got an email from my EX today, made me cry. it was not that i regret ending the realtionship, as much as his listing all our privet moments that he misses, in a way i still beat myself up for all the mistakes we made on the way and how long i knew it was heading for a fall before i could voice it myself. he became a really good friend and it hurt more to break it up cause i knew id break his heart which i did but it still hurts as he does deserve better even though he will never agree with me about it.
i need to sleep over this some more its all too fresh.
to be continued.
*****
*the next evening...*

we apperntly started a new line of comunication, we mail each other long mails, i dont know where its heading but i'm glad he is making some progress if anything at least he learned a few things about himself no matter how painfull they are.
one day i'll learn not to break sweet mens hearts fooling them into bellieving that i am as inlove with them as they are with me, the one before this one informed me the other day that he's expecting his first born in 4 months ... i am happy for him just wish he could reach this happinness with out me trampling his heart like i did, even though i know that its posiable that if i hadn't brought him back form amsterdam he would not have met his wife and mother of his first child. i dont think i'll get lucky this time not with all the time me and EX spent together before i realised i was there for the wrong reasons and that i apperntly was never inlove with him in the first place, but was just having so much fun with him i thought i'll i dont know what i thought... but we had some really good times together i just i could avoid breaking his heart. the only other person who knew all this till now was my Mother and she guessed most of it, this is the first time i admit to all of my crimes against my dearst friend.