courage as i sometimes feel lacking in that field, but i know i am on my way there and no one and no thing will stand in my way to living up to my aspirations and dreams!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


my ex found this site i called mine, now i'll have to watch out for him, dont want him to find too much info bout me...
so in a minute i put my blog adress and erased it the minute after when noticing he found my site.. hopefully he hasnt saw it yet or he knows way too much than what i'd like him to know... anyway have no more privecy to write will do so soon again.. this beats the thrapist...

Saturday, February 11, 2006

dreading the week to come..

been to a movie with Mother, we seem to be making it a habbit as there isnt much to do here over the weekend. the last two times i came back in a thoughtfull mood trying to understand what is this thing that i feel i'm missing in my life (except the obviuos..) and why does this search for this missing thing keeps on throwing me into the arms of innocent bystanders hoping they would be the ones to fill the gap, at least for a bit..

i try to think if it was so difrent while living in amsterdam or is it just my nostalgia that paints it all pink? as i do remeber talking my head off to friends, bitching bout my latest woe with the men in my life, even though i know they come off a difrent plant and i'll never truely understand them, i keep making the stupid assumption that this time i finaly figured what they are after, and i can shift change to fit so i can get what i wanted out of it.
the last time i figured that me, as a newly singel gal about town, all i want is just to get some pressure out, i'll offer the first person i find intresting this offer he cant refuse: uncomplicated sex just for the fun of it! no bitchy phone calls no expectations, on a regular basis i.e: basic comunication skills is a must! (which is where everything went to shit: no com skills what so ever!!)
i figured a man about town whos busy with his work and his night life could deal with such an offer.. enjoy it even..
after all isnt it what most men look for at being singel? offcourse as we all know that deal crashed big times, and one of the things that bug me the most is that i thought i nailed it and then you creatures from out of space change your startagy on me and i'm stuck there all confused and hurt..
so i dont know what to do next bout this maybe i'll try to give it another chance with someone new and hopefully he would be a bit more comuicative than the last and then i'll know better why things happen when they do..

now here is a query of mine: why do men find it so hard to say that they are no longer intrested for whatever lame or true reason they have? i know that i'm not the only woman around who would truely appriciate and honor a simple "look babe its not you its me" or "i had enough of you" or any of the sort, than this whole: " i'll show her what a mature man i truely am by not taking here calls and pulling disapearing acts and beein all true ass, that way i still have a bigger dick then most of my fellow men..."
i mean what the fuck?
if you shared close intimcy with a woman and opened up to her on a very primel level why is it so hard to aknoledge her next time you see her? you think she would be laughing bout the funny noisess you make when your about o come? she would when she feels you're beeing an ass to her, when you act all manly and proud your just showing what a insecure idiot you realy are..

ok i'm doing better this week isnt looking as awafull as it did yesterday..
wish me luck on my home hunting,
a happier cat.

Friday, February 10, 2006

doing slightly better

i dont hate myself as much now as i did earlier, which is a good thing i guess, just wish this whole weekend will be over as nothing realy exciting ever happens here in the city of dark the weekends are mostly get spent in sleep and self wallowing, i'm just bitchy what can i say TLV spoiled me silly even when i was still with ex i could allways go for a walk and feel that some ppl still have a life! here its like being back in the kibbutz again, cant go anywhere unless you got a car.. here its a really expensive cab 50 nis each direction, already 100 nis spent and no alcohol was consumed... thats plain shit...

what a shitty day

i guess that when things start to go wrong they just keepp going..
what was sppouse to be a wonderfull thursday turned to shit rather slowly but still painfully... seen a cool ass apartment that i wanted to rent with M, and what i thought was a briliant wonderfully located affordable place was irking her in all manners known to women.. so instead of talking to the landlord about contracts we were talking realtys of renting a place in tel aviv!! oh the horror..

