Monday, December 25, 2006

another movie scenario been flushed down the toilet, after a veryverbal thingy came a very unverbal thingy who was sp much more attractive and ilusive by being all sexy and mystirous but thats over now so i can move on with mylife and plan on having a good time in my last week of being 28..
been coming to all sorts of conclusions about my life and where its going and why i have made the mistakes i've made in my past, this is a time of better understanding of oneslef. in hope this new knoledge will saty with me and help me keep on evolving into something better and healthier.
i am now willing to admmit to wanting realtionships and those only and as long as they are healthy.. i know i have great things awaiting to happen to me as soon as i'll be ready to embrace them whole heartedly, i know i cant rush them just cause i can feel them in my gut that they are going to happen. its fruastrating at times but thats just life.
also having a bit of a crisis with school dont know if i want to go on or not as that is extra fraustrating latley. i'm trying to think it through and make my decicssion based on how i really feel and not based on my ever changing mood.
i am still happy with myself most of the time i know myself better and like myself better and forgive myself when i need to.
in the meantime life goes on and i go with it looking farward to my birthday this saturday hoping it will be at least half the fun if not more the fun as last year..
speaking of which, it seems like so much time has past and so much has happened in this one year, from breaking up with ex to moving in with my mom starting this blog and meeting cheff and breaking up with him, moving out and living on my own.. realizing that i finally enjoy myself in tel aviv and israel in the whole..
i feel more acomplished now than ever...
to this new amazing year coming upon us..
i intend on being good to myself and happy with myself...
as we all should.

Friday, December 08, 2006

it has been a whille

havent got around to find a computer in a long while, alot has happend since it always does.. so it seems.. i wont recount it as its in the past and not that intresting anymore.
i've been doing some writing in my notebook that goes everywhere with me so i wouldnt loose those moments by just not having a pc to go to. i have been talking with myself alot been finding out new-old truths bout myself and who i am. i feel like i'm growing into myself and maturing in to a more productive person for myself i'm driven by diffrent things now than before sometimes i'm saddend by the changes in me as in grieving for my old more insecure self and than at times she rears her head and bites me in the arse.. allways with me.
i realized just last week that i finaly started enjoying myself being in israel. it was quiet astounding to realize it. but its true i am finaly having fun here. i'm by myself and more or less independent i'm working hard at reaching my goals and am also in the middle of some leap of faith and evolving into better awarness of who i am and what i really want from life i'm not shy bout my opinions i stand by them proudly, i am developing my own privet style and loving it, by reviews from around me i'm doing something right and good too..
yeah i am getting there with a spring in my step and a smile on my face.
i allow myself my down time and respect it for what it is. i handle it better just by knowing its part of life and tommorow is a new day and i will feel better in the morning..
i like my self way more now than a year ago and thats for sure..

Sunday, November 12, 2006

here's something i jotted down friday night..

what is it with you guys?
why do you complicatethe simplest things in life?
why can't we trust you to grow up and speak your mind?
what makes it so difficult for you to deal with us that turns growen men in to todllers when the time comes to say it like it is?
why do most of you prefare"fading out" instaed of just saying no?
rejection is allways a posibilitywhen we go after you (waiting for you to grab your balls and go after us is to damn tiering), but we still put ourselves out there and have a go..
why cant you stand up and really be men all the way and say it like it is?
is being an arse prefable to being honest?
do you fear us?
do you find us (me) too intimidating? am i too much for you to handel?
what is so terefying about being honest?
am i the "lone ranger" in beliving that honesty is the best policy?
is there ever going to be a man who can stand up to me and not try to tame me and fit me into his mold (cheff i'm talking bout you!!)?
am i so diffrent to you that facing me is so scary?
or do you dread i'll turn all "fatal attraction" on your arse?
that i'll bite your head off?
where are the men who who could stand their ground and not cower in shame while facing me as i am in all my "awasome power"?
you all come off so sure of yourself and balsy and when i respond to you as i am you go run for cover and fade out leaving behind nothing but a pair of balls hanging in your spot..

my wall of shame is getting crowded damn you weak men..
do you see us as to fragile to withstand rejection? do you hate yourself for not being all that strong like your suppose to be as socsity says you should be?
and still you complain that we play games and that you want things to be straight farwards..
and when your finally face someone who isnt playing games and tells you what they want and how you like it you cant handel it.. it scares you shitless..
why is honesty so over rated? and still everyones voicess their claim to honest no plays deal while lying through their teeth..
honesty is cherished like some old unacchivable virtue.. unacchivable being the main point it seems..

another one bites the dust, another head on the wall.
another expectaion for something more blown on an idiot who cant handle it no matter how much he claims to be after it..
why do you keep lying to yourselves and me, that your diffrent and evolved, when you really are quouting what the magazines say you should..

go back to your safe gray box and dont tease my time..
i still have some faith in your kind but its running out..
dont want to end up like the lonely cat lady at the end of the street who just gave up on humens ever understaning me or feeling like i was born in the wrong fucking era.. way ahead of my time..

Saturday, November 04, 2006

there has to be a better way..

a better way to deal with this. this bullshit.
after i returened the dog yesterday, and noticed that he took the picture i gave him for new year's of the wall replacing it with some other picture and told him i would call later to take the dog for her nightly walk, he said there's no need that he would take her himself, while coocking dinner for more than himself, i went out partying hoping i could find someone something to sink my teeth in just to distract my self from the humilition and to just get my mind of his shit. came back round six in the morning alone and missing the comfort of sharing some affection with anything even the dog would have been something. while still liveing by myself before i met him i had my cat to fondel after a late night.. i just miss that touch of warmth, its harder to handle late at night this loneliness..
so the party was good and i did have fun but still wish i had something to take away just for a moment the hurt and loneliness.
dreamt of him again last night: that in some anoying way i get to see him with his new chikky and she was fat and rather ugly and again we get to a confrontation and again the fraustration of not really being heard by him came up again, the arguments the need to get a say in things and not just have him block me out like he did. oh the joy..
now i'm here at his palce again, have to get some shit off my chest, and in the same hand i keep loading it in cause being here iritates me so. having all this small and petty thoughts of who washed his dishes and who bought the diet yogort in the fridge. its killing me inside and still its like a damn road pile its horrible to look at but you cant stop yourself from doing it.
think i'm going to adaopt the kiosk with internet in the hood as this is painfull as it is.
having to call to take out the dog.. its more for me than the dog damn it i need her time more than she needs to go. having to go through him first is just so annoying. having to almost beg for time with her is like him having power over me still and i so fucking hate it! i need that dog and i know that if i had some distraction from him i could handle his shit better. i am a sad little thing now and i'm pissed off with him and with me for having to go through it like this.
must be a better way of doing this bullshit.
my own place is still a mass and at times i hate coming home to that place as it still doesnt feel like home, it will take time i know. i know all the god damn answers but they really dont do shit for you while feeling like this, knowing its gonna get better is such a lame comfort while your drowning in your own bile even knowing its self fed bile doesnt make it taste any better.

i'm going to take my time of joy with the dog now might just put a smile on my face..

Saturday, October 28, 2006

so yesterday i had to close my post as he came home at the most akward moment, in the middle of a crying fit. he comes over askes me whats up, i say i will be fine and he doesnt bite it so i tell him its all in the letter...
he goes over reads the letter, i'm all nevrves not so sure anymore it was such a good idea that he should read it, and waiting for some response which isnt coming i wait longer before giving up and asking him if he has anything to say about it... (the bomb falls..) he has nothing to say bout it...
all of a sudden i have closeure..
mr sensetivty is all words no action. his way his terms his time or nothing. all this talk of us staying friends is all bull how can you be my friend if you dont care to react to my woes.. how can you think that things are just plain normal cause you said that how they should be?
so now that all is out in the open and i know where i stand (out the door..) i can move on without looking back, and leave the sad basterd to his deamons and illusions of grandure.
i'm having a sick thought of saying thanks for making it so clear for me.. (i wont at least not yet..)
Romil allways said the best revenge is to lead a damn good life whaich is just what i am going to do no regrets no looking back..
wrote a good post yesterday telling all bout how wrathfull i was with him, and due to nasty network problems it went into the dark void of cyberspace.. anyways..
today i am expiriencing the next stage of griving over the end of my realationship with him which is depression and hurt due to noticing that unlike me who's grieving he's out there moving on with his life and dating..
we were somewhat civil to eachother today even with my eyes filling with tears constantly, and with realising that even though i know i am making the right choice by leaving the actual act wasn't mine and so now that i realize it's finality i start my grieving and as i thought i left some kind of mark on his life with the hardship we have had the last two months i thought or wished or expected that he wouldn't be so "eager" to move on and just discard me so quickly. and even with knowing all his faults and knowing i am doing the right thing this ego thing of how easily he has moved on hurts like hell..
him telling me that i made my choices and that he's being all considerate with not bringing his date home as not to hurt me..

again i couldnt tell him how i felt when we tryed talking today after yesterday when i went in to a blazing rage over everything that has happened, so after he crashed on the couch i wrote him a letter that being the only way i have to be heard all the way without argument or distraption, and left it for him on the coffee table to see as soon as he opens his eyes, which didnt happen and after he put it aside before bringing dinner to the table i had to say something to get his attention to it so he would at least know why i'm all pufy eyed and silent, he says " i'll read it when i get back.." and goes off taking food with him somewhere else..
mr. sensetivety strikes back...
abd that like the worst bit i know he's a jerk and i know i'm doing right with me by leaving but my ego is broken right now
feel like a damn 16yr girl all over again with the high school hunk doesnt know i exsist..
part of my lesson i guess as even though in a way i was the one who broke it up i feel like the one left behind, with all my real realtionships till now i was the one who made the cut after realising i wasnt "inlove" or just plain not loving them anymore. feel like i have been dumped.. i can ratanolize everything and i am aware of the stages and that i'm heading for something good and still it doesnt mend a broken ego.. i still care for the jerk and it just eats me up that he's elsewhere doing his thing with others only days after we broke up.
him thinking we could still be friends and that things are almost normal between us excluding the romantic side. it's like he was never there in the first place like he never felt anything, and i'm here feeling like the fool. i know this is only temporary i know i'll get better that its only a matter of time. but i fucking miss him right now.
he just walked in and i feel like an idiot again.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

oh whoop di fucking doo..

this is something i wrote a few days ago after this one wouldn't go online..

