Tuesday, November 27, 2007

counting down to 30

in a little more than a month I'll be 30 years old. i think that i for the first time i am not so nervous bout turning 30, i feel like i'm getting a hands on my life's forward progress: i signed up back to school, starting this Sunday, I'm excited bout it think i made the right choice bout the school and the course I'm taking. i now own two matching pajamas.. silly but true, i am in a serious relationship that is healthy and real, i even confessed to my mom that i intend on being a mom my self one day.... (let the drums roll...) we spoke of tyeing the knot without a specific time line in towed. i think that for the first time i know where my life is heading as i am the one leading them i am happy with where i am in life i am happy with my gorgeous Thunder. its not all rosie but i think its good that way, when we do have bumps we talk bout them, at first i was afraid to admit when things got bumpy, having something good going on for the first time was scary but i realized in time that even a good thing can be bumpy and thats natural. we are getting more comfortable with each other and things are good and fun and healthy, funny and just like i dreamed of as a young girl making my first steps into "relationships". i am just glad i finally found what my heart desired all these years and we are the lucky ones...
life has been a constant roller-coaster for the last year or so its been fun and sad and scary..
its not all calm waters ahead either but I'm excited bout whats to come. i am coming into my own i am excited bout all that is to come, i am happy we are happy...
this coming year will be exciting!

Sunday, September 23, 2007

happy holldays to all..
here at the Thunder Cats residence all is well i am hoping to orgenize a pre-party as an unofficial house warming party sort thing till the whole production of our official house warming will come to be.
with the band the bar and all..
i am happy with us and where we are heading its not allways smooth but hey thats life and all in all we are happy and working hard to make a better future for us both..
the idea of off springs came up and is acceptable on both we just know that now isnt the time,,
not yet that is.. ;)

Friday, August 10, 2007

i am happy!

after the long haul, and the move and all i am happier than ever..
Thunder and me are happily in love.. i got it right this time damn right!
i got what i have been looking for for so long, i was finally ready within myself to find what my heart wants at last.. and damn it is so good!
we had some truly magical moments ones i always dreamt of having, ones i thought that when they finally arrive will be followed by drum rolls and fire works .. they came and are here to stay though no drums have rolled and no fire works came along with them they are even more magical for it, they come naturally now and are so beauty full theres no need for outside announcements..
we had a wonderful long talk after coming back to TLV and we have had that magical love making that only comes to those who love.. i am great full to him and me for reminding me how much more fun can be had when u add that oh so sought after spice of love in to having sex..
we are on a new path to a better future together, him with his promotion at work coming up and me, well, i think soon enough i'll find my muse again and soar higher with my creativity too..
this is what life should feel like..
i am now understanding better all my past mistakes that brought me here, with out them i wont be here now.
i know know that i had to make all those mistakes to get me here where i can finally be secure with myself and with my man and take the next step up the ladder...
Goddess bless us all!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

it has been a long haul...

yep we are moving in to our new place this Wednesday.. we are already known as boyfriend-girlfriend..
we said our first i-love-u's..
we are cute but not too cheesy..
i am so happy with him.. i think i finally got it right.. my friends like him, my mom after seeing his photo claims that he looks just like my absent-never -met- him father...
my life right now is all packed into boxes and bags and soon it could restart in our new place with a large roof that we plan on making into our own oasis in the city..
life could be even better if it wasnt for the damn humid heat wave that is Tel Aviv in summer time..
that about it in a nut shell
i am happy!!!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007


had a really good weekend, met his mom, and shes one cool lady!
went to a really good party, then back to his mom, till last train. I'd like to think his mom approves of me even though i don't think he would have to much of a problem if she doesn't, and still..
i think we have our own first privet joke: GMTA, just something that keeps popping up when we chat on msn, so i gave it a short cut: Great Minds Think Alike! or his take on it: Got Me Trembling Again... i like both and mine brings his and it just keeps on happening so its sweet..
i hope we get to see the Apt. tomorrow finally if we could only get out of bed in time..
I'm excited bout the move and a bit scared but its good scared. i cant wait to see it from the inside and check out the view from the balcony, yes the place has a balcony!! just what i have been wishing for ever since i moved out of my first place in TLV.
i have Friday off and maybe he will too, i still don't know what we are going to do but as long as we spend at least some of it together in bed I'm a happy camper...

I'm excited bout us i can admit to myself by now how i feel about him and i can almost say it out loud to friends i want to shout it out for the whole world to know but I'm still unable to say it to him.. i know he can sense it but i want it said too, i don't expect an immediate response i just want it out.. it would be nice to hear him say it too but in his own time, i have given enough hints to my state of mind so i'm sure he knows and its all such thrill full ride!!
i am happy!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

yes yes yes...
i am queen of the world!!!
it all went better than expected and i was asked to move in with him into his new place that he is bound to move into in less than a month..
so happy happy joy joy!!!!
Goddess bless us all!

