Thursday, February 16, 2006

new ideas new hopes!

well well, been doing some hard thinking bout my life and where its heading and i'm going to be making some changes, that will most certinly keep me too busy to worry bout other irelavent matters such as MEN, for instance... :)

going back to full time school(i.e: 4 mornings a week), going to quit my current dead end job and swap it for a better paying dead end job, going to find a place to stay in TLV hopefully real soon, and not too expensive, and then from next week on be truely busy! too busy to think, too busy to over think and in 4 and a half months time, be out of school, and maybe with some saved money to start my new project which is the ever talked about " my whole back tattoo!!"
cant wait to get it started, (donations will be excepted with a smile) and put my foot down on who i realy am and sprout two eternal feathers in my ever bleeding wings!
those two feathers no one and no thing can ever cut away!
next step after that one would be to start saving money again to get the hell out of this tiny swamp of "normality" and find my own free way in this wide world. first destantion: Amsterdam, how i miss that place, the first time in my life i earned my circle by my own two very presistant hands, from being all alone to having a spportive circle to help me through my down falls and trimph with me at my joys and victorys over homesickness and and lonelines in a forign country, my hell raising uproars at at misbehaving binges and blow (not that kind!!) partys...

thats why this place is so hard for me at times, i need to learn a new toung to get along with the "natives "! to find my own crowd here among all the main stream and the ordered normality is saffocating . to feel like a thorn in their side for wanting something diferent then everyone else, to talk diferent and be diferent then what everyone around you is used to see, to be something else than what they expect from someone "your age" is terefying.
to feel everyday that the REALITY of this place chops down your wings everytime you open your eyes in the morning when you open a news paper, every time you watch tv, when you walk in the street, after already tasting freedome is madning!!

so most of the time you find yourself alone with your true friends living far away from you. when you do meet with them you have nowhere to go out to cause you dont know where to go. when you need advice and a guiding loving hand, a sholder to cry and bitch too, from someone who truely understands you is heaven and is short lived as you both need to go back to your home and to your dead end job to keep on fighting for that place in heavn you promised yourselvs so long ago.

you crave ppl with some open minded intelegance, book reading folk with the vivid imagantion of the dreamer who havent jaded yet. who still see hope and self fullfillment.
i admire those ppl who go with their belife in this Real place with out shame and with disregard to onlookers and narrow minded jealous men and women around them who wear their hearts on their sleeves with pride and honesty, who go about their daily lives as they belive they are!
i admire their courage as i sometimes feel lacking in that field, but i know i am on my way there and no one and no thing will stand in my way to living up to my aspirations and dreams!

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