Tuesday, October 17, 2006

i hate money and me not being able to hold on to the fucker..

yeah another prety day day in my life.. good news : it rained today.
and thats about all the good news i have..
i dont know how to hold on to money never could.. now the fucker is here to haunt my every move. so yeah shit is still hitting the fan and everyone gets splatterd.. aint life grand.. box of choclates and i just pick the shitty ones up..
dont know what to do anymore. maybe standing on the corner at some dark alley will get me somewhere..
He asked me today what i would have done if he wasnt here to help me out would i still be up to my ears in shit ..
i would be up to my ears in shit and it would have been my shit alright.. bad shit but my shit. probably found some dead end job to break my back on in my freakingly shitty place with my spoiled ass kitty eating leftovers i brought from the garb cans outside with no hope or love but making it happen somehow as there was no other way no dilusions of grandure of fantasy jobs and shops that were never open and that kind of bolocks..
so yeah you could say what is stoping me now? from doing shity jobs and why am i throwing all my shit on him?
probably cause i got a fals sense of safety when he upped my credit with the bank and asked for a credit card only he uses and pays for mostly lets not get too petty he does pay most of it but still i knew how to handle my shity red account with its off balance and overdraft and now with the higher credit line the hole just gets bigger and fucking bigger...
so yeah my life still suck and i try looking for that tiny lil light at the end of my tunneled vision and hope for some grace to land on me.
i am probably looking in the wrong fucking direction just as it lands in my puddle of mud splattreing me with more of my own fucking bile...
tomorow another day and three difrent places to go to looking for work maybe someone will throw me a bone or a stake or something.
guess whats the next chain in the food chain...: self loathing.. obvious right?
arent you proud to be my friend...
i want the damn job and then out..
i'll handel my own shit lamely but it would be well earened self made shit...

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