Monday, June 11, 2007

T time is here, i have come to realize that i can't un-know what i know any more.
i need to face the truth and hope that it wont slap me in the face. i care for him more than i'd want to admit and now it's time to face the music and i am terrified. scared shitless.. don't know how to go about it and i know that i have to do it.
i hope it will go reasonably well and that things will move on to a better future .
and yet its hard to breath hard to think but i'm trying to be optimistic and hope for the best.
i thought a little while back that this might never happen to me again and now i hope my heart wont shatter. he is on his way home, he is getting a promotion at work and hopefully i could add my own promotion to the pot too..
only thing is he isn't coming home alone so i might have to wait some more before i get round to it.. not sure if its a good thing or not but thats the way the cookie crumbles so we shall see how it goes..
my tummie is all cramped and the butterfly's are soaring high..
Goddess save me..

Friday, June 01, 2007

another chunck has fell off my armour

its close now very close, scary close. soon i'll be exposed totally and from there there is no way back, not that i'd regret loosing my Armour just that i got used to it, but i am kind of excited bout it too..
i can't put all the blame on him but he is helping, and it isn't such a painful thing to feel your Armour crumbling all around you, when the way it usually happens with me is through really strong climaxes..
and so yesterday we had a a really good session that left my eyes leaking, i was still afraid to let him see it but he got a hint or two bout it and he seems to be dealing with it just fine..:)

i have been having strange dreams since then, my first ex showed up in my dream after years and i do mean years that i haven't thought of him.. we had some kind of confrontation in my dream but i cant remember over what. and then the other day i dreamed of my last ex (the cook) and again it was a confrontational dream.. i know its all connected somehow, comes together with the Armour breaking down, maybe i am finally letting go?
time will tell.
good night and good luck to us all!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

things are moving further with TT..
we are talking a lot on msn while he's on night shifts and really open candid conversations.
i sometimes dread it and sometimes i cherish it. its so different to anything i experienced before, i can feel i am making progress within myself and with him too..
i avoid as much as i can jumping ahead of myself, fantasizing things which are not there yet or not at all..
i know that i care about him more than i would like to admit but i think thats also natural as we spend so much time together and there is a sort of intimacy between us by now its all inevitable..
i know that he must be feeling some of this too by now, the fear or rejection is probably always going to linger there somewhere in the back but i reign it in mostly..
he told me a while ago that he doesn't know how to be an asshole and only lately it dawned on me what he actually meant, it was reassuring to finally understand but that too came with time.. we talk more freely bout what it is we are doing here and we agreed that defining it is to hinder it so we just move with it as long as we both each others company and the rest of the chips will fall no matter how much fuss is made over them..
there is no rushing things till they are ready to go where ever they need to go or be or not be or what ever,

me telling myself off:
just sit back enjoy the ride, you already admitted to yourself and to him that no matter what happens next you are glad that you met him so where else do you want to go ?
with the sex being this damn amazing and the fact that you get along well out of bed as in it why do you keep insisting on unraveling the magic you cherish so much.. just let it unfold before you
you know he will tell you when he wants out and he is decent enough to tell it straight to your face so damn woman chill!!

and you do realize that all this shit thats going in your head is not yours alone, he must be head fucking himself over this too to some extant at least..
so damn it just Chill Woman!!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

news flash! i was right!

yes indeed , no matter what my friends think they see or have seen into my thing with TT i was right all along in my choice of denial. as i am right. they were wrong. i am happy to be right bout it too. means my instincts are still working!
we had a chat bout it TT and me, on msn. got it all out clear in the open, he wont commit/attach or whatever ATM (At The Moment: his words..) so now that that is out in the open we can just go on having fun like we had before and then some..
i am happy to announce that there have been no butterfly's activity detected after all, i am safe, i could see us having something more but the decision hasn't dropped itself on me like a ton of bricks flown in by troops of butterfly's.. Ha!!

there is something bout him that just gets my juices going! i cant get enough...
i am a happy camper, an inspired camper, this gives me a new place to spread my wings in writing: for the first time.. i wrote erotica.. ;))

on a completely truly different matter, my mom and my brother have put me between them as the mediator on trying to meet both for lunch, they don't communicate by themselves or they bite each other heads off.. i am a bit fed up with this one but i try to talk reason to both of them and try to show each one what it is that stops them from talking.. i am the translator..
it took six sms and two phone calls to pass on the idea of lunch Sunday: from the first idea mom had of going one place and my brother's lack in need of seeing her and going that far for lunch, to the hunt of a place that would work for all.. damn long!

i love them both very much and still its annoying they cant talk to each other like i can with her or with him , openly and a lot, at least with my mom that is. me and my brother have a strange kind of distant relationship, maybe its age difference or maybe all the time both of us spend out of the same country, we are just not that close even though when we do meet we have a good time together, remembered most the time he went out with me and my one before last ex we went out with some friends and had a really good time. first boyfriend my brother could speak Hebrew to... and now that he lives in china, my brother not my ex, every time he is in country we try to meet which off course for my mom is a big deal and a big hassle for my brother.
so lets hope for peace on all fronts.
signing off. over and out.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

