Friday, May 12, 2006

well well... so many things happened since i last posted...
that other day after my last post Chef offered me to move in with him, he asked me if it would bother me to see him with other women if i was living with him as a roomie, asked me to think bout it, i have been for a while(think bout it that is) havent given him an answer yet, i like the idea of living with him but i am not sure if its such a good idea as i dont know how i'd react to seeing him with others as till now i just avoided thinking bout it and as i know he does have other women in his life just that as long as it wasnt infront of me i could deal with it just fine, besides there is the wholw deal with my Princess and his dog which i'm not too sure would be that great, i mean i know that they could learn to play nice but i fear the havock they are going to create in the process, besides i dont want to lose my own place and be dependent on him especially if things go wrong and i get hurt on the way dont think i'd want to be here and have nowhere to go if i see that i cant handle it. i think there is a greater risk of getting in over my head as there is a great risk of me getting hurt, so far i know i am involved with Chef but i'm not in-love with him which is a good thing in my books as i know i would be hurt if i was. i need to know i have a place of my own to go too if things get too much on me i need a place of my own to be alone with myself, i need to feel and be independent in my own right. i need this for myself. and still i feel flattered that he offered me the place by his side and havebt offered that same place to his other Alfa female.. i'm still debating with myself on the matter i can see the good points and the bad ones and still not sure what to do, dont know if my feelings towards him might change if i'll live under his roof, at the moment i do spent alot of my free time with him but as i dont have that much free time with work and school which is going to be over soonif it might change things for me in way of maybe falling for him which i think is going to jeprodise this comfortable feeling and my hopes for my future i know he can help me go further and i also know that he is a lesson in life that is preparing me for somthing greater in my future some amazing and intense thing i can only glimps at now but know for sure that is waiting for me to be ready for.. i know where i want to be later in life and i know i can do it i know that i will do my all to make my dream come true and that in 3-5 years i wont be here anymore but somewhere in europe building my dream and making it into a reality.

enough bla for now, i've been to a job interview last night and hopefully i'll change jobs soon, and work in the nighborhood, it would do me good i know getting to know the people here better and and getting my self knowen for what i am and who i am and what i do, make new friends and not be so dependent on Chef for comfort, it might help that other fron i'm dealing with.
sat with Simpson yestreday and made my first draft for a buissnes card which was awasome, still needs some fine tuening but seing it take shape was good for me as i can see my future taking a more tangiable shape. this is all for now, i'll come back with more news as they come.

thank Bastt for small mercys..

Saturday, May 06, 2006

coments on my last post and more..

read my last post after a while and it sounds realy lame, i dont think i'm in that place anymore, ithink i understand better now then i did then how i feel bout it all and i dont have the same wishfull thinking i did before, i feel better about my realationship with Chef and what is on offer i dont wish for more exclusivityas i did then as i realised i'll be banging my head against a brick wall and might even ruin a perfectly working realtion.. he is what he is and i know that as long as i dont fall for him i'll be fine with it, it hasnt happened yet which is a good thing as i know myself well enough by now to know that the first month is usalythe time it takes me and i'm not i am though really enjoying myself with him he is alot of fun to be with i am dealing well with the other woman in his life and we are kind of friends in some way.. i try not to jam sticks in my own wheels as there is no point in it i enjoy what i have with him as it is and i dont try to change him, i give him his space and enjoy our time together out sex life is introducing me to new ideas and new frontiers and those are always wellcome, i learn with him new things that i had no one before to teach me and in a wayi think the our sexual personalties are part of the reason i can handel these new ideas of no exclusivity better i belive him to be a lesson to preperme for something greater than i had before may it be love or other succsess that are still ahead of me. i belive that i am now beging to sprout my first feathers on my way to build my ever so colorfull wings i know that he would be there for me when i need him most as i wuld be there for him i see myself evolve and progress since i met him and try and avoid the little voicein my head that trys tocomlicate things by regressing to the things he knows and is more comfortable with cause it just doesnt know anybetter, and is afraid of change i trust Chef to know how far to go with me and when he can push me further even though sometimes it scares me to go to those places i've never been too before as i know i can always ask and talkabout the things that scare me and use them to move further and be even stronger then i was before, i am feeling better bout myslef now then i ever did before. one of the better things with im is he always makes me feel safe with him, i can always come to him with any truble or issue and we could talk it over and i'll feel better afterwards..

and now to other news of my life... school is going realy good had somehard time after the holidays in finding my way back to working on all my projects but i found my thread of creation and its going very well.. i've set my self some goals as to what i want done with the rest of the year. first of all is to finish school with out having to much hate going on between me and my design teacher, then there is the goal of starting my new tattoo this summer hopfully through july and then come october i want to be in amsterdam for my darling Elvie is going to make me an auntie...!!!! so i promised her i'll be there to get drunk with her like old times at the cave drinking bosswandlings...
my job sucks still but might change soon as this morning i met i girl coustumer from work at her work which is just next door to home and they are looking for ppl.. so shes going to put in a good word for me and i might be changing jobs againwhich would be a blast as i treid nailing that job in the past but was turned down by someone i know here is not in the know anymore so there is hope for something better just next to my place so yey me!!!
thats all for now, i'll try to keep updating as things move along without such long breaks in between...
may Bastt keep me safe and happy and keep on smiling at me as she has lately..