i'm having a shity al time and was hoping to bitch and rant on my old blog but the damn computer is against me.. so i'll have to make do with this one..came back from zichron today after fleeing TA on tuesday had to get away was loosing my mind, left my man a 4 page letter and took off. that of course didnt sit to well with him and we had a rough phone talk later that night. we are kinf of not together anymore for all kinds of reasons, and now i'm back "home" as i dont have anywhere else to go just yet. we are going to take a kind of cooling off piriod i'll be home hunting again, for a place of my own again oh fun.. i'm too damn confused now as to know how i really feel, right now all i really want is a big hug and some good crying, cant seem to get those damn tears out, and they are ever present and still not spilling. we hurt eachother in so many ways and i know i feel pretty shitty bout it. i am in such a shitty place with myself now. drowning in shit and cant seem to find my own voice among the screaming voices in my head. i am fighting to find myself and my voice and i know that with him i cant do it now i need to have a place of my own to feel secure in and build myself up from the ruins. almost fucked up a job oppurtunity and just barely maneged to save it. i feel all lost in myself. tyring to direct all that pain into something creative and motiveated. trying to pull through with my teheth and nails. trying not to loose it completely. hoping the new week will help me get some strucher in my life and some forward pulling and hope inertia will help me keep on moving. he's all smashed on the sofa and as much as i have a need to wake him up to hug me and hold me i cant bring myself to do so as i am afraid we lost something along the way and i'm too scared to reach out to him anymore and i am so damn alone now, my closest and dearest are far away and most likely asleep. i want something of my own, that is only mine. trying not to wallow too much in my own sorrows as i am afraid i wont find my way back.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

i hate money and me not being able to hold on to the fucker..

yeah another prety day day in my life.. good news : it rained today.
and thats about all the good news i have..
i dont know how to hold on to money never could.. now the fucker is here to haunt my every move. so yeah shit is still hitting the fan and everyone gets splatterd.. aint life grand.. box of choclates and i just pick the shitty ones up..
dont know what to do anymore. maybe standing on the corner at some dark alley will get me somewhere..
He asked me today what i would have done if he wasnt here to help me out would i still be up to my ears in shit ..
i would be up to my ears in shit and it would have been my shit alright.. bad shit but my shit. probably found some dead end job to break my back on in my freakingly shitty place with my spoiled ass kitty eating leftovers i brought from the garb cans outside with no hope or love but making it happen somehow as there was no other way no dilusions of grandure of fantasy jobs and shops that were never open and that kind of bolocks..
so yeah you could say what is stoping me now? from doing shity jobs and why am i throwing all my shit on him?
probably cause i got a fals sense of safety when he upped my credit with the bank and asked for a credit card only he uses and pays for mostly lets not get too petty he does pay most of it but still i knew how to handle my shity red account with its off balance and overdraft and now with the higher credit line the hole just gets bigger and fucking bigger...
so yeah my life still suck and i try looking for that tiny lil light at the end of my tunneled vision and hope for some grace to land on me.
i am probably looking in the wrong fucking direction just as it lands in my puddle of mud splattreing me with more of my own fucking bile...
tomorow another day and three difrent places to go to looking for work maybe someone will throw me a bone or a stake or something.
guess whats the next chain in the food chain...: self loathing.. obvious right?
arent you proud to be my friend...
i want the damn job and then out..
i'll handel my own shit lamely but it would be well earened self made shit...

Sunday, October 01, 2006

fed up with it all

its been a long while since i last wrote, alot has happened on all fronts, still no luck on the job hunt and it yom kipur now.. so i'm checking my check list see where i am at..
i have a feeling that i'm getting fed up with this chef stuff. too many things iritate me bout it lately, his child like actions his need to be in the center of things knowing everything better then anyone boasting and bulshiting bout shit he's cluless bout, and all sorts of anyoing lil habits that drive me up the wall, i just dont know if its worth it anymore. maybe i'm just edgy as school starts in a lil bit and i have the urge to be left to my own device which right now is imposiable as i cant spport my self.
i was hoping for a quiet yom kipor just the two of us in some hotel somewhere silence all round and no big productions and it didnt happen so we are still here and there is going to be a dinner thingy with pl coming and he already marked some girl as target to be persuied and i just want to throw all my toys out and scream stop..
had a long heavy talk with M and i know more of what i got myself into and where its going wrong, chef and M are on non speaking terms and he thinks she's trying to subvert me to her side sticking wedges as she goes along. it has been stormy for two and a half weeks between us ups and downs on an almost regular basis and it seems to be setlling down but i am still itchy all over. i need to find me a job and reconsider everything again i think i need to detach myself from him a bit even though i'm not sure how much i can with all his envovment in my financess and things with my name on them that he's paying for. its uglier then i am willing to admit and remeniscent of my past life with my dutch EX, right now dear Asprine is cringing in his seat going:OUCH! Damn girl not again!!! i know darling, i'm ouching myself too, this must be worst then your never endind study, heres me doing the same lesson for the third and a half time over again, lets all hope this time i'll get it right..
i say lets meet in a'dam when you finally get back from your travels and celebrate my return to my favorite city..
sounds like fun ha?
i think so too it will keep me warm at night when i sleep on the street and feed on leftovers..
yeah bitch bitchy..
so yeah my exhibition opened last week and except the part where i'm majorly pissed with my teacher for only putting one of my items on display its really beautyfull. ill send you a pic sometime next week (Asprine going: a-ha to himself, that and the rest of them pic's you promised right?) that evening had its own hell intailed.. something bout some guy he introduced to me and then turn around and told me he's bad news after that "bad news" guy took me home from the expo (he lives in the nighbourhood ) and i went up for coffee at his place. yes he flirts with me yes i know he wants to get into my pants, yes i flirt back, yes i find him atractive, no i havent done anything bout it. chef got pisses bout it said the guy was a story teller and it isn't apropiate for me to be seen with him as long as i am with cheff. then had a hard time handling the truth bout me admitting to finding bad news guy attractive even though i have no intentions on folowing through. still was a hail storm to deal with..
on diffrent news his other woman can drive me mad with her lack of sensetivety to the outside world and lack of responsibilty with other ppl's possesions and just a total spoiled brat. cant talk to him bout it as he would say i'm being poisened by M or other imaginary friends and dont want to open it with M as it doesnt help shit.

news flash.. my boss at the shinkin store might have a proposition that can benefit us both, he wants me to make use of the little niche he has behinde the shop as a studio and work there for him and the shop, and have half time there and half time at the shop front. that could be really good for me as its work and getting some more "fly-time" in the studio. i hope we can work something out to benefit us both..

for now chef's "ideas" of buying a house and/or car with my name on it are for now on hold, i hope they stay that way as right now i'm too confused bout "our"future together and those things could get really messy..

school starts in two weeks, hopefully by then there will be a steady job and my own money to claim my indipendence.. and you never know i might just be able to spread my wings and fly out of here again back to where i really want to be which is amsterdam..

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

i have no idea whats wrong with me lately..

i seem to be falling from one storm to another..
the other woman slept with us yesterday, which is ok, i just made it clear that i wasn't intrested in doing anything together as i am not attracted to her one bit. so yeah that went ok, and still i slept bad as she was sleeping next to putting Chef out of my reach, in the morning i found myself inraged by her presence i had to leave, took Cher for a walk and called M to bitch about it.
got home and i was still inrage, so much my hands were shaking..
caught myself and started wondering where it was all coming from? i'm not like that it disturbed me. Chef pulled me in to the room put the cat-o'-nine in my hand, the other woman wanted to feel what it was like... it took alot of self control not to flog her to oblivion.. i maneged to give her a gentel taste and went to the loo, in the mean time Chef and me talked it over i tryed to explain to him that i am not jealous that if i would have met her on diffrent terms we wouldn't go past hello hello, that she has to many ticks that blow my mind but as she is part of his life i tolatrate her as best i can. that i don't understand their realtionship but it's not for me to understand but to except as is.

later in the day with this whight on my shoulders i brain stormed the issue with my self and came to understanding that some of that useless rage wasn't even mine, i was poisend by another and was voicing feeling that weren't all mine. i feel like a total shit about it.
i'll apologise to the other woman tomorrow as i do feel shity about it.

i'll talk to M about it as she is the source of the poisen and it's getting in the way. she can keep it to herself from now on.
told Cheff about it, how i feel and my conclusion my intent to repent and apologise to her, he said he had a feeling bout it but didnt want to say it, i agree i had to come to it by myself,
part of my growth..
lets hope the stormy weather is behind me..
wishing me a sunny weekend.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

i lost my self yesterday.

" i hurt my self today,
to see if i still bleed. "

it's not an excat qute but close enough to how i feel.
after a strange yesterday.

i invited Summer over to our place yesterday and was quite surprised at how easyly she said yes and then came over, even though she only just met Us the other day.
i have to admit she makes me tingle. something about her gets me going. i chose her and told Chef she's my choice. we spoke at homw bout what she does (Jazz singer, up coming show this saturday) how old she was (21(dear me)). what else is she intrested in(cooking especialy deserts..) and bout her goals in life. we offered our selves as assiting bodys, she excepted.
she seems a bit reluctant bout men (no boyfriend at the moment) and scared to admmit shes attracted to women as well. i was sitting behind her while Cheff spoke with her and couldnt take my eyes of her, the line of her neck her young breasts through her top.. madning. never looked at a girl like that.

Chef told me she's mine, to play with, teach and dominate.
he explained to her how things work in the house, she seemed curious and aroused and still afraid. i walked her to a cab and told her she can call me whemn she needs too, and sent her on her way.

now from here things got strange, i came home after walking the dog, and was in a diffrent world, havent even noticed it then, but i want fully there. we talked a bit about her, and watched tv fell asleep infront of it, which was when i became more aware that i want totaly there, it was anoying, but i wasnt able to do much then. everything was just strange in my head.
we went to bed and i couldnt give Chef full heartedly, i was distant and absent minded easyly iratated, and somewhere through there on the verge of falling asleep a though came to me: "i must speak to him in the morning and apologise for not being there"
it was a horrible night for both of us, i was harboring my blenket in my corner not leting him get close to me at all.
woke up all disturbed and frightened, he asked me what was up, all i could say was strange things happened last night. not beeing able to pin point the source, seem to be hiding it from myself and feeling guilty all the same.
i have no idea where i went to. i dont want to go there again.
he asked me why i was grieving on one of the realtionships? if it was this one or another for me
i was shocked. i dont want to end this at all i was having such a great time lately espcially after our down hil things are picking up.. i dont want to end it now over a cute piece of too younge ass..

dont belive i lost my head over her..
i know as he told me that if i'm going to be happier with her i should go for it, that no matter what my happines is most important, that he's allways there for me that i can be sure my place besides him is allways there for me.
and in my head i scream but i dont want this, i like where i am i'm not going anywhere!!

i know shes intrested but denying it, i know she needs guidence, i only want to play around with my new toy.

i'm trying to find a way to let my dominant side show in a healthy way.
in some way i'm scared of it, dont know how to use it proporly yet. iwant to lead her not get carried away, which i am afraid i will. i'm affraid it's going to get complicated. somehow.

i'll figure it out.
will continue later.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

damn it..