well well.. the moment has finally come: i am starting to freak out..
had a girl talk with Gizmo, which i did ask for, it's just that her view on the matter of TT is different to mine and I'm not sure if its not just cause i might not have given her the real picture of things or just as she said i choose the land of denial population: ME, and all this freaking out is unfounded..
i am terrified of thinking there is something more to this than just FB's .
in some dark place i wish for something more out of this as it does seem to lead to something more or just is something more, and in the same time i dread thinking that in case i am totally wrong about it and I'll come out all stupid. she understands perfectly where this fear is coming from and still she thinks it's all in my head. i told her that i know i am choosing the land of denial for now as i really don't want to fuck this up as its fun just the way it is now and i just go with the flow of things and wait to see what will happen next. i have tried asking him in some way but chickened out at the end, so i am not too sure where we stand. i told here that i need to feel a bit more secure bout this before i ask for more. a lot of what she said rings true about here view of the situation and still i am afraid to move forwards with it as in stating what this might be turning in to..
i know that this is more than simple FB's. i wouldn't have a key to his place otherwise, and still my past keeps watching over my shoulder and makes me suspect the responses i get from him, in some place i still dread that this is just a comfortable place for him that he enjoys having me around for the fun of it, that this doesn't mean much more then just that for him, i fear the hatchet coming down on me any second, i try to save myself from heart ache and being rejected for the next in line..
from things he said about how he doesn't attach to people that he can go a long way without attaching to the person he is currently with. the lines were drawn from the start and now i am not sure anymore where those lines lay..
i am also afraid to bring it up again as i am afraid it would end the fun we are having, i don't want to be the one to turn the spotlight on the matter we have been avoiding all this time.
i pull on a brave face and delay it one more day, anyways with the sex being this damn good and distracting me i just avoid doing anything more about it. i want to sit back and enjoy the ride instead of rocking a perfectly good boat.. who can blame me..
things will happen for them selves, and i guess we will eventually talk about this. i just hope it wont be in the aftermath of this whole thing.. but somewhere we could still enjoy it.
yes we are cozy and sticky together, yes we spend a lot of time together, and its not all just sex.. really.
time will tell, at least i got some shit off my chest..

p.s. i can say for sure that i am not feeling any butterfly's of the falling kind, it might be that i am to busy holding on to to them so damn tightly they can't flutter, or they are simply not there yet..

Sunday, April 29, 2007

i did something silly friday, i asked TT to come with me to a shabat dinner at Itch&Rose..
it only occurred to me yesterday what an idiotic idea that was, for the record i did ask him first and he thought it would be amusing, which it was, and still it's such a couple thing to do, maybe its this false sense of security i have or just that everything just seems so easy bout this "not yet definable" thing we have here. so we went and it was fun and yet only yesterday it dawned on me..
it does seem to resemble a relationship and in a way it is in some strange way, still at the end of the day i am as yet more comfortable with the idea that this is a fucking buddy kind of deal, no matter what it might look like to others. we talked bout it a bit the other day online, and I'm still safe guarding myself as much as i can as not to fall into ideas of anything else that might be or might not be happening between us.
i think this might be an evolution of what used to be the old fucking buddy deal. its new and different to what I'm used to have with fucking buddy's(FB's) but i guess we have a good time together to make this thing slightly more cozy then what we are normally used to in this type of situations..
besides that we still seem to have a ball in bed with each other and there is some sense of intimacy between us that is fueling this whatever thing it is we are having together.
we had a talk the other night over the idea of adding another "component" to bed, i had to recoil in fear due to my last episodes with the damn cook, cant handle that as of yet, too painful for now for me to consider, i know that is something he would enjoy and so would i if i wasn't so itchy with the idea, and as i promised myself after the cook never again to compromise my self, especially not for others sake, i gave him a rain check and promised him and myself to consider it again at a later time. i can totally see how much fun it can be as i remember some of those times as a lot of fun, its just all the abuse that was sent my way through those times with the damn cook that i rather pass up the fun for now till i feel like its me who wants this and not just something i do to please my eye candy of the month..
i must say i was in some way dreading that conversation.. i saw it coming a mile away and the only thing that surprised me was that it took that long to come up.
i understand him bringing it up, i would too if i was him, knowing him to be who he is and what we have being a FB's kind of thing..
i have still some insecurity's about what i can offer him in terms of sex, thoughts of not being able to keep him satisfied or challenged enough but i guess that type of insecurity is just part of having whatever it is we are having, and so far i have manged to do some damage control.
we have found other things to spice up the sex and they are a lot of fun(!) i just try to stay on top of things and not over stay my welcome.
time will tell taken in one baby step at a time.
I'll try to keep up dating as i go along.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

TT as in Audi TT..

sit back enjoy the ride, but don't dare fall in love with it, you can not afford too!!
thats what i have been doing for a while.. TT, i know i made some life changing decision, but i could not resist the the temptation upon meeting TT. so while the "thing" TT and i have is fun and a lot of fun i need to add..
i knew what i was getting myself into. i know what are the TT's weakness and i have become quite familiar with his strengths.. so a "thing" is what I'll call it and see where it would take TT and me next..
And on other fronts: school starts again next week (wax carving..), not really sure how i'm going to pay for it but Arik promised me he will chip in and the rest.. well I'll come up with it somehow, somehow being the key word...
haven't been much to my place lately and that includes my pub too.. i have a feeling they might miss me.. at least i hope they do.. but thats the thing again with TT you don't seem to find anything better then taking it for another and another ride.. when every time is even more exciting than the one before you just want more and more.. who could blame me?
the TT doesn't seem to mind my joyriding so I'm not going to be the one to stay stop at least not yet..
and if it ain't broken..
asprine seems to be having his share of joyriding too.. hooray asprine!! in his back side of the world..
while the rest of them safe gray boxes people pile themselves to and from work.. others like us go joyriding.. just the way it should be!!
till next time..
i know its short but hey thats all i have for now..
keep that damn motor on babe!!

