Saturday, January 20, 2007

new day new fraustrations..

talked with new guy thing for two hr yesterday and except the fear of runing out of things to talk about and him finding out i'm not that exciting as i might have seemed to be and hiding back in his shell, it seems that he is conflicted (his words) on the subject of should we talk about what we are doing or not. which kind of puts a cork in my bottle of never ending angels on what we have as my insecuritys just keep on poping up no matter where i look..
i told him that i wanted to see him again mentioned the weekend and heard him freak out..
i wish i could have some time together not on the phone with out the having to go to work and stuff.. just some unlimited time so i could try and maybe ask some questions i kindda need answered like does he even like me as i really am totally clueless as to where i stand..
i keep on wondering if it was some kind of a one time thing and i am now labeled as an out spoken kind of platonic girl he just listens too and not much more.. i am freaked out out him as i know i'm hooked i like him and afraid of getting my heart tangeled on a fruitless tree..
it seems i do all the talking and when we talk on the phone and as i'm so afraid of freaking him out and making him run away from me too soon i try not to confront him too much its so fraustrating..
i asked him last night if there were any actuall ruels of engagment when it comes to this tea and cake stuff that i should follow as all this unknowen stuff is hindering me and he didnt know what to say we both seem to be hanging on air..
i wish that we could just talk person to person not with this phone thing but just some time for just the two of us to see what is this thing we have, do we actually have something?
i am doing better on this holding back thing i think. only sent him one sms today a really short one didnt freak out too much for still not having a response but i might just be avoiding the inevitable.. i know this things are most of the time this unclear its part of their so called magic.
he said he might be in TA sunday or monday to do some stuff and i just hope to maybe bump into him or have him actually come and see me, i had my fantasies of having a long weekend with him but i am frightened to offer as it seems to scare him, so i just droped the idea and told him to just consider it with out having to actually say if he wanted too or not. thats kindda of hard for me too as i have this need to plan my week ahead of time as to have something to look farwards too, but with him i cant i can only wish that he might think it would be a good idea to see me again too and maybe do something about it..

food break i shell be back..

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