Sunday, April 29, 2007

i did something silly friday, i asked TT to come with me to a shabat dinner at Itch&Rose..
it only occurred to me yesterday what an idiotic idea that was, for the record i did ask him first and he thought it would be amusing, which it was, and still it's such a couple thing to do, maybe its this false sense of security i have or just that everything just seems so easy bout this "not yet definable" thing we have here. so we went and it was fun and yet only yesterday it dawned on me..
it does seem to resemble a relationship and in a way it is in some strange way, still at the end of the day i am as yet more comfortable with the idea that this is a fucking buddy kind of deal, no matter what it might look like to others. we talked bout it a bit the other day online, and I'm still safe guarding myself as much as i can as not to fall into ideas of anything else that might be or might not be happening between us.
i think this might be an evolution of what used to be the old fucking buddy deal. its new and different to what I'm used to have with fucking buddy's(FB's) but i guess we have a good time together to make this thing slightly more cozy then what we are normally used to in this type of situations..
besides that we still seem to have a ball in bed with each other and there is some sense of intimacy between us that is fueling this whatever thing it is we are having together.
we had a talk the other night over the idea of adding another "component" to bed, i had to recoil in fear due to my last episodes with the damn cook, cant handle that as of yet, too painful for now for me to consider, i know that is something he would enjoy and so would i if i wasn't so itchy with the idea, and as i promised myself after the cook never again to compromise my self, especially not for others sake, i gave him a rain check and promised him and myself to consider it again at a later time. i can totally see how much fun it can be as i remember some of those times as a lot of fun, its just all the abuse that was sent my way through those times with the damn cook that i rather pass up the fun for now till i feel like its me who wants this and not just something i do to please my eye candy of the month..
i must say i was in some way dreading that conversation.. i saw it coming a mile away and the only thing that surprised me was that it took that long to come up.
i understand him bringing it up, i would too if i was him, knowing him to be who he is and what we have being a FB's kind of thing..
i have still some insecurity's about what i can offer him in terms of sex, thoughts of not being able to keep him satisfied or challenged enough but i guess that type of insecurity is just part of having whatever it is we are having, and so far i have manged to do some damage control.
we have found other things to spice up the sex and they are a lot of fun(!) i just try to stay on top of things and not over stay my welcome.
time will tell taken in one baby step at a time.
I'll try to keep up dating as i go along.

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