Sunday, April 01, 2007

the next day..

i have been doing alot of thinking and talking with mom about the contents of my last post, i still stand by it and am happy and kinda proud of my writing, besides the issues brought up in it i am proud of the way i deliverd it. i believe i am getting better at this. and still some things don't ring clear enough for me i think that some of them are still cloudy, maybe that is because i still can't see the whole picture, maybe the dust has not setteld as of yet, i am unsure of the cause and it bothers me. not the "not knowing" as such as i know that i will never really know for sure, that is part of the learning experience, its the honing of better writing, of finding the right words and phrases thats still elude me. i know i am geting better at this i know that because i read alot of books in English enriches my use of words and discriptions of my mantel states to be better understood by me and by those who read me, and still i find myself troubled by my lack of a richer vocabulaery.
the day will come when i will find my freedome in English. i try from time to time to express myself in Hebrew but there too i seem to lack all the words i need to express myself fully as i still think in English most of the time, all due to the time spent away from Israel. i try to read more Hebrew to get better and more fluent in that old languagh(sory for the type o' i do hate that too..).

i have come to realise after talking with mom about all i wrote in that last post that no matter how late and/or how obvious it might seem to those around me, untill i won't feel whole within there is no chance that anybody will be able to fill the void within me. no matter how hard i try to find my "other-half" he/she will allways be lacking as i need to find myself whole and therefor happy before i could be happy with what they have to offer me and therfor be happy together, two whole people sharing an experience together. that is my new goal in life, finding within myself my missing picecs of the puzzel that will make me whole within myself and offer a better healthier version to the outside world and aid me on my quest for happiness, i hope to find my freedome in setting my dreams in motion, my freedome and my own style that could carry my art to higher levels and hopefully towards some sort of sucsses and therefor having the abilty to live off my art and not compormise at all sort of sales jobs helping and serving people who have lesser ideas on personal style (no matter if that is the only way ends meet and i am able to pay the rent due to those mundane jobs i dont have to really like them or the people i help). as even though that is what i do, i try whenever i can to inspire them to make more enlightend choices and sometimes i can recomande something i truely do like and not just what happens to be trendy or hip or whatever at that point in time.
i allways have the same argument with my boss that there is no way to sucseed without becoming comersale. he claims there is no other way to do it. i say that he sold his soul too long ago to remember what its like to have one. he says i am naive, we are both right in our own ways. i dont wish to be obceanly rich, i want to make my art work for me and be alowed the freedome to make what i want and what i like to a smal but stylish crowd who doesn't want to be seen wearing what everybody else does. i want to have the freedome even if tight to make my dream come true and have a small studio of my own where people who know of it gather and share their life in some way or another. i don't want to be known all over the world. i want to stay underground and be me. i know that without the mainstream i won't be as unique as i know i am, i know that without H.Stren and the like i won't have my own place in this world but i have dreams of my own select crowd who can appreciate what i have to offer in small and very stylish amounts to set them apart from the rest of the people in the street. i want to carve myself a little piece of heaven here in this world and share it with those on the same quest as i am on who are outside the box and feel comfortable there like me.
every now and then i bump into my future costumers, sometimes we are both aware of it sometimes its just me or just them and i hope that we shall bump into each other again in the future too.

Friday, March 30, 2007

i dont know where to start..

so much has happned since i last been here, i'm not sure where to begin, but i'll give you the punch line first: i am happier than i have been in a long while. thanks to many dear friends of mine and off course thanks to me finding me and likeing me better.

