i have been doing alot of thinking and talking with mom about the contents of my last post, i still stand by it and am happy and kinda proud of my writing, besides the issues brought up in it i am proud of the way i deliverd it. i believe i am getting better at this. and still some things don't ring clear enough for me i think that some of them are still cloudy, maybe that is because i still can't see the whole picture, maybe the dust has not setteld as of yet, i am unsure of the cause and it bothers me. not the "not knowing" as such as i know that i will never really know for sure, that is part of the learning experience, its the honing of better writing, of finding the right words and phrases thats still elude me. i know i am geting better at this i know that because i read alot of books in English enriches my use of words and discriptions of my mantel states to be better understood by me and by those who read me, and still i find myself troubled by my lack of a richer vocabulaery.
the day will come when i will find my freedome in English. i try from time to time to express myself in Hebrew but there too i seem to lack all the words i need to express myself fully as i still think in English most of the time, all due to the time spent away from Israel. i try to read more Hebrew to get better and more fluent in that old languagh(sory for the type o' i do hate that too..).
i have come to realise after talking with mom about all i wrote in that last post that no matter how late and/or how obvious it might seem to those around me, untill i won't feel whole within there is no chance that anybody will be able to fill the void within me. no matter how hard i try to find my "other-half" he/she will allways be lacking as i need to find myself whole and therefor happy before i could be happy with what they have to offer me and therfor be happy together, two whole people sharing an experience together. that is my new goal in life, finding within myself my missing picecs of the puzzel that will make me whole within myself and offer a better healthier version to the outside world and aid me on my quest for happiness, i hope to find my freedome in setting my dreams in motion, my freedome and my own style that could carry my art to higher levels and hopefully towards some sort of sucsses and therefor having the abilty to live off my art and not compormise at all sort of sales jobs helping and serving people who have lesser ideas on personal style (no matter if that is the only way ends meet and i am able to pay the rent due to those mundane jobs i dont have to really like them or the people i help). as even though that is what i do, i try whenever i can to inspire them to make more enlightend choices and sometimes i can recomande something i truely do like and not just what happens to be trendy or hip or whatever at that point in time.
i allways have the same argument with my boss that there is no way to sucseed without becoming comersale. he claims there is no other way to do it. i say that he sold his soul too long ago to remember what its like to have one. he says i am naive, we are both right in our own ways. i dont wish to be obceanly rich, i want to make my art work for me and be alowed the freedome to make what i want and what i like to a smal but stylish crowd who doesn't want to be seen wearing what everybody else does. i want to have the freedome even if tight to make my dream come true and have a small studio of my own where people who know of it gather and share their life in some way or another. i don't want to be known all over the world. i want to stay underground and be me. i know that without the mainstream i won't be as unique as i know i am, i know that without H.Stren and the like i won't have my own place in this world but i have dreams of my own select crowd who can appreciate what i have to offer in small and very stylish amounts to set them apart from the rest of the people in the street. i want to carve myself a little piece of heaven here in this world and share it with those on the same quest as i am on who are outside the box and feel comfortable there like me.
every now and then i bump into my future costumers, sometimes we are both aware of it sometimes its just me or just them and i hope that we shall bump into each other again in the future too.