Saturday, February 24, 2007

its old news but its still bugging me so i'm just going to say more about it: this Andy bullshit is still really anoying me, coming over like that being all vague, not saying anything bout this stuff that has happened. i mean he knows he has an effect on me! i know he is still not willing to comitte to anything and yet its so damn confusing being on the reciving end..
i know i would have liked to take it furthur and if i thought there was half the chance something could actually happen there i would go for it..or know what the hell he's thinking i wont be hanging on air again.
i can only hope that by now he might have read what i wrote him and hopefully not much more than that. after getting access to my entire confused stream of thoughts, it was a risk giving him the adress to this blog but i didnt seem to find any other way to be heard, and now this. i just dont get it anymore, what is the point?
you want something ? you dont want something? just grow up and make up your mind..
dont keep me hanging. by now i could have just let it all go and forgot about it (with time).i know i had this feeling that it wasnt over yet but i was hoping that next time we met there would be some kind of a conclusion.. not more confuison..
i can understand if he is still confused and still in some remote way intrested but damn it..
my boss told him while at my shop(thanks Arik!) that no matter how many women he might meet he will never find another as special as me and he said he knows i am diffrent and unique. but that still dont do me shit unless he would actually do something about it.. i have been strong enough so far not initiating any contact and i am keeping that resolve but damn it! ppl who heard about it were sure he was going to call me up this weekend and that has not happend yet and probably wont happen still.
am i the only one who finds this to be totally fruastrating, or do we at least share that feeling.. me knowing what i want but not willing to make more of a fool of my self over it and him not knowing what to do about it so he does nothing more then that freaky surprise visit..
knowing that he will be in tel aviv every sunday now for his damn course isn't making any better for me either.. i need to get some distarctions from this whoel bullshit situation..
as there is still a good chance i will punch him in the face next time i see him..
i'm looking farwards to going back to TA, new hair cut to show off, friends to see, drinks to be had..
all the things that make a girl happy..
i want to meet up with Rose&Itch, share the whole shocking expiriance with my new friends and get it totally analized by the ppl who have been with me through the whole thing, i know i can trust them to give me insight on the whole thing that i dont see, Itch could give me some male sharp view of the matter and Rose with her silence will then jump in and make the final cut. hard truths are hard to come by these days.. just the other day me and Rose were talking bout all sorts and i was stating that i was about over him, that if he would have stuck around a bit longer he would have broken my heart.. then she goes: are you sure he hadn't? (ouch!) and i think still that he hasnt. then the next day he shows up.. so i am really looking farwards to talking with them, hear some other ppl's wisdome..

its nice to finally have more ppl around to share your life with, till a little while back i was not totally friendless but most of them were away in amstredam or not my friends but my ex's (dragon not cheff aka cook). i kind of miss him now, dragon that is, even had the wild iresponssible notion of giving him a booty call but i know better than that and i wont..
now i'm building up my family of friends i can go to and get my comfort zone and enjoy their company and envy their stable love life and strive to have one of my own.

had a good long chat online with Ironman, he's far away on his travels and we kind of regret not getting something going when we had the chance, remenicing on old times and sharing privet jokes. heart warming and sad at the same time.. he is going through some life changes now and is in some way i gues is looking forwards to going back home to start his life again, and yet there is still 5 more months of travling to be had for him, maybe by the time he gets back he'll get most of his internal change done which might make coming back easier or not.. i envy him at times for the travels and adventures he is going on.. i know he has totally earned them... after five long years study and heart ache he desrves it more than anyone.. i just miss him teribly..

lets wish me a really great week, purim is coming up next weekend.. i am going to be a pirate again, maybe this time i'll also get a better purim party than last year.. another thing to look farwards too.. that and maybe a new drinking buddy if he'll manage not to disapoint me and actually show up.. who knows what else life has instore for me for this week..

with a whole bucket of optimisem i'll sign off till next time..