well now that that is out of the way i'll try to compose this in an inteligable manner... last time i was here i was fruastrated with Andy's and his like. since then i have seen Walls (the thing that happnes to you when you find great chemistry with a certine unavilable guy who totally rocks your world or to be more accurate the world between your legs..and thank you dear Alli for wording it in such a prcise way! i love you!). with the Wall's guy i initiated my Second Home and did it in the toilets on our second and last encounter, and we shall keep the sweet memorys and laugh about it next time we meet as we have ever since.
then there was Brown who pointed out something to me in his own special way which is part of the reason we won't share bed again but are on the brink of becoming good enlightend friends..
Brown has pointed me into a diferent direction than what i was used to looking or more where i didn't dare look for a really long time: the person i have discarded at the side of the road a long long time ago, upon discovering sex and mens affactions.. me.
and that is a hard truth to swallow (no pun intended..). with all the issues i have with my non-exsitant father, that in some way or other drove me to seek men's attantion in the only way i knew of, all the heart ach with not understanding them and thinking that by flinging myself or more like it: my body at them, i thought i could find what i have been missing all my life. this unattainable love and affection from my absent father: the first man most little girl sharp their teeth and nails to prepare them on how to deal with the other species or in short men's attantion. yes i was young, and yes i was sexsually aware at a young age and hey it seemed to work, they paid me attantion the only way they knew how, they were surely not aware of the harm they might be causing me or the fact that i allowed them to cause me harm, i didnt know any better either.
i don't regret my encounters as many as there were, i learned alot of things about life and men i won't wish on young girls but hey that was my life and i made it into what it was . i don't blame my mom for her lifes choices, Godess knows she has always done what she thought was best for me and hopefully for her aswell. i know there is nothing i truley regret about my life, it brought me to where i am right now and i am proud of myself (most days) for who i am and what i have acomplished. but i also know that to find that true happiness i seek for oh-so-long i need to go about it in a slightly diferent way because i know better now. i know what i want and i know what i don't want and i know that to find what i want i need to make peace with myself, with the little girl that was left behind and with the one who took on the world by storm and thinks that pulling guys at bars everyother night is the way to find that happiness and also with the one that knows better than that, the one who woke up last friday morning by a poor by-stander who wished to be let out, the same one she knew was a bad idea to take home with her the night before, even before she did it and while doing it and also the next morning when she felt empty and hollow and and hated herself for giving in to her vicess just because it was easier to go with the moves and not think about it or actually hide behind those moves as they hide the awafull truth from you by blinding you with fleshy delights but leave a really bad taste in your mouth afterwards(again no pun intended no matter how fiiting of an end that would have been..).

so that next morning upon waking to let the poor guy go i reached out and asked for help from the one person i could think of who was sensetive to the problem except myself and the one i could trust to help me in that particular moment: Brown. one sms and back to sleep to later be woken up by my "wake-up-call" we met at the beach we talked some and he did his special voodoo on me, i saw myself then for real for the first time in a long while, i reconected with myself, i saw images that made me realise where i last lost my little girl-self and where we could all go if we joined forcess and make changes and amandes with eachother.
afterwards Brown and me went to have a beer on a sunny friday afternoon, a few actually, and it was one of the most fun and beautyfull days i have had in a long time, i earned it.

sunday was hard for me, i begun to understand what needs to be done and how much i have lost touch with myself, how i let my habits run the show in my name and how much work its still going to take to get me where i want to be. but i was productive, and inspired and blessed. i rewarded myself by creating something new for myself: a new crown of ice to adorne my neck and fill me with strong pure energy. i have also started a new venture of breaking my habbits and i am (dear me i never thought i would say it:) abstaining sex for a while (there i said it Godess give me strngth.. and help keep a straight face on my friends while they read this..).
so now i find myself more inspired than ever and i'm not sure its a true side effect or just the bonus cherry on top, but i hope my muse will stay with me and give me better reasons for staying up till the wee hours of the night.
i have had steamy dreams where i tell my self off while having them so i know my conviction is strong (kind of a bummer at times but hey no one ever said it was going to be easy..)
i started painting again, one of the best side effects so far :))
and thanks to Itch Godess bless him, my curtains are finally hanging and so is my rice paper lamp, showering my room in bright white light giving my room an even newer and fresher feeling! kind of like how i feel too.
i offered viewing options to this blog to a few more people and hopefully they would still like me after reading all of this stuff. so do feel free to tease me about it next time you see me i'll understand and enjoy and join it as Godess knows: a sense of humore is the best way to deal with all this akward intimate moments and ones own failings in life, so bring it on!

Saturday, February 24, 2007

its old news but its still bugging me so i'm just going to say more about it: this Andy bullshit is still really anoying me, coming over like that being all vague, not saying anything bout this stuff that has happened. i mean he knows he has an effect on me! i know he is still not willing to comitte to anything and yet its so damn confusing being on the reciving end..
i know i would have liked to take it furthur and if i thought there was half the chance something could actually happen there i would go for it..or know what the hell he's thinking i wont be hanging on air again.
i can only hope that by now he might have read what i wrote him and hopefully not much more than that. after getting access to my entire confused stream of thoughts, it was a risk giving him the adress to this blog but i didnt seem to find any other way to be heard, and now this. i just dont get it anymore, what is the point?
you want something ? you dont want something? just grow up and make up your mind..
dont keep me hanging. by now i could have just let it all go and forgot about it (with time).i know i had this feeling that it wasnt over yet but i was hoping that next time we met there would be some kind of a conclusion.. not more confuison..
i can understand if he is still confused and still in some remote way intrested but damn it..
my boss told him while at my shop(thanks Arik!) that no matter how many women he might meet he will never find another as special as me and he said he knows i am diffrent and unique. but that still dont do me shit unless he would actually do something about it.. i have been strong enough so far not initiating any contact and i am keeping that resolve but damn it! ppl who heard about it were sure he was going to call me up this weekend and that has not happend yet and probably wont happen still.
am i the only one who finds this to be totally fruastrating, or do we at least share that feeling.. me knowing what i want but not willing to make more of a fool of my self over it and him not knowing what to do about it so he does nothing more then that freaky surprise visit..
knowing that he will be in tel aviv every sunday now for his damn course isn't making any better for me either.. i need to get some distarctions from this whoel bullshit situation..
as there is still a good chance i will punch him in the face next time i see him..
i'm looking farwards to going back to TA, new hair cut to show off, friends to see, drinks to be had..
all the things that make a girl happy..
i want to meet up with Rose&Itch, share the whole shocking expiriance with my new friends and get it totally analized by the ppl who have been with me through the whole thing, i know i can trust them to give me insight on the whole thing that i dont see, Itch could give me some male sharp view of the matter and Rose with her silence will then jump in and make the final cut. hard truths are hard to come by these days.. just the other day me and Rose were talking bout all sorts and i was stating that i was about over him, that if he would have stuck around a bit longer he would have broken my heart.. then she goes: are you sure he hadn't? (ouch!) and i think still that he hasnt. then the next day he shows up.. so i am really looking farwards to talking with them, hear some other ppl's wisdome..

