signed my contract today...

so yeah signed my new contract today..
it almost fell through but we worked it out at the end.. so now i'm a proud renter of a place in florentine!!! should be meeting up with Chef tonight, yesterday didnt work out, he was busy til real late, called to apologise and said he would come pick me up later, then he was done a bit later then i hoped and was already asleep, so tonight later. its fun to think that i have key to my own place, i can go to even tough right now its empty and has nothing of mine to distinguish it from the rest of any other rentel place in tel aviv. soon it would have charcter and style minimal but there. new job starting sunday and and tomorow is my last day in my other job!! yey me!! i'm hoping simpson could help memove some stuff to on saturday including my dear Princess, hope she would get used to it soon enough..
not that she really has a choice.
now its just passing the time till something happens, like my phone ringing or something of the sort.. i realy do hate doing that, but i'll manage i'll sort out some stuff, wish it to take longer than it would and then see that not that much time passed yet and somewhere along the way i'll lose my paitnce and do something like go to tel aviv and tell myself i could wait in my place for my phone to ring as its better then waiting at home or something silly like that..
hate waiting for ppl to call or for things to happen, have no tolorance for sitting around and waiting for things to happen i rather create them myself.. at least then they happen, not always on the best of sides but at least i'm not stagnant or stuck depended on other ppls actions while waiting for them to realise that this is the most important thing ever and they are blind not to see it.. yeah total lack of proportions to go with it..

may Bastt bless my minimal tolarance feeling stuck with some understanding and proportions..

updates...

first of all i found a place, signing the contract tomorow.. its for real this time!!
small place by myself, not too expensive, has the bare nessecitys of a closet, a fridge a sofa bed, and just bout enough space to place me and Princess and my work bench. the land lord is cool and flexeable very helpfull too. the building is super cool with an intercom system and a beautyfull entrance. so i'm a happy cat! :))
hopeing to hear from Chef tonight as i hope we could meet and talk, i want to get this stuff off my chest i think i figured out some of my internal struggels. there is the part which is all bout sex hard and agresive, and the other which is the little girl who only wants to be held and comforted.. so she tends to wake up somewhere when the sex gets rough and start screaming.. so yeah its oh-so-fun being me...
but i have faith in Chef to understand and hopefully have faith in me to figure it out and still be around, i think we could be really good friends above all else the rest will be browny points...
so now i'm trying to figure out when and how to move my stuff and Princess over to the new place,..
maybe Ex could help me out with moving the things i need including Princess..i'll have to ask him and see if he's available, no game and all. means i dont have to worry too much bout how i get home on sunday night after work and all.. as i'll already have a place in tel aviv..
i'm happy bout it it feels good to know the search is over and that i got just bout what i wanted..
very minimal but for that price its fine.. anyway i dont think i'll be hosting people there anyway..
i'll have to figure out some more shelvings but the landlord is really cool i'm sure he could help me out with it.. now i'm all excited bout this whole move thing and am busy figuring out where to put what and what to do with this and that..
its going to be realy cool living in tel aviv!!
Bastt be blessed and shed some more magic in my life..
new nighbourhood new job a new friend.. what a way to start a better life..

yesterday...
called a guy bout a place and came out with a date with a Chef.. besides his place i saw another place in florentine close by his place that i really want should know more later today..
bout the Chef, i stayed the night which was rather terbulant night emotinaly for me, but i think we could be good friends, so we shall see where the wind blows, what he offers scares me, and its all good things on offer but i dont think i'm quit ready for them yet, somehow i think hes going to understand..
i'll call him tonight and we'll talk and see where it would take us..
got a wrong number call this morning and it was funny i think i'm going to hear from that guy again too..
Darling turened out to be all talk and no play, he probably hid his balls somewhere and now he cant find them anymore..
EX sent me mail with a writen apologie for all the latest news of his blog and how pathetic he has been, something friendly might still come out of it, you never know..at least he reconected with this world again.
Izidor and me are supposedly going to drink together thursday, and if your reading this be reminded..;) hopefully by tonight i'll have some more news hopefully bout that place i want.
till then may Bastt send me the strength to pull of this day with a smile on my face..

*had a cool drive home with a cool taxi driver he played Skunk Anannsi for me..

*been to a wedding party of sorts, was fun..

spoke to EX today havent told him nothing bout the blog, going to see him tomorow he's bringing P.Princess her crystals. must admit to going in there again and he knows i know or guesses as much.. so tough for him..
anyway i have second thoughts about that place i thought i found so i'm looking again.. hopefully this week something good will happen..
still got home work to be done but i think tomorow is a better day for home work. think i might get in bed soon with my new book which i cant seem to get enough of..

