had rather a misrable day yesterday, after getting home early and only sleeping a few hours, long tiering day at work..had a low low time talking to Iron Man, had a leaking face and real down time that crept up on me, got a mail from Talanted Boy and it kinda downed on me: i have more friends who i'm in touch on a sort of regular basis in amsterdam right now then what i have in this shit hole..
now add that to the really small paycheck from febuary and my lack of succsess in finding a place, and you got one cruel circle of fun all round.. i think this whole Toy Boy thing was only a trigger for other things which is why i'm not sure how to treat it.. i dont have that much of a problem doing younger men it was just so sureal to happen the way it did, i mean after i sat with him and we started talking that we got to his age and i banged my head on the bar five times looked up and said to Bastt : you got to be fucking kidding me.. but no, she wasnt joking so i played along, i just hope next time she throws me a bone it would be an older bone.. he has my number and if he is smart he will call me and we could do it better this time.. i think i'm too old for this single matress empty room or the great out doors..
i need to make some changes i just dont know where to start, i dont want to change jobs till i know where i live and as i cant seem to find a place yet its all kind of on air and on hold but time is moving on and i want to be at the new job for pass over, and make more money, if i ever want to get my tattoo done i need a better paycheck..
everyone around me seem to be moving on and i feel like i'm stuck in a hole with lots of will but no means to get moving, i hate feeling stuck..
walking with Toy Boy to his friends place reminded me of what its like to actually have a life..
it was fun!
Iron Man said something true yestrday: you are a person who thrive on thrills to live happily and when you dont get them you wilt.. he had a point there.. hehe.. he also had a good point saying thank Bastt you dont do cocain or heroin as you would be a true addict.. i know what he means.. i asked him if it was just my memorey fooling me into believing things were easier in amsterdam or was it really like that.. he said the whole in your face attitude works wonders there but probably doesnt suit this place, and he has never been to israel.. i dont do it for attantion.. this is just who i am and it gets kinda lonely being the only colorfull person among all this gray.. i just wish to stick my foot in the door and create my new circle of friends anew... just to have a place of my own and some change...
yeah i think a change would be real good for me now...
may Bastt bless the changes i wish for..