Saturday, February 11, 2006

dreading the week to come..

been to a movie with Mother, we seem to be making it a habbit as there isnt much to do here over the weekend. the last two times i came back in a thoughtfull mood trying to understand what is this thing that i feel i'm missing in my life (except the obviuos..) and why does this search for this missing thing keeps on throwing me into the arms of innocent bystanders hoping they would be the ones to fill the gap, at least for a bit..

i try to think if it was so difrent while living in amsterdam or is it just my nostalgia that paints it all pink? as i do remeber talking my head off to friends, bitching bout my latest woe with the men in my life, even though i know they come off a difrent plant and i'll never truely understand them, i keep making the stupid assumption that this time i finaly figured what they are after, and i can shift change to fit so i can get what i wanted out of it.
the last time i figured that me, as a newly singel gal about town, all i want is just to get some pressure out, i'll offer the first person i find intresting this offer he cant refuse: uncomplicated sex just for the fun of it! no bitchy phone calls no expectations, on a regular basis i.e: basic comunication skills is a must! (which is where everything went to shit: no com skills what so ever!!)
i figured a man about town whos busy with his work and his night life could deal with such an offer.. enjoy it even..
after all isnt it what most men look for at being singel? offcourse as we all know that deal crashed big times, and one of the things that bug me the most is that i thought i nailed it and then you creatures from out of space change your startagy on me and i'm stuck there all confused and hurt..
so i dont know what to do next bout this maybe i'll try to give it another chance with someone new and hopefully he would be a bit more comuicative than the last and then i'll know better why things happen when they do..

now here is a query of mine: why do men find it so hard to say that they are no longer intrested for whatever lame or true reason they have? i know that i'm not the only woman around who would truely appriciate and honor a simple "look babe its not you its me" or "i had enough of you" or any of the sort, than this whole: " i'll show her what a mature man i truely am by not taking here calls and pulling disapearing acts and beein all true ass, that way i still have a bigger dick then most of my fellow men..."
i mean what the fuck?
if you shared close intimcy with a woman and opened up to her on a very primel level why is it so hard to aknoledge her next time you see her? you think she would be laughing bout the funny noisess you make when your about o come? she would when she feels you're beeing an ass to her, when you act all manly and proud your just showing what a insecure idiot you realy are..

ok i'm doing better this week isnt looking as awafull as it did yesterday..
wish me luck on my home hunting,
a happier cat.

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