Chef is going through something, and he won't talk about it. i know i need to give him time to sort it out with himself, and that he's the only one who can help himself out of it.
i hope that with this Lebnon situaition clming down (i hope) a bit it will get easier, and soon he'll come back to himself.
in the mean time i am feeling really fraustrated, its been more than a week since we last had sex, he spent a few nights on the couch, falling asleep there. so there wasn't much of the morning activitys i got used to, and so its sexual fraustrtion on my part and feeling a bit left out and neglected. i feel stuck as i am in many ways dependent on him being out of work and not having my own place and not much money so it just hightens the whole issue. and so my deamons, are screaming to be heard and i know it's not really proportional to what's actually happning but i still feel like that. i know that it would be easier for me if he wasnt so far away as he is now, that if i could actually sleep with him in the same bed and feel him next to me i would feel more secure about my place. it's hard for me to be strong for him and just be there when he seems to be offering to save every other maden in distress but me, i have no problems with the madens or sharing him as long as i get some on the way too! it's hard for me to except them when i don't feel my needs met. i know it' a faze, i know that when he'll sort his shit out things will get better but in the mean time i feel like this. i try not to be too noticable in feeling so as to not get dragged into an argument. i try to be there for him and support him as much as i can i just need some tender love and care too..

we are suppose to go to the dugeoun tonight and hopefully we will.. maybe a session w'll do me some good, would release some of my deamons through my pain. even though at times i wish it could be only us there, wish we could keep the intimcy of the rack afterwards just for us, i dont like to share him then, i want to enjoy the conection we have alone, have him all proud of me and happy with me alone with out being distracted by another piece of ass or tits..
i dont ask for it as i don't want to come out as possesive.

i know it will all get its proportions soon, that i just need to get this out as to let my deamons be heard so they'll stop chasing and screaming in my head.

and still there are time when i think : why the fuck do i need this for? why can't i just find myself a nice simple guy to sink my teeth in every night? (M will attest it isn't as easy as it sounds.. )
and answer my self in the same time: been there done that seen the movie bought thr t-shirt.. i.e: ex boyfriend..

i need the thrill i need the chalenge. otherwise it's not enough fun for me and i get boerd..
Asprine told me that a long time ago.. i can't deny myself who i am and unlearn what i have learned.. i need to puke my deamons voices out release them, look up and move farwards happy with who i am and proud of myself for not widrawling again in to my shell..
who ever said its going to be easy..?

Bast be with me today, more then everyday..

Monday, July 31, 2006

talanted boy.. this one's for you!!

dearest talanted boy who used to be mine,
who was the first one to succseed where no one has before in making me climax while stoned of my head, who made me climax without even being touched, only be giving him pleasure, who struck gold every time he touched me.
who tolrated all my deamons, with a smile on his face, who held me and comforted me in my sorrows, who introduced me in to his life and his home, who would cuddle me in his sleep,
whose smile shines like the sun and whose eyes have bright stars twinkling in them everytime he smiles, my talanted boy whome i had to let go of and set him free to go after his love and i did so with a brokrn smile sad i couldnt make him as happy as she could.
my talanted boy who is still my hero and shares my piece of land on the moon. who crawlled into my heart and never left it. my talanted boy who took me with him to OZfest and shared his friends with me
whome thanks to him i had a home and a family so far away from my own.
to you my dearest may you never loose your shining aoura and stary eyes.. may you be happy where ever you go and all your adventures.. may we meet again and i could sink my teeth into you again and vice a versa..
i love you still my dearest allways will..
thank you!!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

this is a better version..

אנשים שואלים אותי איך נכנסתי לתחום ה"אפל" הזה של בדס"מ" הם תוהים " איך בחורה אינטלגנטית וחזקה כמוך נותנת למישהו את הרשות לאדם אחר "להשפיל" אותה לקשור אותה לסד, להצליף בה?!
את בטח חולה בראש.. סוטה מסוכנת, עברת התעללות בילדותך, צריך לאשפז אותך ודחוף!!
כל אחת מאותן תגובות שמעתי כבר בעבר, עוד לפני שהבנתי שזו הסצנה "שלי".
אבל אני קצת ממהרת לפואנטה, אני אנסה לתת קצת רקע על עברי כדי שתבינו, אני הייתי שם הרבה לפני! הרבה לפני שידעתי איך לקרוא לתינוק בשמו:

תמיד אהבתי לזעזע אנשים, לגרום להם להבין שלא כולנו אותו הדבר ויש עוד דרכים להסתכל על העולם, בקיבוץ הקטן שלי הייתי מתאמנת בזעזוע על בני הכיתה שלי שמעולם לא ידעו איך לאכול אותי, לחברי הקיבוץ שהיו מסתכלים עלי בעין עקומה...
אז עוד הייתי רגועה יחסית ורוב הפרובוקציות היו בגדר לבוש (לענוד צלבים ענקיים על הצוואר, להרים את המוהיקן וככה ללכת לסעוד בחדר אוכל..) ודרך מחשבה לא מתפשרת שאומרת שאם בני גילי לא ישתפו אותי בגלל שאני חושבת קצת אחרת אז משהו אצלם לא בסדר ולא להיפך, כמו שרבים ניסו לשכנע אותי.
בגיל ההתבגרות גיליתי דרך חוויותי המיניות הראשונות שאני שונה מרוב הבנות שהכרתי באותו זמן.
אם זה בפתיחות שלי להבד העצוםל בין סקס לאהבה ואם בין ראש פתוח ומוכנות לנסות דברים חדשים ושונים. כך גיליתי בגיל 16 שספאנקינג משיכות שיער ושריטות לאורך כל הגב הן פשוט דבר ש"עושה" לי את זה! בעזרתם הנדיבה של שני מתנדבים אנגלים שפיתיתי לחגוג איתי..
.שלא תבינו לא נכון הייה גם סקס ונילי (מה שרוב האנשים עושים כשהם עושים בהנאה רבה או לפחות ככה אני מקווה..) אבל עדיין העדפתי את התרוממות הרוח בסקס "אחר".
כך גם מצאתי את עצמי קשורה למיטתי בגיל 17 עפ"י בקשתי ע"י בחור אוסטרלי מקסים שידע איך לנצל את גופי העקוד למיטה כדי להראות לי בפעם הראשונה איך נראה "המפץ הגדול" זה שמגיע אחרי אותה אורגזמה ראשונית שאחריה רובנו פשוט מעדיפות להתחבק וללכת לישון? זאת!
אחרי אותה אורגזמה ראשונה כשאת לא יכולה להימלט מלשונו הפולשנית שממשיכה להיתחב אל תוכך, שם, שם נמצאים סודות היקום והתהום האפלה של הפחד, זה שעוצר מבעדנו לשחרר ולהרגיש באמת ללא עקבות, להתמסר לתחושה, לסוד האפל שתמיד הסתירו מאתנו, יש כל כך הרבה יותר!!
אותו זיכרון ליווה אותי אל תוך הבגרות המינית שלי, אל תוך ההתנסויות שלי שחלקן היו מוצלחות יותר חלקן פחות. היו רגעי פחד ורגעי אושר עילאי. על הדרך למדתי את החוקים: למדתי איך לנווט את בני זוגי למיטה למקומות שאני רציתי להגיע אליהם, היו כאלו שברחו ממני בפחד והיו כאלו שניסו לרצות את אותה תאווה שלי להיכבש ע"י אותו יצר קדמוני שנמצא אצלנו למטה בפנים.
היו גם כאלו שלימדו אותי דברים נפלאים וחדשים.
תוך כדי מסעותי בעקבות האהבה הגעתי לאמסטרדם שם גיליתי עולם ומלואו של חופש וצעצועים חדשים, הוספתי ל"חטאי" את התשוקה ללייטקס אותו חומר שעוטף אותך בעור שני קרוב וחם שמחרמן אותך בתחושה הקרובה ביותר להתערטלות פומבית מכיוון שהוא עד כדי כך צמוד לעורך ומלטף אותך כמו מאהב רגיש ואוהב. נחשפתי לחנויות לביגוד ואביזרים שפשוט לא ניתן עדיין למצוא בארצנו הקטנה.
היו גם מערכות יחסים וניליות לגמרי שבהן מצאתי סיפוק שונה מאשר במערכות בדס"מיות ועדיין הרצון שאותו גבר- גבר יקח אותי בכוח, שידע לשלוט בי! שיתן לי את האפשרות להתמסר לו בטוטאליות בנתינה מקסימלית, כמו שרק מי שבאמת יודע לקבל יוכל. אני מצאתי לי כזה איש, שראה אותי לראשונה בחיי כמו שאני, עם הרצון העז לפרוש כנפיים ולנסוק אל על.
איש שרואה את הכתר שלי ויודע לתת לי את אותה תחושת בטחון בו, בעצמי במרחב הפרטי שלי -שלו. הוא ראה את הצורך שלי בהתמסרות טוטאלית, הראה לי את הכוח בשחרור.
את גבהים אליהם רק שחרור מוחלט מפחד יכול לקחת. וזו אכן חוויה מפחידה להרפות מכל אותם הרגלים שאספתי בדרך, מכל אותם משקעים שאני ע"י הלקאה עצמית בלתי פוסקת החתמתי בעצמי: אני לא מספיק טובה/יפה/מוצלחת/לא מגיע לי להיות מאושרת..
אמון מוחלט בעצמך ביכולות שלי באותו כתר שיושב לי על הראש מגיע מבפנים עם השחרור מאותו פחד ואז ניתן לי החופש להיות גאה ומאמינה שגם לי מגיע להיות מאושרת ומשוחררת מאותם כבלים ארציים שאיתם כבלתי את נשמתי לאדמה.

וכשאני עומדת שם על קצה התהום והוא מחזיק בידי, אני עושה את הצעד בעצמי מעבר לאותה תהום שאני יצרתי ומגלה עולם חדש ומרגש ולעיתים מפחיד עולם שבו כאב ותענוג צרופים להם יחדיו, שהתעלות הרוח התפתחות רגשית וחופש מוחלט הם הם המטרה.