then the concert i bought a ticket for and was later informed that i won another ticket(yey me!!!) which later tempted me to ask Prince Igor to join me to the concert (ney me...), he said yes, and i already planed how i sink my teeth in his white soft flash and make him pay for being a royal prick last week at Barzilay! btw the concert sucked in my books, except meeting an online buddy it was crap.. anyways so he (P.Igor) sms's me he's going to be late being held up in his super important job.. fine. after an hour or so i tell him he better make it up to me real good for making me wait this long for him, he says cool, call me in 45 min. fine. i do so to find his phone is off due to what i found out later as him being in Maxim and no reception there...

now you would think an intelegent woman like me would get the drift of things and fuck off home , but no, not me, going back to Holon at night with my tail between my legs? too proud to do that. so i sit somewhere have tea and hope for a response. go to visit an old co-worker at her work to pass some of the time and the missery of feeling like a total ass by wasting more of my breath talking bout the royal prick. she suggests i go to his place wake his roomie up as i have no place else to go... fun thought! so here goes me walking all the way to his place, trying to figure out on which door to knock on. after figuring that one out and hearing some music from the inside .. running my story on why on earth i'm knocking on her door at 4am!?! i was worried that maybe something has happened to the royal prick, as in why else would you go silent on me like that? my head goes: *someone stole his phone * it broke*no battery* he's been in an accsident god forbid... in that kind of somber mood the door opens and i try to explain myself to the sweet girl infront of me.. who's the one to tell me he's at Maxim. so here i go in to his room take my shoes off and try to sleep of some of the worry and complete lameness of being me at this time..(i didn't even snooped in his draweres..) with the only hope of getting SOME for all my efforts... if i'm at least shaged well it can erase some of my self hate for letting the royal ass do this to me..

and so i wake up to finding him home and without further adue or any kind of forplay i get my pound of flash, rather good one i must say but not enough to keep me company in my walk of shame.. he then goes off for what seems like an hour to the loo.. my guess hoping i'll go away in the meantime.. but no i'm still there when he gets back...(i must add that the first encounter was way more promising , it was intimate and rough and had a considrable amount of talking shit and laughing all the way through... )
so i was expecting more from his Hignes, and as my ex says: "only pilow covers have expectations.. "
so yeah he gets back, turns to me we, cuddle and he insists that he needs to rest before we go at it again.. i sleep really bad having starngely realistic dreams of being rejected by him in my dream over and over again as through the morning/night he turns further and further away in his "sleep"

after a rude awakning to the sound of the chanel 10 news as a ring tone (...) he talks to someone, signs off and goes back to "sleep" i get really iritated, by now you would think i should have been out the door .. (so did part of me, the tied up to a chair gaged in a dark corner..., runing toxic one liners) , having no balls to tell him whats up i smoke another of the too many cigarrets of the night and give it one more go..(damn my weakness and lack of self asteem) he claims not to trust me after bitting him too hard (wuss) earlier and turns off again.. i have no choice but to recreate my balls out of thin air and tell him to go fuck himself in the nicest manner i know of which is truley lame. i get dressesd tell ing him : "you made it, you are officially a total ass!!" and walk off only to notice i left my glasess and have to come back. i did say it was a shitty day right?

so yeah i love my self to bits now... NOT
wish i could wash away my idiotic self off the plannet and wish i had more balls not to do it to myself again. as i hate myself more then him right now.
so then to the only highlight of this day so far, i go get my piercing replaced to a new cool one, pick up a bunch of flower on my way there for my sweetys whot work at my favorite tattoo place in tlv, and before i leave i get my day made totally, when they say thank you for the flowers that i am the only one who does so, and they really appriciate it!! me leave with a great smile on my face...happy at last..

coming home to have a nasty talk with Mother which just made everything better...
so yeah, wish i could erase most of the last 24hr except the tattoo parlour... so i think i'm going to sign off and go sleep as i am afraid the shit is still chasing me round the house no its mobile phone bill... aint life grand... hope for a better day tomorow.