*the next day...*

i slept for hours, made up for all those lost hours spent in franzyed insperations.. soon i'll be bussy with home work and orgenizing shit around the house, shower and then hopefully i'll go check this place in florentine it might be good. spoke to Simpson he's "wife" is away so he's home alone with a friend, i might drop by there for a visit and maybe just maybe Darling will give me a call and i'll meet him too...
had one of those dreams last night, woke up hornier then ever.. sent Darling an explicit sms maybe he'll pick up on it and we shall get something going..


hopefully the last time i mention this.. after EX is coming over today with stuff for Princess and gives me money for her overly expensive food i'm going to go silent, i dont buy all this "i'm so misraeble with out you" bullshit anymore, i thought we could be friends before the time and i learned my lesson so i'll live him to his "misery" and manage my self and the needs of my gorgeous Princess by myself as i'll be making more money soon as it is..
and he can wallow in his self pity and idiocy of leting me see his blog..
ok thats it i'm done talking bout him..

so yeah home work.. i better get started if i want to do all this other stuff i have planed for today..
May Bastt bless my advantures and my aspiration for a place of my own..

found a place and more then what i bargained for 2

found a place!!!!!!! got me a place really excited bout it!!



but, i also found EX's blog... he has it attached to his mails and i was giving him some advise on a tattoo and got more for my money than i wanted.. it was like looking at a car accident.. you cant keep stop looking... hes getting more sex then me damn him so the whole thing was rather disgusting...i dont feel jealuos or anything like that it was just too much info.. yuck..



back to my place... i found the coolest place ever.
damn my discovery i need to go smoke, will tell more excitedly soon.. must get the bad taste out of my mouth.

Bastt save me from discoverys..

p.s. spoke to big cheese from AMPM hopefully i'll hear from them soon so i could change jobs..
Bastt save me this weekend.
i need it!

lost my post..

white nights, had two in a row now, last night insparation came by my door at half two in the morning..at least something good came out of it.
still no luck on the house front but i'm gearing up for full force and i'll find that speciall place thats been alluding me for the last two months.
part of yesterday's inspireing white night i have done so utterly stupid today i'm thoroghly pissed with myself especially as i have no clue how h fuck i did it.. tryed printing out my shorter men gray boxess post and somehow managed to erase half of the damn post...argh...
wrote the site an email trying to find a way to retrive the damn thing and finally did the smart thing of directing all posts to be mailed to my email after publishing...
so if anyone reading this has by any starnge reason has saved the first full version of that post PLEASE contact me on the coment pageas i dearly loved that post and really want it back...
May Bastt bless this request and return my lost post to me!!

tail of a homeless cat...

seen a place yesterday spoke to the guy on the phone, waited for him, when he finalyy showed up.. guess who it was? (Bastt taking the piss again..) the guy i dropped my number in his biker jacket a month ago in the tattoo place... yeah the joy of a small world... yeah so that was fun..
anyway so i considered that place for some wrong reasons for half a day and then soberd up and gave it up..
saw another 4 placess today, one of them might actually be good for me i just hope they liked me too.. and another one to see tomorow that sounds good even though its a touch expensive.. but i need to see what i get for it.. anyways..

so yeah no news from Toy Boy, well it was good while it lasted..
got to go back to work tomorow, damn it had fun not seeing that place for three days..

well i'm boring myself so good night wish me luck on my house hunt.. i might get lucky along the way.. ;)
may Bastt send me a bone(r) soon...

same shit diferent weekend..

i recived some poetry from EX tofday, kind of embarecing to read.. its so unlike him, and i know he hurting and all but that juat left me speechless, dont know how to respond to it so i'll avoid it for the mean time..
house hunt report: the one i was going to see today fell through so i'm going to see a difrent one maybe have more luck there even though its not an ideal location.. a bit too close to EX's place.. and a bit on the expensive side of life but we'll see, if this other girl from this other place acutally pick up the phone i might have another option..
i'm getting real tierd from this house hunt, Mother suggested keeping P.Princess for a while just so i can find something but i cant think of leaving her behind she should be with me where ever i go.i know it limits my search a bit but i know i'll find something eventually..i dont really care anymore where not really.. just to get out of here and have some change..
i seem to have gotten Mothers flue yey me so i can add that to my circle of fun!!