תוך כדי אותה הכרות אם אותו האיש אשר כשראה שאני מוכנה לצעד הבא, לקח אותי בפעם הראשונה לדאנג'ן אותו מקום מפגש לכל אוהבי הסצנה, מקום שבו נוכל להתפרק בחופשיות ודיסקרטיות מקום בילוי שבו נוכל להיות אמיתיים לרצונות שלנו, לפגוש ולהכיר אנשים "כמונו".
שם נכבלתי לראשונה לסד העץ הגדול ושם בפומביות אל מול כל מבקרי המקום חוויתי את ה"סשן" הכבד הראשון שלי.
הנה אני כבולה בידיי אותן הגשתי לאזיקים ברצון והתרגשות, ורגליי מוצמדות לקיר ומפושקות ביכולת מינימלית לזוז.
ללא אפשרות לראות מאיפה ניחת עלי אותו שוט זנב חתול כולו שחור מעור קלוע. הנה אני שם כבולה, שמלתי מורמת מעל ישבני ח ש ו פה. כולי חסרת אונים מול אדוני ושאר מבקרי המקום.
נותנת לו את עצמי על מגש של כסף מתוך כוח ולא מתוך חולשה.
כולי שם בשבילו שיעשה בי כרצונו. כולי מלאה התרגשות המתערבלת בפחד מן אותו כאב לא ידוע אשר ינחת עלי מידיו של אדוני האהוב.
הנה השוט נוחת עלי בפעם הראשונה: כאב צורב את אחורי, שוב נוחת עלי השוט הפעם על ירכי ואין לאן לברוח אני כולי שם, חשה, לראשונה את אותה התעלות פנימית שבאה משילוב נפלא של כאב צורב והאדרנלין הפועם ברקותי.
השוט ממשיך ללטף את גופי בנשיקות כואבות ומתוקות, אני מתמסרת לתחושה מתמסרת לכאב ולידיעה שאדוני נמצא שם שומר עלי דואג לי, אוהב אותי, מתענג על ההתמסרות שלי אליו.
על הנתינה שלי את עצמי לו. מדי פעם הוא ניגש אלי מוחה את דמעותי, מלטף את פני וצובט את פטמותי ומנשק אותי. דואג לשלומי בודק שאני רוצה להמשיך. אני רוצה עוד! רוצה לראות עד לאן אוכל להגיע. ה"סשן" נמשך השוט מצליף בי ללא רחמים על אחורי וירכי.
אני מרגישה אותו מעביר קוביות קרח על אותם מקומות פצועים מצנן ומרגיע אותם לפני שהשוט ינחת עלי שוב, המוזיקה במקום מעלימה במקצת את זעקותי ונותנת פסקול מדהים לחוויה.
אני מרגישה שעווה חמה מטפטפת עלי, כולי רועדת מעונג ואושר רואה את אלוהים מחייכת אליי לראשונה, מחבקת אותי בהבנה ואושר. אני בשמיים מתערסלת עם הכוכבים.
אני מופתעת מעצמי מתחושת הריחוף שבה אני נמצאת לאחר שאדוני ואחד העבדים משחררים אותי מן הסד, תומכים בי מסתכלים בי בהערצה.
אני לא יודעת כמה זמן הייתי שם קשורה וחשופה, כאובה ומאושרת. אדוני סיפר לי לאחר מכן בהרבה גאווה שהחזקתי מעמד יותר זמן מרוב האנשים שניסו זאת לראשונה!
אני שם ולא שם מרחפת רועדת מאושרת. גאה בעצמי על שנתתי לאדוני סיבה להתגאות בי ה"סאבית" הנפלאה שלו כולה נרגשת ומאושרת!
רואה את הכל בצבעים החדשים שניתנו לה כדי לצבוע את עולמה מחדש בצבעים זוהרים.
מאז אותו הערב אני כבר אישה המודעת לכוחה לעוצמות שלה.
מתחילה להבין כמה יש עוד ללמוד וכמה גבוה עוד ניתן להגיע. הולכת גבוהה זקופה ויציבה.
גאה בעצמי ביכולות שלי, הרבה יותר פתוחה להתנסויות חדשות אשר אכן הגיעו אבל אותן אני אחלוק עמכם בפעם אחרת..


Tuesday, July 18, 2006

exciting news!!

our end of year exhibition is being delayed to the 7th of september where it is going to take place in the diamond museum in Ramat Gan, and there will be a photographed catalogue and and press cover it will be open for at least a month with an option for an extra two weeks and i can hardly breath i am so excited!!!!
Asprine dear wish you could be here for yourself to see it but i'll send you pic's
and izzidore this is your personal invitation and i'll send you one as soon as i get one myself..
i am so happy!!!!!
i know some of you wont be able to read this but i wanted this to be here too and as thoes of you who cant read this know of most of it
this is more for izzidore... i dont have your email so hope you enjoy it.. its a first draft to my latest production with Chef any comenta will be more then welcom i'm waiting..
אנשים שואלים אותי איך נכנסתי לתחום ה"אפל" הזה של בדס"מ" הם תוהים " איך בחורה אינטלגנטית וחזקה כמוך נותנת למשהו את הרשות לאדם אחר "להשפיל" אותה לקשור אותה לסד ולהצליף בה? את בטח חולה בראש.. סוטה מסוכנת., עברה התעללות בילדותה, צריך לאשפז אותך ודחוף!! כל אחת מאותן תגובות שמעתי כבר בעבר, עוד לפני שהבנתי שזו הסצנה "שלי".
אבל אני קצת ממהרת לפואנטה, אני אנסה לתת קצת רקע על עברי כדי להסביר או להראות שאני הייתי שם הרבה לפני שידעתי איך לקרוא ל"סטייה" שלי.

תמיד אהבתי לזעזע אנשים, לגרום להם להבין שלא כולנו אותו הדבר ויש עוד דרכים להסתכל על העולם, בקיבוץ הקטן שלי הייתי מתאמנת בזעזוע על בני כיתתי שמעולם לא ידעו איך לאכול אותי, לחברי הקיבוץ שהיו מסתכלים עלי בעין עקומה... אז עוד הייתי רגועה יחסית ורוב הפרובוקציות היו בגדר לבוש ודרך מחשבה לא מתפשרת. בגיל ההתבגרות גיליתי דרך חוויותי המיניות הראשונות שאני שונה מרוב הבנות שהכרתי באותו זמן, אם זה בפתיחות שלי לרעיון של ההפרדה בין סקס לאהבה ואם בין ראש פתוח בהרבה ומוכנות לנסות דברים חדשים ושונים. כך גיליתי שספאנקינג משיכות שיער ושריטות לאורך כל הגב הן פשוט דבר ש"עושה" לי את זה! את זה גיליתי בגיל 16 בעזרתם הנדיבה של שני מתנדבים אנגלים שפיתיתי לחגוג איתי. שלא תבינו לא נכון הייה גם סקס ונילי (מה שרוב האנשים עושים כשהם עושים) אבל עדיין העדפתי את התרוממות הרוח בסקס "אחר". כך גם מצאתי את עצמי קשורה למיטתי בגיל 17 עפ"י בקשתי עם בחור אוסטרלי מקסים שידע איך לנצל את גופי העקוד למיטה ולהראות לי בפעם הראשונה איך נראה "המפץ הגדול" שמגיע אחרי אותה אורגזמה ראשונית שאחריה רובנו פשוט מעדיפות להתחבק וללכת לישון. אחרי אותה אורגזמה ראשונה כשאת לא יכולה להימלט מלשונו הפולשנית נמצאים סודות היקום והתהום האפלה של הפחד שלנו לשחרר באמת ופשוט להתמסר לתחושה, לסוד האפל שיש כל כך הרבה יותר ממה שחשבנו/רצינו להאמין. אותו זיכרון ליווה אותי אל תוך הבגרות המינית שלי, אל תוך ההתנסויות שלי שחלקן היו מוצלחות יותר חלקן פחות. היו רגעי פחד ורגעי אושר עילאי. על הדרך למדתי את החוקים. למדתי איך לנווט את בני זוגי למיטה למקומות שאני רציתי להגיע אליהם והיו כאלו שברחו ממני בפחד היו כאלו שניסו לרצות את אותה תאווה שלי להיכבש ע"י אותו יצר קדמוני שנמצא אצלנו למטה בפנים, היו גם כאלו שלימדו אותי דברים נפלאים וחדשים. אני בתור תלמידה טובה אספתי לי קומץ אנשים שידעו שמתחת לאותו פאסון קשוח יש נפש שברירית שמחפשת יד מנחה וחום.
תוך כדי מסעותי בעקבות האהבה הגעתי לאמסטרדם שם גיליתי עולם ומלואו של חופש וצעצועים חדשים, הוספתי ל"חטאי" את התשוקה ללייטקס אותו חומר שעוטף אותך בעור שני קרוב וחם שמחרמן אותך בתחושה הקרובה ביותר להתערטלות פומבית מכיוון שהוא עד כדי כך צמוד לעורך מלטף אותך כמו מאהב רגיש ואוהב. נחשפתי לחנויות לביגוד ואביזרים שפשוט לא ניתן למצוא בארצנו הקטנה. היו גם מערכות יחסים וניליות לגמרי שבהן מצאתי סיפוק שונה מאשר במערכות בדס"מיות ועדיין הרצון שאותו גבר- גבר יקח אותי בכוח שידע לשלוט בי שיתן לי את האפשרות להתמסר לו בטוטאליות! אני מצאתי לי כזה איש, שראה אותי לראשונה בחיי כמו שאני עם הרצון העז לפרוש כנפיים ולנסוק אל על, איש שרואה את הכתר שלי ויודע לתת לי את אותה תחושת בטחון בו, בעצמי במרחב הפרטי שלי -שלו. הוא ראה את הצורך שלי בהתמסרות טוטאלית, הראה לי את הכוח בשחרור. את גבהים אליהם רק שחרור מוחלט מפחד יכול לקחת. אכן חוויה מפחידה להרפות מכל אותם הרגלים שאספנו בדרך מכל אותם משקעים שהחיים הותירו בנו, אמון מוחלט בעצמך ביכולות שלך באותו כתר שיושב לך על הראש ולהיות גאה ומאמינה שגם לך מגיע להיות מאושרת ומשוחררת מאותם כבלים ארציים שכובלים את נשמתך לאדמה.
וכשאני עומדת שם על קצה התהום והוא מחזיק בידי אני עושה את הצעד בעצמי מעבר לאותה תהום שאני יצרתי לעצמי ומגלה עולם חדש ומרגש ולעיתים מפחיד עולם שבו כאב ותענוג צרופים להם יחדיו, שהתעלות הרוח והתפתחות רגשית הם הם המטרה.
תוך כדי אותה הכרות אם אותו האיש אשר כשראה שאני מוכנה לצעד הבא, לקח אותי בפעם הראשונה לדאנג'ן אותו מקום מפגש לכל חובבי הסצנה מקום שבו נוכל להתפרק בחופשיות ודיסקרטיות מקום בילוי שבו נוכל להיות אמיתיים לרצונות שלנו, לפגוש ולהכיר אנשים "כמונו". שם נכבלתי לראשונה לסד העץ הגדול ושם בפומביות אל מול כל מבקרי המקום חוויתי את ה"סשן" הכבד הראשון שלי. הנה אני כבולה בידיי אותן הגשתי לאזיקים ברצון והתרגשות, וברגליי צמודה ומפושקת לקיר ביכולת מינימלית לזוז, ללא אפשרות לראות מאיפה ניחת עלי אותו שוט זנב חתול כולו מעור שחור קלוע. הנה אני שם חשופה, שמלתי מורמת מעל ישבני ח ש ו פה. כולי חסרת אונים מול אדוני ושאר מבקרי המקום, נותנת לו את עצמי על מגש של כסף מתוך כוח ולא מתוך חולשה. כולי שם בשבילו שיעשה בי כרצונו. כולי מלאה התרגשות המתערבלת הפחד מן אותו כאב לא ידוע אשר ינחת עלי מידיו של אדוני האהוב. הנה השוט נוחת עלי בפעם הראשונה כאב צורב את אחורי ושוב נוחת עלי השוט הפעם על ירכי ואין לאן לברוח אני כולי שם חשה לראשונה את אותה התעלות פנימית שבאה משילוב נפלא של כאב צורב ואדרנלין הפועם ברקותי. השוט ממשיך ללטף את גופי בנשיקות כואבות ומתוקות, אני מתמסרת לתחושה מתמסרת לכאב לידיעה שאדוני נמצא שם שומר עלי דואג לי ואוהב אותי מתענג על ההתמסרות שלי אליו על הנתינה שלי את עצמי לו. מדי פעם הוא ניגש אלי מוחה את דמעותי מלטף את פני צובט את פטמותי מנשק אותי. דואג לשלומי בודק שאני רוצה להמשיך. אני רוצה עוד! רוצה לראות עד לאן אוכל להגיע. ה"סשן" נמשך השוט מצליף בי ללא רחמים על אחורי וירכי. אני מרגישה אותו מעביר קוביות קרח על אותם מקומות פצועים מצנן ומרגיע אותם לפני שהשוט ינחת עלי שוב, המוזיקה במקום מעלימה במקצת את זעקותי ונותנת פסקול מדהים לחוויה. אני מרגישה שעווה חמה מטפטפת עלי כולי רועדת מעונג ואושר רואה את אלוהים מחייכת אליי לראשונה מחבקת אותי בהבנה ואושר. אני בשמיים מתערסלת עם הכוכבים.
אני לא יודעת כמה זמן הייתי שם קשורה חשופה כאובה מאושרת. אדוני סיפר לי לאחר מכן בהרבה גאווה שהחזקתי מעמד יותר מרוב האנשים שניסו זאת לראשונה, אני מופתעת מעצמי מתחושת הריחוף שבה אני נמצאת לאחר שאדוני ואחד העבדים משחררים אותי מן הסד, תומכים בי מסתכלים בי בהערצה. אני שם ולא שם מרחפת רועדת מאושרת. גאה בעצמי על שנתתי לאדוני סיבה להתגאות בי ה"סאבית" הנפלאה שלו כולה נרגשת ומאושרת חייה ורואה את הכל בצבעים חדשים שניתנו לה כדי לצבוע את עולמה מחדש בצבעים זוהרים.

