Thursday, May 24, 2007

things are moving further with TT..
we are talking a lot on msn while he's on night shifts and really open candid conversations.
i sometimes dread it and sometimes i cherish it. its so different to anything i experienced before, i can feel i am making progress within myself and with him too..
i avoid as much as i can jumping ahead of myself, fantasizing things which are not there yet or not at all..
i know that i care about him more than i would like to admit but i think thats also natural as we spend so much time together and there is a sort of intimacy between us by now its all inevitable..
i know that he must be feeling some of this too by now, the fear or rejection is probably always going to linger there somewhere in the back but i reign it in mostly..
he told me a while ago that he doesn't know how to be an asshole and only lately it dawned on me what he actually meant, it was reassuring to finally understand but that too came with time.. we talk more freely bout what it is we are doing here and we agreed that defining it is to hinder it so we just move with it as long as we both each others company and the rest of the chips will fall no matter how much fuss is made over them..
there is no rushing things till they are ready to go where ever they need to go or be or not be or what ever,

me telling myself off:
just sit back enjoy the ride, you already admitted to yourself and to him that no matter what happens next you are glad that you met him so where else do you want to go ?
with the sex being this damn amazing and the fact that you get along well out of bed as in it why do you keep insisting on unraveling the magic you cherish so much.. just let it unfold before you
you know he will tell you when he wants out and he is decent enough to tell it straight to your face so damn woman chill!!

and you do realize that all this shit thats going in your head is not yours alone, he must be head fucking himself over this too to some extant at least..
so damn it just Chill Woman!!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

news flash! i was right!

yes indeed , no matter what my friends think they see or have seen into my thing with TT i was right all along in my choice of denial. as i am right. they were wrong. i am happy to be right bout it too. means my instincts are still working!
we had a chat bout it TT and me, on msn. got it all out clear in the open, he wont commit/attach or whatever ATM (At The Moment: his words..) so now that that is out in the open we can just go on having fun like we had before and then some..
i am happy to announce that there have been no butterfly's activity detected after all, i am safe, i could see us having something more but the decision hasn't dropped itself on me like a ton of bricks flown in by troops of butterfly's.. Ha!!

there is something bout him that just gets my juices going! i cant get enough...
i am a happy camper, an inspired camper, this gives me a new place to spread my wings in writing: for the first time.. i wrote erotica.. ;))

on a completely truly different matter, my mom and my brother have put me between them as the mediator on trying to meet both for lunch, they don't communicate by themselves or they bite each other heads off.. i am a bit fed up with this one but i try to talk reason to both of them and try to show each one what it is that stops them from talking.. i am the translator..
it took six sms and two phone calls to pass on the idea of lunch Sunday: from the first idea mom had of going one place and my brother's lack in need of seeing her and going that far for lunch, to the hunt of a place that would work for all.. damn long!

i love them both very much and still its annoying they cant talk to each other like i can with her or with him , openly and a lot, at least with my mom that is. me and my brother have a strange kind of distant relationship, maybe its age difference or maybe all the time both of us spend out of the same country, we are just not that close even though when we do meet we have a good time together, remembered most the time he went out with me and my one before last ex we went out with some friends and had a really good time. first boyfriend my brother could speak Hebrew to... and now that he lives in china, my brother not my ex, every time he is in country we try to meet which off course for my mom is a big deal and a big hassle for my brother.
so lets hope for peace on all fronts.
signing off. over and out.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

well well.. the moment has finally come: i am starting to freak out..
had a girl talk with Gizmo, which i did ask for, it's just that her view on the matter of TT is different to mine and I'm not sure if its not just cause i might not have given her the real picture of things or just as she said i choose the land of denial population: ME, and all this freaking out is unfounded..
i am terrified of thinking there is something more to this than just FB's .
in some dark place i wish for something more out of this as it does seem to lead to something more or just is something more, and in the same time i dread thinking that in case i am totally wrong about it and I'll come out all stupid. she understands perfectly where this fear is coming from and still she thinks it's all in my head. i told her that i know i am choosing the land of denial for now as i really don't want to fuck this up as its fun just the way it is now and i just go with the flow of things and wait to see what will happen next. i have tried asking him in some way but chickened out at the end, so i am not too sure where we stand. i told here that i need to feel a bit more secure bout this before i ask for more. a lot of what she said rings true about here view of the situation and still i am afraid to move forwards with it as in stating what this might be turning in to..
i know that this is more than simple FB's. i wouldn't have a key to his place otherwise, and still my past keeps watching over my shoulder and makes me suspect the responses i get from him, in some place i still dread that this is just a comfortable place for him that he enjoys having me around for the fun of it, that this doesn't mean much more then just that for him, i fear the hatchet coming down on me any second, i try to save myself from heart ache and being rejected for the next in line..
from things he said about how he doesn't attach to people that he can go a long way without attaching to the person he is currently with. the lines were drawn from the start and now i am not sure anymore where those lines lay..
i am also afraid to bring it up again as i am afraid it would end the fun we are having, i don't want to be the one to turn the spotlight on the matter we have been avoiding all this time.
i pull on a brave face and delay it one more day, anyways with the sex being this damn good and distracting me i just avoid doing anything more about it. i want to sit back and enjoy the ride instead of rocking a perfectly good boat.. who can blame me..
things will happen for them selves, and i guess we will eventually talk about this. i just hope it wont be in the aftermath of this whole thing.. but somewhere we could still enjoy it.
yes we are cozy and sticky together, yes we spend a lot of time together, and its not all just sex.. really.
time will tell, at least i got some shit off my chest..

p.s. i can say for sure that i am not feeling any butterfly's of the falling kind, it might be that i am to busy holding on to to them so damn tightly they can't flutter, or they are simply not there yet..