its nice to finally have more ppl around to share your life with, till a little while back i was not totally friendless but most of them were away in amstredam or not my friends but my ex's (dragon not cheff aka cook). i kind of miss him now, dragon that is, even had the wild iresponssible notion of giving him a booty call but i know better than that and i wont..
now i'm building up my family of friends i can go to and get my comfort zone and enjoy their company and envy their stable love life and strive to have one of my own.

had a good long chat online with Ironman, he's far away on his travels and we kind of regret not getting something going when we had the chance, remenicing on old times and sharing privet jokes. heart warming and sad at the same time.. he is going through some life changes now and is in some way i gues is looking forwards to going back home to start his life again, and yet there is still 5 more months of travling to be had for him, maybe by the time he gets back he'll get most of his internal change done which might make coming back easier or not.. i envy him at times for the travels and adventures he is going on.. i know he has totally earned them... after five long years study and heart ache he desrves it more than anyone.. i just miss him teribly..

lets wish me a really great week, purim is coming up next weekend.. i am going to be a pirate again, maybe this time i'll also get a better purim party than last year.. another thing to look farwards too.. that and maybe a new drinking buddy if he'll manage not to disapoint me and actually show up.. who knows what else life has instore for me for this week..

with a whole bucket of optimisem i'll sign off till next time..

Friday, February 23, 2007

news flash...

so when i thought it was just bout over, that i can start getting over "new-guy" he decides to show up at my work today totally out of the blue, shocked me completely.. was glad my boss was there to make sure i wont drop anything thing and act semi normal..
have no idea what brought the idea to his mind that left me completely dumb founded.. not a thing that happenes to me: me speechless...(all my new friends choking on their meal when they hear i was never this verbal before.. apperently i wont shut up unless am asleep..).

so he shows up, i'm totaly shocked, he acts normally talks with my boss and is all friendly while i try to recall how to breath without hyper vantilating.. not very elagant of me i must add..
we chit chat about mostly nothing, in my head all this questions keep screaming to be asked and i have no clue where to start..

to those of you who are not in the "know" i kind of ambushed him in his home town about three weeks ago, it didnt go well (DUH!!) and i havent heard from him since, the "dear Andy" post was my way of dealing with what has happend and i have to say i was a goodgirl and havent initiated contact till he showed up in the shop today.. that should explain my shock and surprise..

now that we are all updated i can go back to ranting.. here i go here i go here i here i go:
so i got off work, asked him what's he doing now? he said he is wandering bout and needs to be somewhere round some time, so he came with me to a friends shop and we are still chit chating on the way i try to hide my confusion as best as i can, and am glad to hear he is making progress in his life: he signed up for some digital study thingy, and he is trying to find a place in tel aviv, he seems to be more relaxed and even smiles more.. which is a good thing. i am actually really proud of him.. i asked him if he read the post that was ment for him and he says he hasnt got around to it yet and he wil try this weekend..( i think in my twisted mind would he still have come if he would have read it..?) kind of pissed that he hasnt yet, but its there so he actually might now..? i walk him to his bus useing up all the time this surprise visit will allow me as i have no idea when i shall see him again.. i find out that he's actually staying over in tel aviv for the night and i am heading to my mom for the weekend which is where i am at right now..

bottom line: i am more confused than ever and i promised myself i wil not initiate contact and let him make his moves or not.. i will learn to be patient the really hard way...
here goes nothing.. wish me luck i so need it now..

