Wednesday, May 02, 2007

well well.. the moment has finally come: i am starting to freak out..
had a girl talk with Gizmo, which i did ask for, it's just that her view on the matter of TT is different to mine and I'm not sure if its not just cause i might not have given her the real picture of things or just as she said i choose the land of denial population: ME, and all this freaking out is unfounded..
i am terrified of thinking there is something more to this than just FB's .
in some dark place i wish for something more out of this as it does seem to lead to something more or just is something more, and in the same time i dread thinking that in case i am totally wrong about it and I'll come out all stupid. she understands perfectly where this fear is coming from and still she thinks it's all in my head. i told her that i know i am choosing the land of denial for now as i really don't want to fuck this up as its fun just the way it is now and i just go with the flow of things and wait to see what will happen next. i have tried asking him in some way but chickened out at the end, so i am not too sure where we stand. i told here that i need to feel a bit more secure bout this before i ask for more. a lot of what she said rings true about here view of the situation and still i am afraid to move forwards with it as in stating what this might be turning in to..
i know that this is more than simple FB's. i wouldn't have a key to his place otherwise, and still my past keeps watching over my shoulder and makes me suspect the responses i get from him, in some place i still dread that this is just a comfortable place for him that he enjoys having me around for the fun of it, that this doesn't mean much more then just that for him, i fear the hatchet coming down on me any second, i try to save myself from heart ache and being rejected for the next in line..
from things he said about how he doesn't attach to people that he can go a long way without attaching to the person he is currently with. the lines were drawn from the start and now i am not sure anymore where those lines lay..
i am also afraid to bring it up again as i am afraid it would end the fun we are having, i don't want to be the one to turn the spotlight on the matter we have been avoiding all this time.
i pull on a brave face and delay it one more day, anyways with the sex being this damn good and distracting me i just avoid doing anything more about it. i want to sit back and enjoy the ride instead of rocking a perfectly good boat.. who can blame me..
things will happen for them selves, and i guess we will eventually talk about this. i just hope it wont be in the aftermath of this whole thing.. but somewhere we could still enjoy it.
yes we are cozy and sticky together, yes we spend a lot of time together, and its not all just sex.. really.
time will tell, at least i got some shit off my chest..

p.s. i can say for sure that i am not feeling any butterfly's of the falling kind, it might be that i am to busy holding on to to them so damn tightly they can't flutter, or they are simply not there yet..

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