Friday, March 30, 2007

i dont know where to start..

so much has happned since i last been here, i'm not sure where to begin, but i'll give you the punch line first: i am happier than i have been in a long while. thanks to many dear friends of mine and off course thanks to me finding me and likeing me better.

well now that that is out of the way i'll try to compose this in an inteligable manner... last time i was here i was fruastrated with Andy's and his like. since then i have seen Walls (the thing that happnes to you when you find great chemistry with a certine unavilable guy who totally rocks your world or to be more accurate the world between your legs..and thank you dear Alli for wording it in such a prcise way! i love you!). with the Wall's guy i initiated my Second Home and did it in the toilets on our second and last encounter, and we shall keep the sweet memorys and laugh about it next time we meet as we have ever since.
then there was Brown who pointed out something to me in his own special way which is part of the reason we won't share bed again but are on the brink of becoming good enlightend friends..
Brown has pointed me into a diferent direction than what i was used to looking or more where i didn't dare look for a really long time: the person i have discarded at the side of the road a long long time ago, upon discovering sex and mens affactions.. me.
and that is a hard truth to swallow (no pun intended..). with all the issues i have with my non-exsitant father, that in some way or other drove me to seek men's attantion in the only way i knew of, all the heart ach with not understanding them and thinking that by flinging myself or more like it: my body at them, i thought i could find what i have been missing all my life. this unattainable love and affection from my absent father: the first man most little girl sharp their teeth and nails to prepare them on how to deal with the other species or in short men's attantion. yes i was young, and yes i was sexsually aware at a young age and hey it seemed to work, they paid me attantion the only way they knew how, they were surely not aware of the harm they might be causing me or the fact that i allowed them to cause me harm, i didnt know any better either.
i don't regret my encounters as many as there were, i learned alot of things about life and men i won't wish on young girls but hey that was my life and i made it into what it was . i don't blame my mom for her lifes choices, Godess knows she has always done what she thought was best for me and hopefully for her aswell. i know there is nothing i truley regret about my life, it brought me to where i am right now and i am proud of myself (most days) for who i am and what i have acomplished. but i also know that to find that true happiness i seek for oh-so-long i need to go about it in a slightly diferent way because i know better now. i know what i want and i know what i don't want and i know that to find what i want i need to make peace with myself, with the little girl that was left behind and with the one who took on the world by storm and thinks that pulling guys at bars everyother night is the way to find that happiness and also with the one that knows better than that, the one who woke up last friday morning by a poor by-stander who wished to be let out, the same one she knew was a bad idea to take home with her the night before, even before she did it and while doing it and also the next morning when she felt empty and hollow and and hated herself for giving in to her vicess just because it was easier to go with the moves and not think about it or actually hide behind those moves as they hide the awafull truth from you by blinding you with fleshy delights but leave a really bad taste in your mouth afterwards(again no pun intended no matter how fiiting of an end that would have been..).

so that next morning upon waking to let the poor guy go i reached out and asked for help from the one person i could think of who was sensetive to the problem except myself and the one i could trust to help me in that particular moment: Brown. one sms and back to sleep to later be woken up by my "wake-up-call" we met at the beach we talked some and he did his special voodoo on me, i saw myself then for real for the first time in a long while, i reconected with myself, i saw images that made me realise where i last lost my little girl-self and where we could all go if we joined forcess and make changes and amandes with eachother.
afterwards Brown and me went to have a beer on a sunny friday afternoon, a few actually, and it was one of the most fun and beautyfull days i have had in a long time, i earned it.

sunday was hard for me, i begun to understand what needs to be done and how much i have lost touch with myself, how i let my habits run the show in my name and how much work its still going to take to get me where i want to be. but i was productive, and inspired and blessed. i rewarded myself by creating something new for myself: a new crown of ice to adorne my neck and fill me with strong pure energy. i have also started a new venture of breaking my habbits and i am (dear me i never thought i would say it:) abstaining sex for a while (there i said it Godess give me strngth.. and help keep a straight face on my friends while they read this..).
so now i find myself more inspired than ever and i'm not sure its a true side effect or just the bonus cherry on top, but i hope my muse will stay with me and give me better reasons for staying up till the wee hours of the night.
i have had steamy dreams where i tell my self off while having them so i know my conviction is strong (kind of a bummer at times but hey no one ever said it was going to be easy..)
i started painting again, one of the best side effects so far :))
and thanks to Itch Godess bless him, my curtains are finally hanging and so is my rice paper lamp, showering my room in bright white light giving my room an even newer and fresher feeling! kind of like how i feel too.
i offered viewing options to this blog to a few more people and hopefully they would still like me after reading all of this stuff. so do feel free to tease me about it next time you see me i'll understand and enjoy and join it as Godess knows: a sense of humore is the best way to deal with all this akward intimate moments and ones own failings in life, so bring it on!


Assaf said...

Thing are getting better and better, isn't it?
Very good. have you had you're new tattoo?. and to get and paint again, this is always good news, new compositions in life - art - writing, seems excellent turn in you're life...
Any how... i always wish you joy - only enjoy

red-headed-cat said...

thank you dear, nice to hear from you again..
i hope for myself that i'm not jumping ahead of myself again that i can keep myself in moderation and stay stylish while going about my quest for happiness..
have a great happy prosperous pass over!!

Assaf said...

i will of course. the last few day's i was drinking every night, i'll try not to drink to much - and you to. to much decadence is not to good for anyone, not for long period of time...
bad for the bank account - but good for sex, bad - sad melancholy the day after, not to speak on the headache...
but really - joy only joy