did half of my homework, maybe i'll find the strength to do the rest some time today too.. maybe when i get back from house hunt i'll have some more energy to do something productive, at least i did some catching up on my lack of sleep it was one good thing to be done this weekend.
still havent heard nothing from Toy Boy probably still in the army guess we'll see what happens next time he's around. could use some R&R time with a younge man probably just what the doctor ordered.. ;)

May Bastt bless my hunt for house and happiness..

after thoughts..

had rather a misrable day yesterday, after getting home early and only sleeping a few hours, long tiering day at work..had a low low time talking to Iron Man, had a leaking face and real down time that crept up on me, got a mail from Talanted Boy and it kinda downed on me: i have more friends who i'm in touch on a sort of regular basis in amsterdam right now then what i have in this shit hole..
now add that to the really small paycheck from febuary and my lack of succsess in finding a place, and you got one cruel circle of fun all round.. i think this whole Toy Boy thing was only a trigger for other things which is why i'm not sure how to treat it.. i dont have that much of a problem doing younger men it was just so sureal to happen the way it did, i mean after i sat with him and we started talking that we got to his age and i banged my head on the bar five times looked up and said to Bastt : you got to be fucking kidding me.. but no, she wasnt joking so i played along, i just hope next time she throws me a bone it would be an older bone.. he has my number and if he is smart he will call me and we could do it better this time.. i think i'm too old for this single matress empty room or the great out doors..

i need to make some changes i just dont know where to start, i dont want to change jobs till i know where i live and as i cant seem to find a place yet its all kind of on air and on hold but time is moving on and i want to be at the new job for pass over, and make more money, if i ever want to get my tattoo done i need a better paycheck..

everyone around me seem to be moving on and i feel like i'm stuck in a hole with lots of will but no means to get moving, i hate feeling stuck..
walking with Toy Boy to his friends place reminded me of what its like to actually have a life..
it was fun!
Iron Man said something true yestrday: you are a person who thrive on thrills to live happily and when you dont get them you wilt.. he had a point there.. hehe.. he also had a good point saying thank Bastt you dont do cocain or heroin as you would be a true addict.. i know what he means.. i asked him if it was just my memorey fooling me into believing things were easier in amsterdam or was it really like that.. he said the whole in your face attitude works wonders there but probably doesnt suit this place, and he has never been to israel.. i dont do it for attantion.. this is just who i am and it gets kinda lonely being the only colorfull person among all this gray.. i just wish to stick my foot in the door and create my new circle of friends anew... just to have a place of my own and some change...
yeah i think a change would be real good for me now...

may Bastt bless the changes i wish for..

Bastt is taking the piss out of me...

yesterday, went out for another purim party, difrent music difrent crowd, after almost giving up on men, i noticed a young guy looking over at me from the bar, after a few smiles i decided to take a short cut and went to sit by him..
we start talking and then i find out that Bastt thought it would be real funny to throw a YOUNG man at me.. the guy is only twenty...in the army, how sweet... so yeah i dont know what i think about it now, after getting home at 0700 hr but yeah beggers cant be choosers.. i need to have more time to think bout how i feel bout it all..

and Thank Bastt of the silly black humor...

bla bla bla

my purim sucked... still no luck on the home hunt.. still dry spell.
going to drown my sorrow in alcohol with some girlfriends tomorow maybe it would help.
i'm broke and horny and really boerd with it all, need some excitment.
long day tomorow need to wake up way to early. going to sleep.
if by any chance something realy intresting will actually happen i will share
may Bastt send me some sex on legs and a home to move into...

been to home work hell and back..

yeah those lovley design class home work... i just love them and that teacher..
good thing is i maneged to get most of it done, i painted the box and finished the jewll and tomoro i just need to saw them buttons and decorate the box..
showed Mother one of my first attampts at the jewll and recived the lovely remark attached to a sour face: "continue tomorow you dont have it now... " (me steaming out of my ears !!!!) she can be so infuriating... went out for a smoke and cooled down, went back to it and finished it, don't think its the best i ever made but i wasnt aiming at the best i think it works, i like it!
background: make a piece of jewllery for your favorite celebrity.. including box. i chose Christopher Walken who i think the world of.. someone who embraces his strangness and made it be his glory!
he is kind of a role model for me..
i made him a tie pin, from recycalled objects. it's difrent i think it works in a funky way. it's defintly not the best but it will have to do..
maybe even have the time to catch a movie tomorow.. met my new room mate he's cool hopefully the place will come next and yeah you know the rest its bloody boring!!
well this is it for tonight
Bastt bless us and may she send me sex soon!!!

after "tomorow!!!"