מאז אותו הערב אני כבר אישה המודעת לכוחה לעוצמות שלה מתחילה להבין עוד כמה יש עוד ללמוד וכמה גבוה עוד ניתן להגיע. הולכת זקופה וגאה בעצמי ביכולות שלי הרבה יותר פתוחה להתנסויות חדשות אשר אכן הגיעו אבל אותן אני אחלוק עמכם בפעם אחרת..


Thursday, July 13, 2006

this is an email i sent to a new friend thought it would br relavent so here it is

it wasnt much your hebrew as the typ'Os but hey i want jugde..
how i got into BDSM? well i think i always had the inkling but didnt know how to call it, i always enjoyed provocking ppl around me, i was known for the more important part of my life to go by the nic :kinky.. i explored that side i enjoyed rougher sex spanking hair pulling scratching reciving and giving i find the markings to be arousing but i never knew i would enjoy it as much as i do now.. since i met D with His very dominant persona and His recognising the Sub in me he introduced me into the more painfull(in a good way only in a good way!!) side of it, it started with rougher sex than i was used to. it brought all kinds of hidden deamons up to the surface which were dealt with the most tender loving caring way anyone has ever treated them and so i have dealt with them better since than i have excepted them for what they are: a part of me and now they dont haunt me as they have b4. from there the games got more MORE.. the whip came out the discplain the obidiance which came naturly to me it felt libarating to just let go and do as i am told i trust Him completely he knows my bounderis before i know them and every time slowly but surely takes them further.. He mentioned going to the doungeon ever since i met Him but with held that placefrom til he felt i was ready, we went there about three weeks ago and i had no idea what was going to happen there, but when IT happened i just went along with it and surprised my self with how much i enjoyed being straped to the wall and floged... when the ppl of the place watching the whole session.. i must say it was an amazing feeling took me a few days to wipe the smile from myself i loved the marks that were left on my ass and thigh all purple and red wish they could stay longer.. they fade out too quickly.. in our day to day life the Dom -Sub realtionship is subtle i enjoy serving Him where ever he asks or hints to. as He takes care of me in more ways than anybody ever has and makes sure of my well being in more ways than i could wish for. He chalnges me in so many ways i am a better person to myself and those around me thanks to His guidance and support.i realized i have wings and that they always been there, the wings i always longed for are there and glorios and He keeps reminding me its all me He is just there to hold my hand as i stepp over the abyss..
i love Him but am not inlove with Him which allows me to enjoy Him with other women till noe none have been into this scene but i know we shall find me a Sub to play with as i too have the need to Dominate and as He wont let Himslf be Dominated by another and as i dont wish to Dominate Him i know the right person will find thier way to us.. since i met Him i have explored my sexualty and enjoy sharin woman with Him giving and reciving pleasure to and from them.
responde and i will continue..

Saturday, July 01, 2006

school's out for summer....

yeah its over school is over for summer...
not sure what to do with the time i have now.. presentations went really well!! the end of year exhibition is on the 24-07-06 and whoever is reading this and can make it is wellcome (especially you izzidore..)!!

on other matters i discoverd my wings.. and realized they have always been there i was just to afraid to deserve them but they at=re very much there and i am flaunting them where ever i go with a big genuine smile on my face..
it is so much fun being me now!! i realize how much i have grown since my introduction into Chefs privet autonomie.. i have so many more tools and insparation i am blooming into myself i am realising that now is all that matters that this big thing i knew was awaiting me "after" chef is already happaning i surprise myself by not flinching or feeling threatened by situations that earlier just thinking bout them made my stumeack cramp.. i sometimes still have the expectaition to flinch when faced with such a situation and its not there.. i feel secure and know my place in the house is safe no matter who is in bed with us. very liberating i must say.. i am at peace with myself, and life is good to and i am good to life! i enjoy talking to other ppl about where i am with the knoledge that even if they are still too frightened to take that leap of faith hearing that its posiable can give them hope..
i look back at things i wrote a few months ago like the "safe grey box ppl" and its amazing for me to see that i always had all the answers but was too busy preaching them then actually taking notice in how relavent tey are to me, and who i am. i am so much more freeier now then i was before and ish a "Cheff expiriance " to every women and men i know who struggle with them selvs and thier sexuality.. it is a scary step but it is so satisfying to know that you are so much more then you allow yourself to be too afraid to be yourself as what would ppl say and why would you deserve to be happy? i wear my crown proudly and walk tall taller then i have ever did and i know that my evolution is far from over there is so much more to learn and expiriance... its really exciting!!

my tattoo is taking form as a symbole of this change: an image of me as a strong femnine woman who doesn't need any masks to hide behind a proud human with glorios shining wings... me!!

Bast and me are better friend now i dont feel the need to hide behind her any more we are walking together as equeals...
i thank Her still

Thursday, June 01, 2006


yeah took me sometime to get back to this post, in the mean time so much has happened...
but its still related to this so i'll try to pick up where i have left of ane fill in in all the gaps..
since then i have had a more real threesome with Chef and another gal it was quite amazing.. but i shold start before that, last weekend was just so i dont have the words for it so much has happened in those 72 hours with very little sleep.. we went to the Dungean and i was tied up to a wall and got whipped for the first time, now dont freak out in me i loved it and did it willingly the rush is amazing talking bout mental orgazem... my thigh only now starts to look more yellow then purple... then the next night we shared a lovly girl between us ....
i surprise myself with being so willing to try all this new things probably cause i always wanted to try but had no one to "show me the ropes" pun very much intended ;) this whole expirience has awarded me new respect at home and new pride in myself.. i handel all theses fears i thought i would have with out any effort.. guess somewhere i knew that too..

amonge other things that have happened, i was offerd a promotion at work and thought to except it at first but am having second thoughts now and i think i'll decline it its going to be too much of a hassele in my eyes.. too much of a headache for not enough money.. so thats going to be one fun phone call tomorow to my boss..
besides that there is my issue with Princess which i now was realy egoeisticly of me kept deprived of attantion and care by me as i am hardly home and when i do get thre its only to sleep for a few hours and i feel really guilty about it by now its really a misrable life for hre and for me to insist on keeping her there is so unfair, with work and school and my life in the middle shes the one suffering.. as much as i hate saying this i'll have to find her a new home.. maybe EX would be willing to take her to his new place, he already knows all her tricks and he loves her almost as much as i do, so it must be for the best intrest of hers... i hate myself for being such a horriable mom to her and i will miss her teriblly but i know its for the best so it must be done..
school is almost over and i belive i will manage to finish most of my projects in time and am really excited/nervouse bout it..
working for my teacher is fun its also good talking to her bout all thats going on in school and the class and the future.. i like it..
i hope to start working on my tattoo in july, truely excited bout it hope i'll have the money to start working on it soon.
Cheff asked me to move in again i feel better bout it now.. guess that as soon as i find a solution for my dearest Princess i'll be able to think it more siriusly.. we shall see what happens..

Bast bless my soul.
had some realy good morning activitys with Chef this morning... ;)) it seem to be our time lately, was royaly late for work last saturday but it was worth it.. sex with him is difrent he intrudueces new fun and games into it sometimes its scary other times it ohhh yeah babe... but i always enjoy it finally have some one to show me some other sides to the usale thing, and i learn fast. anyways its the last month of school and the race is on to finish all my half done projects and new ones i just started in the hope to finish it all on time and not die trying.. from lack of sleep and starvation... but i love it. i got my self a job working for my dearest design teacher, helping her put together a home sale in a bout 5 weeks so its some extra money on the side and some work expiriance..hope it would go well i'm looking farwards to it..

i think ihave less issues with my self toward this sharing Chef thing after having a small adventure sharing him with another girl,was realy exciting i must say.

Friday, May 12, 2006

well well... so many things happened since i last posted...
that other day after my last post Chef offered me to move in with him, he asked me if it would bother me to see him with other women if i was living with him as a roomie, asked me to think bout it, i have been for a while(think bout it that is) havent given him an answer yet, i like the idea of living with him but i am not sure if its such a good idea as i dont know how i'd react to seeing him with others as till now i just avoided thinking bout it and as i know he does have other women in his life just that as long as it wasnt infront of me i could deal with it just fine, besides there is the wholw deal with my Princess and his dog which i'm not too sure would be that great, i mean i know that they could learn to play nice but i fear the havock they are going to create in the process, besides i dont want to lose my own place and be dependent on him especially if things go wrong and i get hurt on the way dont think i'd want to be here and have nowhere to go if i see that i cant handle it. i think there is a greater risk of getting in over my head as there is a great risk of me getting hurt, so far i know i am involved with Chef but i'm not in-love with him which is a good thing in my books as i know i would be hurt if i was. i need to know i have a place of my own to go too if things get too much on me i need a place of my own to be alone with myself, i need to feel and be independent in my own right. i need this for myself. and still i feel flattered that he offered me the place by his side and havebt offered that same place to his other Alfa female.. i'm still debating with myself on the matter i can see the good points and the bad ones and still not sure what to do, dont know if my feelings towards him might change if i'll live under his roof, at the moment i do spent alot of my free time with him but as i dont have that much free time with work and school which is going to be over soonif it might change things for me in way of maybe falling for him which i think is going to jeprodise this comfortable feeling and my hopes for my future i know he can help me go further and i also know that he is a lesson in life that is preparing me for somthing greater in my future some amazing and intense thing i can only glimps at now but know for sure that is waiting for me to be ready for.. i know where i want to be later in life and i know i can do it i know that i will do my all to make my dream come true and that in 3-5 years i wont be here anymore but somewhere in europe building my dream and making it into a reality.

enough bla for now, i've been to a job interview last night and hopefully i'll change jobs soon, and work in the nighborhood, it would do me good i know getting to know the people here better and and getting my self knowen for what i am and who i am and what i do, make new friends and not be so dependent on Chef for comfort, it might help that other fron i'm dealing with.
sat with Simpson yestreday and made my first draft for a buissnes card which was awasome, still needs some fine tuening but seing it take shape was good for me as i can see my future taking a more tangiable shape. this is all for now, i'll come back with more news as they come.

thank Bastt for small mercys..