Sunday, February 18, 2007

well as i should have known there was no response from dear Andy, so i'll try ando stop waiting. just drop the matter for at least a good long while till i'll get fed up with it and check up on him..

after the honesty buissnes is out of the way we can move on to the useall ranting of the above-avarge-single-girl about town.. in two words: it sucks!
its truelly anoying to know that you are looking for something and/or someone while trying your hands at this whole "goining out" hoping something remotley intresting might come out of it.
as it is that obvius for everyone with a pair of eyes in their heads that you are "looking" which kind of cramps your non-chalante style " i'm just here having fun with friends-being queen of cool- am not in any way searching for someone to pluck me of my feet-offer a night of magic..."

i mean i know both sides are searching, and i know that there is something about me that intimidates men, so when i make the move before they got around to find the last location of thier lost balls, they are just not ready or willing to play ball with me(pun very much intended..).
so after a weekend of actually going out i can say: 1- going out with my best (male) friend is fun but the men dont seem to catch up on the totally platonice vibe going on and are not even trying. 2. going out with my best (female)girlfriend is fun too but we need to plan our outing better and try and target a place where our presence will be better noticed and appriciated..

i want to be adored and admired while out and about town!!

so all you men out there here is your new mission in life: lift yourselvs from the mundane and try something new it will change your whole view on life, try something diffrent it just might surprise you..

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Dear Andy

now after the deed was done and the dust(at least on my side) has setteled, i can look at it and make some conclusions: i am ahead of my time, eaons ahead when it comes to you. for some reason the day we met you jumped out of your shell and were someone you are still not ready to be. ever since then you have been running fast to find your safe zone again. deep inside your shell. no wonder we don't seem to understand each other so well anymore, as i still reacte to that person i met that night and you are no longer there. i don't want to complecate your life anymore then what you have so far, i don't want to impose or ask for things you are not ready to give. i know you won't agree with most of what i have written here and that's ok each to his own: ideas and thoughts alike..
i know i saw alot of potential in you that first time we met and in our time afterwards, i stll see it in you now!
you can disagree: i see things diffrently than you do. i know you have a lot to offer and i know you need your own time and your own speed to share them with the world. i believe that you will find the courage to come out one day and hopefully the reality of life won't slap you in the face straight away but will give you a chance to build some kind of armour to gaurd your sensetive self from the worst of it. i hope that life will treat you well, that you will find your freedome to be yourself and happy with what you are, as after all even though i made a really shitty job at it all i ever wanted for you was to be happy.
hopefully by then you won't be as confused as to why someone you just met might be so intrested in your well being and care about your happiness. in a diffrent place and a diffrent time you might see my coming over unannonced wasn't such a frightning thing to happen and might even be flatterd by it (i know i would have been).
i really do wish you all the best , wish you happiness and joy out of life. maybe one day you'd look me up and we could just laugh about it and maybe you won't. i shall miss you all the same.
good luck to you sweety, and thank you for a truely wonderfull time!

Sunday, January 21, 2007

well well...
what can i say now that i am wiser to the whole new guy thing situation, i called him we talked for the shortest time till now.. had to ask some hard and heavy questions.. got me some answers, i should be happy as they are not totally bad but i'm not as they were not what i really wanted to hear even though they were honest, he brought up the dreadfull pltonic issue which was in some way scarier than total rejection but i guess he just needs more time to get to know me. maybe if its actually meant to be we would walk together towards some sunset..
right now i at least know where i stand, i know he likes me and is happy that he met me(his words) but he doesnt know if he is ready for a realtionship.. we are still going to see eachother maybe even this week, we are still going to stay in touch and if i'll stop getting ahead of myself and let off the pressure, something might come out of it.. (my words).
the hard bit will of course be for me not to get ahead of myself and settel for what is actually on offer and bite my time, maybe something else will come my way maybe i'll get over this thing and maybe just get my heart broken..
maybe some starnge sort of friendship will come out of it, i'll learn something new and make another step farward towards a better future..
lack of patince was allways one of my vices.. maybe i'll get better at that too..

i'm trying to think if this whole thing would have been easier for me if we hadnt end up in bed on the first night we met, or is it a good thing i at least got a taste of what he is capable of
jury is still out on that one..
i guess i will be fine with it as long as i am not aware of him fancying anyother girl. that would be probably too hard for me to handel right now and also in the near future...
time will tell..
fraustrating Time allways has the last say in these matters.. and as it seems that one thing i have learned from my past that the ones who have been into me from the start have turned out to be no good for me then maybe this will prove to be diffrent.
the knowledge i have of actually wanting something like love and a realtionship, a good healthy realtionship, doesnt necceserly brings the things to your door step in the most obvious ways. the fact that i know something good is going to happen to me can be confusing when you meet ppl who seem to fit the bill when you first meet them..
i have alas no choice but to bite my time and sit back and wait.. damn but i hate that bit but its the one thing i do need to learn.. and so it seems that i will..
with these thoughts i shall sign off and hope for a good productive week.. i do have one great thing i know will happen this week to look forward to.. my new tattoo!!
good night to all and may your dreams and mine come true..