Friday, February 23, 2007

news flash...

so when i thought it was just bout over, that i can start getting over "new-guy" he decides to show up at my work today totally out of the blue, shocked me completely.. was glad my boss was there to make sure i wont drop anything thing and act semi normal..
have no idea what brought the idea to his mind that left me completely dumb founded.. not a thing that happenes to me: me speechless...(all my new friends choking on their meal when they hear i was never this verbal before.. apperently i wont shut up unless am asleep..).

so he shows up, i'm totaly shocked, he acts normally talks with my boss and is all friendly while i try to recall how to breath without hyper vantilating.. not very elagant of me i must add..
we chit chat about mostly nothing, in my head all this questions keep screaming to be asked and i have no clue where to start..

to those of you who are not in the "know" i kind of ambushed him in his home town about three weeks ago, it didnt go well (DUH!!) and i havent heard from him since, the "dear Andy" post was my way of dealing with what has happend and i have to say i was a goodgirl and havent initiated contact till he showed up in the shop today.. that should explain my shock and surprise..

now that we are all updated i can go back to ranting.. here i go here i go here i here i go:
so i got off work, asked him what's he doing now? he said he is wandering bout and needs to be somewhere round some time, so he came with me to a friends shop and we are still chit chating on the way i try to hide my confusion as best as i can, and am glad to hear he is making progress in his life: he signed up for some digital study thingy, and he is trying to find a place in tel aviv, he seems to be more relaxed and even smiles more.. which is a good thing. i am actually really proud of him.. i asked him if he read the post that was ment for him and he says he hasnt got around to it yet and he wil try this weekend..( i think in my twisted mind would he still have come if he would have read it..?) kind of pissed that he hasnt yet, but its there so he actually might now..? i walk him to his bus useing up all the time this surprise visit will allow me as i have no idea when i shall see him again.. i find out that he's actually staying over in tel aviv for the night and i am heading to my mom for the weekend which is where i am at right now..

bottom line: i am more confused than ever and i promised myself i wil not initiate contact and let him make his moves or not.. i will learn to be patient the really hard way...
here goes nothing.. wish me luck i so need it now..

Sunday, February 18, 2007

well as i should have known there was no response from dear Andy, so i'll try ando stop waiting. just drop the matter for at least a good long while till i'll get fed up with it and check up on him..

after the honesty buissnes is out of the way we can move on to the useall ranting of the above-avarge-single-girl about town.. in two words: it sucks!
its truelly anoying to know that you are looking for something and/or someone while trying your hands at this whole "goining out" hoping something remotley intresting might come out of it.
as it is that obvius for everyone with a pair of eyes in their heads that you are "looking" which kind of cramps your non-chalante style " i'm just here having fun with friends-being queen of cool- am not in any way searching for someone to pluck me of my feet-offer a night of magic..."

i mean i know both sides are searching, and i know that there is something about me that intimidates men, so when i make the move before they got around to find the last location of thier lost balls, they are just not ready or willing to play ball with me(pun very much intended..).
so after a weekend of actually going out i can say: 1- going out with my best (male) friend is fun but the men dont seem to catch up on the totally platonice vibe going on and are not even trying. 2. going out with my best (female)girlfriend is fun too but we need to plan our outing better and try and target a place where our presence will be better noticed and appriciated..

i want to be adored and admired while out and about town!!

so all you men out there here is your new mission in life: lift yourselvs from the mundane and try something new it will change your whole view on life, try something diffrent it just might surprise you..

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Dear Andy

now after the deed was done and the dust(at least on my side) has setteled, i can look at it and make some conclusions: i am ahead of my time, eaons ahead when it comes to you. for some reason the day we met you jumped out of your shell and were someone you are still not ready to be. ever since then you have been running fast to find your safe zone again. deep inside your shell. no wonder we don't seem to understand each other so well anymore, as i still reacte to that person i met that night and you are no longer there. i don't want to complecate your life anymore then what you have so far, i don't want to impose or ask for things you are not ready to give. i know you won't agree with most of what i have written here and that's ok each to his own: ideas and thoughts alike..
i know i saw alot of potential in you that first time we met and in our time afterwards, i stll see it in you now!
you can disagree: i see things diffrently than you do. i know you have a lot to offer and i know you need your own time and your own speed to share them with the world. i believe that you will find the courage to come out one day and hopefully the reality of life won't slap you in the face straight away but will give you a chance to build some kind of armour to gaurd your sensetive self from the worst of it. i hope that life will treat you well, that you will find your freedome to be yourself and happy with what you are, as after all even though i made a really shitty job at it all i ever wanted for you was to be happy.
hopefully by then you won't be as confused as to why someone you just met might be so intrested in your well being and care about your happiness. in a diffrent place and a diffrent time you might see my coming over unannonced wasn't such a frightning thing to happen and might even be flatterd by it (i know i would have been).
i really do wish you all the best , wish you happiness and joy out of life. maybe one day you'd look me up and we could just laugh about it and maybe you won't. i shall miss you all the same.
good luck to you sweety, and thank you for a truely wonderfull time!