Saturday, May 06, 2006

coments on my last post and more..

read my last post after a while and it sounds realy lame, i dont think i'm in that place anymore, ithink i understand better now then i did then how i feel bout it all and i dont have the same wishfull thinking i did before, i feel better about my realationship with Chef and what is on offer i dont wish for more exclusivityas i did then as i realised i'll be banging my head against a brick wall and might even ruin a perfectly working realtion.. he is what he is and i know that as long as i dont fall for him i'll be fine with it, it hasnt happened yet which is a good thing as i know myself well enough by now to know that the first month is usalythe time it takes me and i'm not i am though really enjoying myself with him he is alot of fun to be with i am dealing well with the other woman in his life and we are kind of friends in some way.. i try not to jam sticks in my own wheels as there is no point in it i enjoy what i have with him as it is and i dont try to change him, i give him his space and enjoy our time together out sex life is introducing me to new ideas and new frontiers and those are always wellcome, i learn with him new things that i had no one before to teach me and in a wayi think the our sexual personalties are part of the reason i can handel these new ideas of no exclusivity better i belive him to be a lesson to preperme for something greater than i had before may it be love or other succsess that are still ahead of me. i belive that i am now beging to sprout my first feathers on my way to build my ever so colorfull wings i know that he would be there for me when i need him most as i wuld be there for him i see myself evolve and progress since i met him and try and avoid the little voicein my head that trys tocomlicate things by regressing to the things he knows and is more comfortable with cause it just doesnt know anybetter, and is afraid of change i trust Chef to know how far to go with me and when he can push me further even though sometimes it scares me to go to those places i've never been too before as i know i can always ask and talkabout the things that scare me and use them to move further and be even stronger then i was before, i am feeling better bout myslef now then i ever did before. one of the better things with im is he always makes me feel safe with him, i can always come to him with any truble or issue and we could talk it over and i'll feel better afterwards..

and now to other news of my life... school is going realy good had somehard time after the holidays in finding my way back to working on all my projects but i found my thread of creation and its going very well.. i've set my self some goals as to what i want done with the rest of the year. first of all is to finish school with out having to much hate going on between me and my design teacher, then there is the goal of starting my new tattoo this summer hopfully through july and then come october i want to be in amsterdam for my darling Elvie is going to make me an auntie...!!!! so i promised her i'll be there to get drunk with her like old times at the cave drinking bosswandlings...
my job sucks still but might change soon as this morning i met i girl coustumer from work at her work which is just next door to home and they are looking for ppl.. so shes going to put in a good word for me and i might be changing jobs againwhich would be a blast as i treid nailing that job in the past but was turned down by someone i know here is not in the know anymore so there is hope for something better just next to my place so yey me!!!
thats all for now, i'll try to keep updating as things move along without such long breaks in between...
may Bastt keep me safe and happy and keep on smiling at me as she has lately..

Monday, April 17, 2006

been a while...

yeah i've been away for a while..
been bussy with work and with my new place which does'nt have internet.. so whats been up since then? well alot actually... Princss moved to my place, and is doing well there.. me and Chef are sill seeing each other, another reason why u have'nt been around online.. its going good and i am really enjoying being with him, its chalanging at times but the dialoge with my deamones is still on and i am learning to except whats on offer the good with the bitts i havent yet fully hoped for but as it was all up front on the table, it is my choice if to stick around with it or not. and at the moment i still think its worth it even though at times its a bit more then i thought i'd bargaine for. it's the issue of exclussivety which is something i at time find hard to except. but it was never offerd so i have no claim to it..
deep dwon i do wish he would offer me that exclussivety but he isnt he never witheld it from me so time will tell, at times i find it really hard to handle but its doing me so much good to be with him that i will see what happens.
its his birthday this coming friday and i am proud to say that i think i found him the perfect gift in my small budget. i got him a really nice Rittzenhoff glass ashtray... it wasnt cheap and i think he would know to appriciat it... dont know what are the plans for his birthday but i hope it would'nt be too stressfull on my heart, its hard for me to share my man with another but as he is not mine i have too.. i hope to learn to manage and evolve with time and maybe even learn how to enjoy it even more, the idea is arousing in many ways and still i fear those moments of sharing bed with my alfa male with another female...time will tell...
i thought about this quit alot and i do belive Bastt sent him to me with alot of purposs as he is in many way what i asked for and you always need to remember the consequnsess of your wishes and that nothisg is as simple or easy as it seems like in your fantasys.. but it does teach you alot about your self and builds character... i know i can only grow from this and that if i'll open my self to th ideas of chang i will surprise my self with where i can go and what i can do.

Thank you Basst for sending me this amazing man with all the deamons have to say bout it.. i truley thank you!

Sunday, April 09, 2006

new week, havent been home for almost a week also only slept in my place for the first time yesterday..
been good been rough been educational.
starting a new week of night shifts at work and taking my princess home with me today. hopefully she'll learn to forgive me with time for all this moving around. at least now i know she'll see more of me.
i hope to find a solution for having no internet at my place, maybe i could use Chefs..
anyways.. not much new has happened that i'm willing to talk bout as for now.

thank Bast for everything, the good the bad and all that is in between..

Sunday, April 02, 2006

came back from my weekend with Chef.

new updates of my advantures over the long weekend spent mostly with Chef.
came over to his place thursdy night, we went to bed and just slept together which was alot of fun as i cant remember the last time i've done that. went to work in the morning for the last time at that place, after work mom joined me we went to have lunch and afterwards i called Chef who invited me over to see who he rearanged his whole place. so sent mom home and went over to Chef's place. had dinner with him at his sisters place no stress at all at meeting some of the close family at all (NOT) but i handeled it well aperantly got home after picking up some stuff at my place, thought we might be going out. then later we went out came home after i've been strugling all through the evening with my doubts and my wants and resisting from all the wrong reasons, so when we finaly got to bed realy late at night had to fight with some of my deamons again bursting into tear and getting all emotinal in bed from all kind of reasons not thinking i can handel him and what he asks of me in bed and out of it, bit of a rough night emotinaly. i knew i angerd him but wasnt sure how to word my regret and sort out the misunderstanding that caused it. we talked in bed later that day and worked things out, i understand him better now i enjoy his unbelivable sex apeal that i have never met befoe a man wo was so comfortable with himself and his sexuality that his true to himself in the most honest way ther can be. a real Alfa Male. a bit scary at first to be around but a complete turn on to be around, he pulls the primal thing out of me the conection is so difrent, the way your body reacts to this being next to you, it makes you react to things in ways you didnt realise you can.
i know this all sounds realy weird but i am excepting the change and embracing this primal attraction and with a big smile on my face.. good things will come out of it they are already here.
i know that if i would have met him a few years back i'd run awat screaming, there was a part of me that wanted to that still, but i think for the first time in a long while there are actuall debates btween the voices in my head thet are actually talking to each other not always agreeing but they are talking and that is way more than useal..

never got around to pack my stuff, or move them on the weekend like i planed and i havent seen my princess in a few days but she has adopted Mother as a serogat mother for now. i hope to move her on thursdy.
i need to go get my cute butt to tel aviv.
may Bastt bless us all!
thank Bastt for the courage and strength to deal with my deamons

Thursday, March 30, 2006

signed my contract today...

so yeah signed my new contract today..
it almost fell through but we worked it out at the end.. so now i'm a proud renter of a place in florentine!!! should be meeting up with Chef tonight, yesterday didnt work out, he was busy til real late, called to apologise and said he would come pick me up later, then he was done a bit later then i hoped and was already asleep, so tonight later. its fun to think that i have key to my own place, i can go to even tough right now its empty and has nothing of mine to distinguish it from the rest of any other rentel place in tel aviv. soon it would have charcter and style minimal but there. new job starting sunday and and tomorow is my last day in my other job!! yey me!! i'm hoping simpson could help memove some stuff to on saturday including my dear Princess, hope she would get used to it soon enough..
not that she really has a choice.
now its just passing the time till something happens, like my phone ringing or something of the sort.. i realy do hate doing that, but i'll manage i'll sort out some stuff, wish it to take longer than it would and then see that not that much time passed yet and somewhere along the way i'll lose my paitnce and do something like go to tel aviv and tell myself i could wait in my place for my phone to ring as its better then waiting at home or something silly like that..
hate waiting for ppl to call or for things to happen, have no tolorance for sitting around and waiting for things to happen i rather create them myself.. at least then they happen, not always on the best of sides but at least i'm not stagnant or stuck depended on other ppls actions while waiting for them to realise that this is the most important thing ever and they are blind not to see it.. yeah total lack of proportions to go with it..

may Bastt bless my minimal tolarance feeling stuck with some understanding and proportions..

Wednesday, March 29, 2006


first of all i found a place, signing the contract tomorow.. its for real this time!!
small place by myself, not too expensive, has the bare nessecitys of a closet, a fridge a sofa bed, and just bout enough space to place me and Princess and my work bench. the land lord is cool and flexeable very helpfull too. the building is super cool with an intercom system and a beautyfull entrance. so i'm a happy cat! :))
hopeing to hear from Chef tonight as i hope we could meet and talk, i want to get this stuff off my chest i think i figured out some of my internal struggels. there is the part which is all bout sex hard and agresive, and the other which is the little girl who only wants to be held and comforted.. so she tends to wake up somewhere when the sex gets rough and start screaming.. so yeah its oh-so-fun being me...
but i have faith in Chef to understand and hopefully have faith in me to figure it out and still be around, i think we could be really good friends above all else the rest will be browny points...
so now i'm trying to figure out when and how to move my stuff and Princess over to the new place,..
maybe Ex could help me out with moving the things i need including Princess..i'll have to ask him and see if he's available, no game and all. means i dont have to worry too much bout how i get home on sunday night after work and all.. as i'll already have a place in tel aviv..
i'm happy bout it it feels good to know the search is over and that i got just bout what i wanted..
very minimal but for that price its fine.. anyway i dont think i'll be hosting people there anyway..
i'll have to figure out some more shelvings but the landlord is really cool i'm sure he could help me out with it.. now i'm all excited bout this whole move thing and am busy figuring out where to put what and what to do with this and that..
its going to be realy cool living in tel aviv!!
Bastt be blessed and shed some more magic in my life..
new nighbourhood new job a new friend.. what a way to start a better life..