Saturday, January 20, 2007

new day new fraustrations..

talked with new guy thing for two hr yesterday and except the fear of runing out of things to talk about and him finding out i'm not that exciting as i might have seemed to be and hiding back in his shell, it seems that he is conflicted (his words) on the subject of should we talk about what we are doing or not. which kind of puts a cork in my bottle of never ending angels on what we have as my insecuritys just keep on poping up no matter where i look..
i told him that i wanted to see him again mentioned the weekend and heard him freak out..
i wish i could have some time together not on the phone with out the having to go to work and stuff.. just some unlimited time so i could try and maybe ask some questions i kindda need answered like does he even like me as i really am totally clueless as to where i stand..
i keep on wondering if it was some kind of a one time thing and i am now labeled as an out spoken kind of platonic girl he just listens too and not much more.. i am freaked out out him as i know i'm hooked i like him and afraid of getting my heart tangeled on a fruitless tree..
it seems i do all the talking and when we talk on the phone and as i'm so afraid of freaking him out and making him run away from me too soon i try not to confront him too much its so fraustrating..
i asked him last night if there were any actuall ruels of engagment when it comes to this tea and cake stuff that i should follow as all this unknowen stuff is hindering me and he didnt know what to say we both seem to be hanging on air..
i wish that we could just talk person to person not with this phone thing but just some time for just the two of us to see what is this thing we have, do we actually have something?
i am doing better on this holding back thing i think. only sent him one sms today a really short one didnt freak out too much for still not having a response but i might just be avoiding the inevitable.. i know this things are most of the time this unclear its part of their so called magic.
he said he might be in TA sunday or monday to do some stuff and i just hope to maybe bump into him or have him actually come and see me, i had my fantasies of having a long weekend with him but i am frightened to offer as it seems to scare him, so i just droped the idea and told him to just consider it with out having to actually say if he wanted too or not. thats kindda of hard for me too as i have this need to plan my week ahead of time as to have something to look farwards too, but with him i cant i can only wish that he might think it would be a good idea to see me again too and maybe do something about it..

food break i shell be back..

Friday, January 19, 2007

tea and cake kindda suck..

so yeah i met someone new and exciting and i think my lesson to learn here to start from is patienc..
it's hard and anoying most of the time but as i do think he's worth it i'm grinding my teeth and pulling through somehow, got me creative all this holding back thing got me making a whole brand new chainmail braclet yesterday while grinding my teeth not picking up the phone as not freak him out, i belive he's really worth it so i'm doing my best. that is also the reason i'm not going to share so much info about him at least not yet as he is kind of shy and doesnt feel to comfortable with it, so all you avid readers of mine(ha!) will have to wait and see and hope to godds like me i wont fuck it up..

on the updating buissness as i just stoped myself from sharing anymore info concerning my new thing..
its been almost a year since i started writing this blog and so much has happened this year its kind of exciting and dramatic in many ways.. i have been going on some wild roler coastr of evolution with myself i seem to have reached so many insights an revelations on what and why i tic a certin way compared to others on how much progress i have made and how much more i still have to learn its scary and exciting just like how i feel bout this new thing..
iron man has left for another of his great travels in the worst time for me(only kidding dear just read your mail box and you could grin back at you your screen saying bitch ass..!) anyway so i am heading in the right direction and i must addmit with some trepedition that the intense new thing i wished my self is just around the corner.. new thing guy when meeting him and spending some time with him seemed like someone was reading over my shoulder when i made a silly little list of what i wanted to find in my next guy i meet and he fits the bil in so many ways its frightning.. guess my sacrafice for making it work will be learning to hold back and being patint and a potential for a siriusly broken heart... yeah i know but i guess that is one of the ways to learn and its an important lesson to learn...wish me luck i'll probably need it..knowing me.. again iron man is smiling wickedly to himself glad i could finally pick up on his logic... he reminds me so much of you dearest ironman..
i want to say so much on the matter of this new guy thing but i know i shouldnt its annoying, i'm biting my tounge constantly grinding my teeth and pushing on with the tea and cake settelmant we kindda came to as so i wont frighten him away.. and to think that i thought i could find solace in my own damn blog but no i'm sirious bout this tea and cake stuff.. i shall make it work.. somehow..

so updating stuff.. hmm... well been to a henry rollins spoken word show!! was really good (was also where i met the guy so cant really go there..
oh i know! my b-day! now that was truelly amazing had the time of my life loads of laughs went round but you had to e there so its not that much to tell.. i am 29.. thats kinnda new..not precisly where i hoped to be ut yeah its been a funny year..

funny year indeed.. read some of my postes from the time i was with the cook.. aguh.. its amazing how perspectives can change.. that was one important lesson in digusting.. i cant say that i cant belive i was actually with him but it does turn my stumec in the worst way posiable reading that stuff.. the way things turned from bad to worst after i ran away.. how much reality was slapped in my face bout where i was and with who i was.. that is one lesson i hope to goddes and goddesess i have learned.. damn but did things turned ugly after i cut him off my money.. ridiculess that might sound but damn true.. really sad truth.. how ugly ppl can turn when you set yourself free of their greedy reach and i do not mean the money ...damn... that is one tale i would really dread sharing with new guy thing.. i would run away from me screaming after that tale...

i must share some items of intrest concerning him in a round about way.. we talked on the phone for hours.. and i do mean hours.. 4 hr the first time 2hr the next day.. alot more the second time we were together.. i know i might be falling for him its spookey.. i know that with all the hardship it can bring: falling for someone like him might bring i would still do it without flinching knowing heart break is just around the corner and still so is an amazing love story and i am after all an optimisic little girl..

i'll sign off for now but i'll keep you avid readers in the loop as much as i can..