Saturday, October 28, 2006

wrote a good post yesterday telling all bout how wrathfull i was with him, and due to nasty network problems it went into the dark void of cyberspace.. anyways..
today i am expiriencing the next stage of griving over the end of my realationship with him which is depression and hurt due to noticing that unlike me who's grieving he's out there moving on with his life and dating..
we were somewhat civil to eachother today even with my eyes filling with tears constantly, and with realising that even though i know i am making the right choice by leaving the actual act wasn't mine and so now that i realize it's finality i start my grieving and as i thought i left some kind of mark on his life with the hardship we have had the last two months i thought or wished or expected that he wouldn't be so "eager" to move on and just discard me so quickly. and even with knowing all his faults and knowing i am doing the right thing this ego thing of how easily he has moved on hurts like hell..
him telling me that i made my choices and that he's being all considerate with not bringing his date home as not to hurt me..

again i couldnt tell him how i felt when we tryed talking today after yesterday when i went in to a blazing rage over everything that has happened, so after he crashed on the couch i wrote him a letter that being the only way i have to be heard all the way without argument or distraption, and left it for him on the coffee table to see as soon as he opens his eyes, which didnt happen and after he put it aside before bringing dinner to the table i had to say something to get his attention to it so he would at least know why i'm all pufy eyed and silent, he says " i'll read it when i get back.." and goes off taking food with him somewhere else..
mr. sensetivety strikes back...
abd that like the worst bit i know he's a jerk and i know i'm doing right with me by leaving but my ego is broken right now
feel like a damn 16yr girl all over again with the high school hunk doesnt know i exsist..
part of my lesson i guess as even though in a way i was the one who broke it up i feel like the one left behind, with all my real realtionships till now i was the one who made the cut after realising i wasnt "inlove" or just plain not loving them anymore. feel like i have been dumped.. i can ratanolize everything and i am aware of the stages and that i'm heading for something good and still it doesnt mend a broken ego.. i still care for the jerk and it just eats me up that he's elsewhere doing his thing with others only days after we broke up.
him thinking we could still be friends and that things are almost normal between us excluding the romantic side. it's like he was never there in the first place like he never felt anything, and i'm here feeling like the fool. i know this is only temporary i know i'll get better that its only a matter of time. but i fucking miss him right now.
he just walked in and i feel like an idiot again.

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