yesterday... was intresting in a all kind of manners:
A: i discoverd i realy do have horns i.e:i scare men, some not all..(i do belive there are men who wont be scared of me)
B: empty stumeck+beer+stoli crystal chasers= me drunk real fast..
C: throwing up in the toilet is never fun, that includes the second time too..
D: Mother thinks me being drunk is hilarious..
slept like a queen, hardly any headache in the morning.. and a real hunger for more, bring on the purim party!!!
going to dress up as a modern pirate. should be cool, maybe if i'll take my alcohol more slowly and modarately i'll last longer and might score too.. been without sex for too long, hope to cange that. hate this not getting any, its cramping my style. i also dont really get this thing of me not getting any, i dont think i try too hard i mean, i'm there and i'm looking for it but i seem to intimidate people or something. shouldn't really be hard for a girl about town not to get some, right?
well i have kind of high hopes but i dont think they are that mis led or something..

bout the house hunt: me and roomie went our seprate ways and now i am looking for something with someone i havent met yet but we should be seeing something tomorow, so i might have some good news tomorow.. i sure do hope so, as long as i dont know where i'm living i can't make any changes with work.. which means i'm still stuck with their bulshit pay and the rest of their crap. not that where i intend to start working is going to be hat much better but its still bout a 1000 nis more a month.. should make some difrence.. that and living in tel aviv ofcourse..

spoke to EX today he's planing a new tattoo, happy for him, miss being freinds with him he was always easy to talk to, wish he'll get over me so we could be friends again, selfish i know but true.

thank Bastt for purim parteys and the next days after party nights..

tomorow!!!

oh the fun!
going out drinking tomorow!!! realy excited about it, taking M with me and my potential Roomie, thought it would be a good idea to let him see me drunk before we rent a place together (still no lick there but soon i know it!), better safe than sorry! and we shall see who the cat will drag in... i might meet some other people there, left an open invetation on my site see who will pick up on it..

well i'm heading to sleep now long long day/night tomorow!!
storys will be told when i recover from the hangover.. :)
good night,
Bastt bless us all!

thank Bastt for pandora!

still home alone but at least i have Pandora to keep me company and open a new world of music.
verdict on the boyz place: not going to happen, which is probably for the best as the room offerd was tiny so never mind, everything that happens is for the best right?

maybe in a few minutes/hours i'll be responsiable and start working on my home work, i should realy i also think i have some ideas bout what to do with it but i'm playing lazy for now. was chating to EX on msn earlier, it was fun resambeld what it would be like to have him as my friend again, i kinda miss that but i know i need to give him all the time he needs to heal so maybe somewhere in the future we could be friends again.
i am realy looking farwards to wednsday by now i am dying for a drink and the company of other people around me, i need to have the company of others i am wilting here, EX thought i was moving back to tel aviv for the party life and stuff and he said i should get my prioritis straight, i understand where he's coming from besides him being hurt, and all, but he could always stick to himself, didnt need any distarction from the outside world he could stay at home for weeks without the need of outside unput. i can't handel that i need some outside attantion aswel. some input form outside some fresh air something. can't stand the solitude of this horid place its driving me mad!!
saw an option for a place in tel aviv need to call them see whats up maybe something good will come out of it.. by now i almost don't care anymore on the where bit, price is more impotrtant then anything else i just want to have a place out of here. i'm trying to be realistic bout it all and not succumb to my amazing world of fantasys..as colorfull and fun as it might be its not real..
Bastt save me from bordome...

home alone...

Mother went away for the weekend. i'm home alone, hope i'll figure out what to do with all this free time and empty house. maybe i'll activate my cat and get her to run around and do somwthing more then useal.. maybe i'll do my home work today or something... its fucking boring here, no where to go nothing to do.

found my self a radio station.. pandora!!! now i can listen to good music... yey me for finally looking it up, guess whats going to play the whole weekend on my computer......

looking farward to wednsday.. planing on getting royaly drunk on stoli crysatl at sheseq, put an open invetation on my site maybe some people will surprise me by joining in on the drunk fest.. maybe i'll get lucky. havent been to Sheseq for two years but from what i remember of it it was good, elctronic music cool little lounges and with this 7 nis per stoli crystal chasers... sounds like a really good deal for me. asked Batman out as he still owes me and this way i'll have someone responsiable enough to make sure i get home!! yey me again!!