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

called a guy bout a place and came out with a date with a Chef.. besides his place i saw another place in florentine close by his place that i really want should know more later today..
bout the Chef, i stayed the night which was rather terbulant night emotinaly for me, but i think we could be good friends, so we shall see where the wind blows, what he offers scares me, and its all good things on offer but i dont think i'm quit ready for them yet, somehow i think hes going to understand..
i'll call him tonight and we'll talk and see where it would take us..
got a wrong number call this morning and it was funny i think i'm going to hear from that guy again too..
Darling turened out to be all talk and no play, he probably hid his balls somewhere and now he cant find them anymore..
EX sent me mail with a writen apologie for all the latest news of his blog and how pathetic he has been, something friendly might still come out of it, you never least he reconected with this world again.
Izidor and me are supposedly going to drink together thursday, and if your reading this be reminded..;) hopefully by tonight i'll have some more news hopefully bout that place i want.
till then may Bastt send me the strength to pull of this day with a smile on my face..

Friday, March 24, 2006

*had a cool drive home with a cool taxi driver he played Skunk Anannsi for me..

*been to a wedding party of sorts, was fun..

spoke to EX today havent told him nothing bout the blog, going to see him tomorow he's bringing P.Princess her crystals. must admit to going in there again and he knows i know or guesses as much.. so tough for him..
anyway i have second thoughts about that place i thought i found so i'm looking again.. hopefully this week something good will happen..
still got home work to be done but i think tomorow is a better day for home work. think i might get in bed soon with my new book which i cant seem to get enough of..

*the next day...*

i slept for hours, made up for all those lost hours spent in franzyed insperations.. soon i'll be bussy with home work and orgenizing shit around the house, shower and then hopefully i'll go check this place in florentine it might be good. spoke to Simpson he's "wife" is away so he's home alone with a friend, i might drop by there for a visit and maybe just maybe Darling will give me a call and i'll meet him too...
had one of those dreams last night, woke up hornier then ever.. sent Darling an explicit sms maybe he'll pick up on it and we shall get something going..

hopefully the last time i mention this.. after EX is coming over today with stuff for Princess and gives me money for her overly expensive food i'm going to go silent, i dont buy all this "i'm so misraeble with out you" bullshit anymore, i thought we could be friends before the time and i learned my lesson so i'll live him to his "misery" and manage my self and the needs of my gorgeous Princess by myself as i'll be making more money soon as it is..
and he can wallow in his self pity and idiocy of leting me see his blog..
ok thats it i'm done talking bout him..

so yeah home work.. i better get started if i want to do all this other stuff i have planed for today..
May Bastt bless my advantures and my aspiration for a place of my own..

Thursday, March 23, 2006

found a place and more then what i bargained for 2

found a place!!!!!!! got me a place really excited bout it!!

but, i also found EX's blog... he has it attached to his mails and i was giving him some advise on a tattoo and got more for my money than i wanted.. it was like looking at a car accident.. you cant keep stop looking... hes getting more sex then me damn him so the whole thing was rather disgusting...i dont feel jealuos or anything like that it was just too much info.. yuck..

back to my place... i found the coolest place ever.
damn my discovery i need to go smoke, will tell more excitedly soon.. must get the bad taste out of my mouth.

Bastt save me from discoverys..

p.s. spoke to big cheese from AMPM hopefully i'll hear from them soon so i could change jobs..
Bastt save me this weekend.
i need it!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

lost my post..

white nights, had two in a row now, last night insparation came by my door at half two in the least something good came out of it.
still no luck on the house front but i'm gearing up for full force and i'll find that speciall place thats been alluding me for the last two months.
part of yesterday's inspireing white night i have done so utterly stupid today i'm thoroghly pissed with myself especially as i have no clue how h fuck i did it.. tryed printing out my shorter men gray boxess post and somehow managed to erase half of the damn post...argh...
wrote the site an email trying to find a way to retrive the damn thing and finally did the smart thing of directing all posts to be mailed to my email after publishing...
so if anyone reading this has by any starnge reason has saved the first full version of that post PLEASE contact me on the coment pageas i dearly loved that post and really want it back...
May Bastt bless this request and return my lost post to me!!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

tail of a homeless cat...

seen a place yesterday spoke to the guy on the phone, waited for him, when he finalyy showed up.. guess who it was? (Bastt taking the piss again..) the guy i dropped my number in his biker jacket a month ago in the tattoo place... yeah the joy of a small world... yeah so that was fun..
anyway so i considered that place for some wrong reasons for half a day and then soberd up and gave it up..
saw another 4 placess today, one of them might actually be good for me i just hope they liked me too.. and another one to see tomorow that sounds good even though its a touch expensive.. but i need to see what i get for it.. anyways..

so yeah no news from Toy Boy, well it was good while it lasted..
got to go back to work tomorow, damn it had fun not seeing that place for three days..

well i'm boring myself so good night wish me luck on my house hunt.. i might get lucky along the way.. ;)
may Bastt send me a bone(r) soon...

Saturday, March 18, 2006

same shit diferent weekend..

i recived some poetry from EX tofday, kind of embarecing to read.. its so unlike him, and i know he hurting and all but that juat left me speechless, dont know how to respond to it so i'll avoid it for the mean time..
house hunt report: the one i was going to see today fell through so i'm going to see a difrent one maybe have more luck there even though its not an ideal location.. a bit too close to EX's place.. and a bit on the expensive side of life but we'll see, if this other girl from this other place acutally pick up the phone i might have another option..
i'm getting real tierd from this house hunt, Mother suggested keeping P.Princess for a while just so i can find something but i cant think of leaving her behind she should be with me where ever i go.i know it limits my search a bit but i know i'll find something eventually..i dont really care anymore where not really.. just to get out of here and have some change..
i seem to have gotten Mothers flue yey me so i can add that to my circle of fun!!

did half of my homework, maybe i'll find the strength to do the rest some time today too.. maybe when i get back from house hunt i'll have some more energy to do something productive, at least i did some catching up on my lack of sleep it was one good thing to be done this weekend.
still havent heard nothing from Toy Boy probably still in the army guess we'll see what happens next time he's around. could use some R&R time with a younge man probably just what the doctor ordered.. ;)

May Bastt bless my hunt for house and happiness..

Friday, March 17, 2006

after thoughts..

had rather a misrable day yesterday, after getting home early and only sleeping a few hours, long tiering day at work..had a low low time talking to Iron Man, had a leaking face and real down time that crept up on me, got a mail from Talanted Boy and it kinda downed on me: i have more friends who i'm in touch on a sort of regular basis in amsterdam right now then what i have in this shit hole..
now add that to the really small paycheck from febuary and my lack of succsess in finding a place, and you got one cruel circle of fun all round.. i think this whole Toy Boy thing was only a trigger for other things which is why i'm not sure how to treat it.. i dont have that much of a problem doing younger men it was just so sureal to happen the way it did, i mean after i sat with him and we started talking that we got to his age and i banged my head on the bar five times looked up and said to Bastt : you got to be fucking kidding me.. but no, she wasnt joking so i played along, i just hope next time she throws me a bone it would be an older bone.. he has my number and if he is smart he will call me and we could do it better this time.. i think i'm too old for this single matress empty room or the great out doors..

i need to make some changes i just dont know where to start, i dont want to change jobs till i know where i live and as i cant seem to find a place yet its all kind of on air and on hold but time is moving on and i want to be at the new job for pass over, and make more money, if i ever want to get my tattoo done i need a better paycheck..

everyone around me seem to be moving on and i feel like i'm stuck in a hole with lots of will but no means to get moving, i hate feeling stuck..
walking with Toy Boy to his friends place reminded me of what its like to actually have a life..
it was fun!
Iron Man said something true yestrday: you are a person who thrive on thrills to live happily and when you dont get them you wilt.. he had a point there.. hehe.. he also had a good point saying thank Bastt you dont do cocain or heroin as you would be a true addict.. i know what he means.. i asked him if it was just my memorey fooling me into believing things were easier in amsterdam or was it really like that.. he said the whole in your face attitude works wonders there but probably doesnt suit this place, and he has never been to israel.. i dont do it for attantion.. this is just who i am and it gets kinda lonely being the only colorfull person among all this gray.. i just wish to stick my foot in the door and create my new circle of friends anew... just to have a place of my own and some change...
yeah i think a change would be real good for me now...

may Bastt bless the changes i wish for..

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Bastt is taking the piss out of me...

yesterday, went out for another purim party, difrent music difrent crowd, after almost giving up on men, i noticed a young guy looking over at me from the bar, after a few smiles i decided to take a short cut and went to sit by him..
we start talking and then i find out that Bastt thought it would be real funny to throw a YOUNG man at me.. the guy is only the army, how sweet... so yeah i dont know what i think about it now, after getting home at 0700 hr but yeah beggers cant be choosers.. i need to have more time to think bout how i feel bout it all..

and Thank Bastt of the silly black humor...

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

bla bla bla

my purim sucked... still no luck on the home hunt.. still dry spell.
going to drown my sorrow in alcohol with some girlfriends tomorow maybe it would help.
i'm broke and horny and really boerd with it all, need some excitment.
long day tomorow need to wake up way to early. going to sleep.
if by any chance something realy intresting will actually happen i will share
may Bastt send me some sex on legs and a home to move into...

Friday, March 10, 2006

been to home work hell and back..

yeah those lovley design class home work... i just love them and that teacher..
good thing is i maneged to get most of it done, i painted the box and finished the jewll and tomoro i just need to saw them buttons and decorate the box..
showed Mother one of my first attampts at the jewll and recived the lovely remark attached to a sour face: "continue tomorow you dont have it now... " (me steaming out of my ears !!!!) she can be so infuriating... went out for a smoke and cooled down, went back to it and finished it, don't think its the best i ever made but i wasnt aiming at the best i think it works, i like it!
background: make a piece of jewllery for your favorite celebrity.. including box. i chose Christopher Walken who i think the world of.. someone who embraces his strangness and made it be his glory!
he is kind of a role model for me..
i made him a tie pin, from recycalled objects. it's difrent i think it works in a funky way. it's defintly not the best but it will have to do..
maybe even have the time to catch a movie tomorow.. met my new room mate he's cool hopefully the place will come next and yeah you know the rest its bloody boring!!
well this is it for tonight
Bastt bless us and may she send me sex soon!!!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

after "tomorow!!!"

yesterday... was intresting in a all kind of manners:
A: i discoverd i realy do have horns i.e:i scare men, some not all..(i do belive there are men who wont be scared of me)
B: empty stumeck+beer+stoli crystal chasers= me drunk real fast..
C: throwing up in the toilet is never fun, that includes the second time too..
D: Mother thinks me being drunk is hilarious..
slept like a queen, hardly any headache in the morning.. and a real hunger for more, bring on the purim party!!!
going to dress up as a modern pirate. should be cool, maybe if i'll take my alcohol more slowly and modarately i'll last longer and might score too.. been without sex for too long, hope to cange that. hate this not getting any, its cramping my style. i also dont really get this thing of me not getting any, i dont think i try too hard i mean, i'm there and i'm looking for it but i seem to intimidate people or something. shouldn't really be hard for a girl about town not to get some, right?
well i have kind of high hopes but i dont think they are that mis led or something..

bout the house hunt: me and roomie went our seprate ways and now i am looking for something with someone i havent met yet but we should be seeing something tomorow, so i might have some good news tomorow.. i sure do hope so, as long as i dont know where i'm living i can't make any changes with work.. which means i'm still stuck with their bulshit pay and the rest of their crap. not that where i intend to start working is going to be hat much better but its still bout a 1000 nis more a month.. should make some difrence.. that and living in tel aviv ofcourse..

spoke to EX today he's planing a new tattoo, happy for him, miss being freinds with him he was always easy to talk to, wish he'll get over me so we could be friends again, selfish i know but true.

thank Bastt for purim parteys and the next days after party nights..

