Tuesday, August 15, 2006

damn it..

Chef is going through something, and he won't talk about it. i know i need to give him time to sort it out with himself, and that he's the only one who can help himself out of it.
i hope that with this Lebnon situaition clming down (i hope) a bit it will get easier, and soon he'll come back to himself.
in the mean time i am feeling really fraustrated, its been more than a week since we last had sex, he spent a few nights on the couch, falling asleep there. so there wasn't much of the morning activitys i got used to, and so its sexual fraustrtion on my part and feeling a bit left out and neglected. i feel stuck as i am in many ways dependent on him being out of work and not having my own place and not much money so it just hightens the whole issue. and so my deamons, are screaming to be heard and i know it's not really proportional to what's actually happning but i still feel like that. i know that it would be easier for me if he wasnt so far away as he is now, that if i could actually sleep with him in the same bed and feel him next to me i would feel more secure about my place. it's hard for me to be strong for him and just be there when he seems to be offering to save every other maden in distress but me, i have no problems with the madens or sharing him as long as i get some on the way too! it's hard for me to except them when i don't feel my needs met. i know it' a faze, i know that when he'll sort his shit out things will get better but in the mean time i feel like this. i try not to be too noticable in feeling so as to not get dragged into an argument. i try to be there for him and support him as much as i can i just need some tender love and care too..

we are suppose to go to the dugeoun tonight and hopefully we will.. maybe a session w'll do me some good, would release some of my deamons through my pain. even though at times i wish it could be only us there, wish we could keep the intimcy of the rack afterwards just for us, i dont like to share him then, i want to enjoy the conection we have alone, have him all proud of me and happy with me alone with out being distracted by another piece of ass or tits..
i dont ask for it as i don't want to come out as possesive.

i know it will all get its proportions soon, that i just need to get this out as to let my deamons be heard so they'll stop chasing and screaming in my head.

and still there are time when i think : why the fuck do i need this for? why can't i just find myself a nice simple guy to sink my teeth in every night? (M will attest it isn't as easy as it sounds.. )
and answer my self in the same time: been there done that seen the movie bought thr t-shirt.. i.e: ex boyfriend..

i need the thrill i need the chalenge. otherwise it's not enough fun for me and i get boerd..
Asprine told me that a long time ago.. i can't deny myself who i am and unlearn what i have learned.. i need to puke my deamons voices out release them, look up and move farwards happy with who i am and proud of myself for not widrawling again in to my shell..
who ever said its going to be easy..?

Bast be with me today, more then everyday..

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