Rammstein... (on pandora) god i miss amsterdam... loved their show...oh men i so need to get drunk!! miss the Korss so bad.. fridays where so much fun!! dont think i ever had any problems with money to get drunk with... dont remember a weekend i didnt go out in...shit ciggaret break..!

still no luck on the home hunt.. but i saw that the boyz i was thinking of moving in with are still looking so maybe if i'm still lucky i'll get my place back in their hearts and get to move in...

pandora is sending me curved balls.. the music is still real good but from something that started as dark heavy music its now playing some elctronic beat thing.. its good just kind of strange in this context.. but i'm not complaining, its good. has some blips in it, i'm not sure if its them or this damn slow computer.. well so far its ok.. msning with isidor on the other window.. talking to my favorite fan.. (only one so far.. :) and probably the last one i'll have if i keep on being so fucking boring!!

damn Iron Man for being so damn busy miss talking to him on msn.. i'll try calling him maybe i'll be able to convince him to get his scrawny ass on line. got his damn voicemail..
god i hate being so lifeless... i end up feeling all sorry for myself and being all bitchy and moany and whiny i hate being like that..
i know that if i had alcohol now i'd be drunk.. not sure its such a good thing but shit i dont even have that...
Mother only has wine at home and i dont like getting drunk on wine and i think i'd hate myself even more if i would have gotten all drunk home alone.. i'll go smoke some more, on the cold belkonie.. oh i hate this lamness i fell into..


pandora ruls!!! Stinkfist is on!! i'm in OzzFest all over again... Tool are playing the sun is begining to set one of the best days of my life... i took that song with me for the rest of the next two days.. me and Talanted boy got home late, the next day we were in bed all day watching tv naked, the whole time bathing in the sunlight coming from the window... one of my best memorys form the whole time i spent with him... great now i'm amsterdam sick.. Tool live rock!! that was the first time i encounterd them..
took me a while to figure out the name of that song so i could ask Charley to play it for me at the Cave... he always used to tease me about it, and other things like that night when i forgot i was on antibiotics (yeah ol stupid me..) and couldn't figure out why i'm stoned after half a glass of wine.. it took me another three before i rememberd i was taking meds.. by then i was apperntly making some real crude offers to charley and discribing very garphicly all the ways i wanted to be taken by him and that kind of stuff... i'm not sure, i just know i threw up twice before getting home and charlet allways having a realy nasty smile when i asked him bout what i said... embaressing in the best way posiable i think..

damn i miss the cave, i miss amsterdam, now this song of The Cure: Pictures of you... damn i can almost smell amstrdam now...i remember when i listend to it first, just after breaking up with Marthijn.. trying to figure out what was i doing with him and why i was so blind to how phsycotic he realy was.. damn that was a long time ago, and still with this song playing i'm right there all over again.. i think i did learn the lesson i needed to learn from that realtionship.. but it took me a while to see how bad i was doing or more like how long i refused to deal with how bad it got, as i saw no way out.. as when i finaly saw a way out it happened quickly (thank god for that), i'm not sure what would have happened if i sateyd with him for much longer, probably something to do with wilting like a flower in shadow with poisened water... slowly but surely from lack of affaction..
(this pandora thing rocks.. the dust brothers... another artist/s i got to know while in amsterdam..)
another memeory comes to mind: me making Bouncer guy a cock ring out of hemetait stones.. funny story that one, but i'll keep that one for later ;)))
its amazing how i zig zag between lines of thought today, very eclectic...

finished my first ring for the wedding ring project, very happy with it. its super cool. looks like a midevil thing , like what they used onprisoner... a chain with a heavy iron ball to keep them from running away, and there in a nut shell my idea of marrige... i have another one i'm still working on waiting for my teacher to make me a certein tool so i could start working on them.

David Bowie on 88fm... one of my favorite songs... which ofcourse i have no idea what it's called. but damn its melencholic and sweet... wish i could have a drink with it...* i know the name of this song i knew i knew it: "bring me the head of the disco king..." from that magical soundtrack of the lame movie:the underworld.. or something lame like that..
anyway back to my train of thought: i miss alcohol, wish i could find an appartment in tel aviv with a belcony i could sit in and look out on the street which ever street it might be and have a smoke in one hand and a beer in the other have music coming out and let it be friday afternoon or early on saturday, the trnquilty of the city in those magical hours, have ppl over for dinner and sit and talk till late , smoking laughing drinking, getting in to those strange philosophical conversations that you only get into in those late stoned drunk of the wee hours... damn i wish i had a life.. god i wish i could smoke in my moms house.. dying for a smoke now.
the weather is changing i do wish to be in tel aviv by the end of this month at the latest..