Tuesday, March 07, 2006


oh the fun!
going out drinking tomorow!!! realy excited about it, taking M with me and my potential Roomie, thought it would be a good idea to let him see me drunk before we rent a place together (still no lick there but soon i know it!), better safe than sorry! and we shall see who the cat will drag in... i might meet some other people there, left an open invetation on my site see who will pick up on it..

well i'm heading to sleep now long long day/night tomorow!!
storys will be told when i recover from the hangover.. :)
good night,
Bastt bless us all!

Saturday, March 04, 2006

thank Bastt for pandora!

still home alone but at least i have Pandora to keep me company and open a new world of music.
verdict on the boyz place: not going to happen, which is probably for the best as the room offerd was tiny so never mind, everything that happens is for the best right?

maybe in a few minutes/hours i'll be responsiable and start working on my home work, i should realy i also think i have some ideas bout what to do with it but i'm playing lazy for now. was chating to EX on msn earlier, it was fun resambeld what it would be like to have him as my friend again, i kinda miss that but i know i need to give him all the time he needs to heal so maybe somewhere in the future we could be friends again.
i am realy looking farwards to wednsday by now i am dying for a drink and the company of other people around me, i need to have the company of others i am wilting here, EX thought i was moving back to tel aviv for the party life and stuff and he said i should get my prioritis straight, i understand where he's coming from besides him being hurt, and all, but he could always stick to himself, didnt need any distarction from the outside world he could stay at home for weeks without the need of outside unput. i can't handel that i need some outside attantion aswel. some input form outside some fresh air something. can't stand the solitude of this horid place its driving me mad!!
saw an option for a place in tel aviv need to call them see whats up maybe something good will come out of it.. by now i almost don't care anymore on the where bit, price is more impotrtant then anything else i just want to have a place out of here. i'm trying to be realistic bout it all and not succumb to my amazing world of colorfull and fun as it might be its not real..
Bastt save me from bordome...

Friday, March 03, 2006

home alone...

Mother went away for the weekend. i'm home alone, hope i'll figure out what to do with all this free time and empty house. maybe i'll activate my cat and get her to run around and do somwthing more then useal.. maybe i'll do my home work today or something... its fucking boring here, no where to go nothing to do.

found my self a radio station.. pandora!!! now i can listen to good music... yey me for finally looking it up, guess whats going to play the whole weekend on my computer......

looking farward to wednsday.. planing on getting royaly drunk on stoli crysatl at sheseq, put an open invetation on my site maybe some people will surprise me by joining in on the drunk fest.. maybe i'll get lucky. havent been to Sheseq for two years but from what i remember of it it was good, elctronic music cool little lounges and with this 7 nis per stoli crystal chasers... sounds like a really good deal for me. asked Batman out as he still owes me and this way i'll have someone responsiable enough to make sure i get home!! yey me again!!

Rammstein... (on pandora) god i miss amsterdam... loved their show...oh men i so need to get drunk!! miss the Korss so bad.. fridays where so much fun!! dont think i ever had any problems with money to get drunk with... dont remember a weekend i didnt go out in...shit ciggaret break..!

still no luck on the home hunt.. but i saw that the boyz i was thinking of moving in with are still looking so maybe if i'm still lucky i'll get my place back in their hearts and get to move in...

pandora is sending me curved balls.. the music is still real good but from something that started as dark heavy music its now playing some elctronic beat thing.. its good just kind of strange in this context.. but i'm not complaining, its good. has some blips in it, i'm not sure if its them or this damn slow computer.. well so far its ok.. msning with isidor on the other window.. talking to my favorite fan.. (only one so far.. :) and probably the last one i'll have if i keep on being so fucking boring!!

damn Iron Man for being so damn busy miss talking to him on msn.. i'll try calling him maybe i'll be able to convince him to get his scrawny ass on line. got his damn voicemail..
god i hate being so lifeless... i end up feeling all sorry for myself and being all bitchy and moany and whiny i hate being like that..
i know that if i had alcohol now i'd be drunk.. not sure its such a good thing but shit i dont even have that...
Mother only has wine at home and i dont like getting drunk on wine and i think i'd hate myself even more if i would have gotten all drunk home alone.. i'll go smoke some more, on the cold belkonie.. oh i hate this lamness i fell into..

pandora ruls!!! Stinkfist is on!! i'm in OzzFest all over again... Tool are playing the sun is begining to set one of the best days of my life... i took that song with me for the rest of the next two days.. me and Talanted boy got home late, the next day we were in bed all day watching tv naked, the whole time bathing in the sunlight coming from the window... one of my best memorys form the whole time i spent with him... great now i'm amsterdam sick.. Tool live rock!! that was the first time i encounterd them..
took me a while to figure out the name of that song so i could ask Charley to play it for me at the Cave... he always used to tease me about it, and other things like that night when i forgot i was on antibiotics (yeah ol stupid me..) and couldn't figure out why i'm stoned after half a glass of wine.. it took me another three before i rememberd i was taking meds.. by then i was apperntly making some real crude offers to charley and discribing very garphicly all the ways i wanted to be taken by him and that kind of stuff... i'm not sure, i just know i threw up twice before getting home and charlet allways having a realy nasty smile when i asked him bout what i said... embaressing in the best way posiable i think..

damn i miss the cave, i miss amsterdam, now this song of The Cure: Pictures of you... damn i can almost smell amstrdam now...i remember when i listend to it first, just after breaking up with Marthijn.. trying to figure out what was i doing with him and why i was so blind to how phsycotic he realy was.. damn that was a long time ago, and still with this song playing i'm right there all over again.. i think i did learn the lesson i needed to learn from that realtionship.. but it took me a while to see how bad i was doing or more like how long i refused to deal with how bad it got, as i saw no way out.. as when i finaly saw a way out it happened quickly (thank god for that), i'm not sure what would have happened if i sateyd with him for much longer, probably something to do with wilting like a flower in shadow with poisened water... slowly but surely from lack of affaction..
(this pandora thing rocks.. the dust brothers... another artist/s i got to know while in amsterdam..)
another memeory comes to mind: me making Bouncer guy a cock ring out of hemetait stones.. funny story that one, but i'll keep that one for later ;)))
its amazing how i zig zag between lines of thought today, very eclectic...

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

finished my first ring for the wedding ring project, very happy with it. its super cool. looks like a midevil thing , like what they used onprisoner... a chain with a heavy iron ball to keep them from running away, and there in a nut shell my idea of marrige... i have another one i'm still working on waiting for my teacher to make me a certein tool so i could start working on them.

David Bowie on 88fm... one of my favorite songs... which ofcourse i have no idea what it's called. but damn its melencholic and sweet... wish i could have a drink with it...* i know the name of this song i knew i knew it: "bring me the head of the disco king..." from that magical soundtrack of the lame movie:the underworld.. or something lame like that..
anyway back to my train of thought: i miss alcohol, wish i could find an appartment in tel aviv with a belcony i could sit in and look out on the street which ever street it might be and have a smoke in one hand and a beer in the other have music coming out and let it be friday afternoon or early on saturday, the trnquilty of the city in those magical hours, have ppl over for dinner and sit and talk till late , smoking laughing drinking, getting in to those strange philosophical conversations that you only get into in those late stoned drunk of the wee hours... damn i wish i had a life.. god i wish i could smoke in my moms house.. dying for a smoke now.
the weather is changing i do wish to be in tel aviv by the end of this month at the latest..

Sunday, February 26, 2006

got an email from my EX today, made me cry. it was not that i regret ending the realtionship, as much as his listing all our privet moments that he misses, in a way i still beat myself up for all the mistakes we made on the way and how long i knew it was heading for a fall before i could voice it myself. he became a really good friend and it hurt more to break it up cause i knew id break his heart which i did but it still hurts as he does deserve better even though he will never agree with me about it.
i need to sleep over this some more its all too fresh.
to be continued.
*the next evening...*

we apperntly started a new line of comunication, we mail each other long mails, i dont know where its heading but i'm glad he is making some progress if anything at least he learned a few things about himself no matter how painfull they are.
one day i'll learn not to break sweet mens hearts fooling them into bellieving that i am as inlove with them as they are with me, the one before this one informed me the other day that he's expecting his first born in 4 months ... i am happy for him just wish he could reach this happinness with out me trampling his heart like i did, even though i know that its posiable that if i hadn't brought him back form amsterdam he would not have met his wife and mother of his first child. i dont think i'll get lucky this time not with all the time me and EX spent together before i realised i was there for the wrong reasons and that i apperntly was never inlove with him in the first place, but was just having so much fun with him i thought i'll i dont know what i thought... but we had some really good times together i just i could avoid breaking his heart. the only other person who knew all this till now was my Mother and she guessed most of it, this is the first time i admit to all of my crimes against my dearst friend.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

shorter men.. and:.Safe Gray Boxess

damn it, another lame excuse another body on the wall of *i'm scared of this lady, shes all tall and direct and she'll bite my head off..* damn you men, go join Prince Igor and Flirting Guy on the wall of shame!! maybe the three of you could have a pissing competion on how lame you're excuses were to avoid me...
i am a good person whome two of you havent even botherd to meet cause i'm taller then you? i mean come on what ever happened to your balls you dangeled so proudly in the foreplay of flirting... so yeah my pic is not in my profile and when you ask me about it you turn all bussy and cold and distant...
i mean fuck! its only a social get together no one is expecting you to A:fall madly in love with me,
B:buy me drinks in hopes i would put out, C: offer you my total devotion and wrap my self around your finger...
damn it i'm just trying to meet new people... if you liked me so far what makes you think it would cange if i'm taller then you?
(for those who are not in the loop: 181cm thats the whole deal.. i'm no giant woman freak!!! no offance meant to taller woman then me! i am sure you have your fair share of idiotic men to deal with)
i promise i'll be sitting the whole time so no one will see that i tower over you! why are you men get so intimidated by me?
i am not that amazing! i am more intelegant then some and have a very open mind and i am very out spoken, but hey why is that so frightning? damn it P.Igor was right when he said: We are all Robots! you men are! you have no idea how to break the siliy box of protection and safe gaurds you put up since childhood, to make sure nothing strange and out of the ordinary will creep into your safe box of gray normality... damn you boring people!!
how you like to pretand your something more, something close to intresting, you play with words and play with fire and then you realize the heat is too much so you slither out of my kitchen back to your safe boxes! so you could tell all your gray safe people how you were playing with fire but maneged to escape with only singed eye lashes, and the hint of true freedome on your finger tips, and boy, that freedome tastes good... but this taste comes with a high price tag ... of unknown amount of p